Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Barrybran]

Well, I'm almost at the end of DR. It's taken longer than I planned but I feel it's helped me reflect on who I am and who I want to be more than anything I could do with or for my wife. I feel more aware of what's going on around me but ultimately I feel happier within myself knowing where I've been, where I've wound up and where I want to go. I did skip the exercises so it's all pretty vague at the moment but DR has helped shape what I want moving forward by using my past as a guide. I've thought more about the beginning of my relationship with my wife in the past few days than I have the past 2.5 years.

In particular, I've thought about the first time I met my wife. I met her online in January 2010 playing a game. We chatted and developed a friendship. She was seven months pregnant with our middle child and I was saving money to travel the US and Europe. We spoke everyday about all sorts of things. She decided to visit her mum in my home state in June that year and I asked to meet up if our schedules aligned. At the time, I was working in the north of Western Australia for several weeks at a time and I was home for only one week per month.

As it turned out, we were able to meet. I met her at her mum's place and she spent an hour getting her then 3yo (our 6yo son) and then 3-month old organised so she could go out with me. I spoke with her mum as I waited and watched and admired as she did her thing. We went out, wandered around a nearby harbour complex while chatting and wound up playing mini golf. I felt chemistry with this girl and as we started the round I decided I had to explore it despite our differences. In the middle of the round I pulled her back from her shot and kissed her. It was very awkward but enjoyable. I kissed her again after the round and we continued chatting freely the rest of the time we were together.

Growing up and even through my adult life I've never been a man of action. I've always been happy to go with the flow and I had a terrible habit of procrastinating (sound familiar?). I always had trouble taking that first step but once I did I usually succeeded. Despite this girl being from the other side of the country with two kids and my ambitions to travel, I felt the chemistry and I HAD to know if there was something there. Normally I would have chickened out but this day I didn't and despite the awkwardness, it began the story that is now my wife and I.

I was positive and happy around my wife for the first few months. We adored each other. I don't know for sure what happened to us the first time but I suspect my old self had crept back and my wife picked up on it before I did. By March 2011, despite her being pregnant with my child and me having quit my job and moving across the country, we had broken up because I was needy, lazy and entirely dependent on her.

This cycle repeated itself though taking longer to play out the second time round. I thought back to the day my wife and I met in person as I was a completely different person to who I am now. I showed my future wife an attractive, interesting, independent man and I received the greatest gift I've ever had in my wife and kids. When that changed, her feelings about me changed. I have a lot more reflection to do on the early parts of our relationship but I must admit, I feel I was a catch at that time. That's the person I need to reinvent. My wife took me back because I did become that interesting, independent person again and sure enough, I reverted to my old ways and mentally, off she went.

My wife has been a bit sketchy with me this week. She's fluctuated between cold and distant with one word answers to suggesting having pictures taken of the kids and I. She called me at work today to ask about my schedule and talk about a pay raise she's getting and a few hours later she's being sarcastic (not in a good way) and closing the door on me without so much as a "good night". After all I've put her through I don't blame her. She had shown me love the whole time and I didn't appreciate it because I was ignorant as well as not understanding her love languages.

I've been happier this week, even with the 1.5 "lost" days where I got little done and the kids got to me. I had a moment yesterday where I was listening to music while mowing the lawn and I was lost in my own world for a while. It's something I've missed and it's a great destresser. It also allowed me to think clearly about things like the firsr time I met my wife in person. It's something I need to bring back to my life.

I still have my low moments such as last weekend but I recover from them faster and more productively and overall I feel more happier within myself. I truly feel I can win my wife back eventually even though I am more comfortable in my own bed and more comfortable in my own space right now. I feel I have some direction with this listening stuff rather than plodding along wondering what I'm really focusing on. I am still comfortable getting a life within the confines of my home and while I don't have money for what I really want to do right now, I have kept on track with family money items and I have my 'to do' list firmly planted in my head.

Sorry for the length of this post. I got carried away. I do have more epiphanies to share, particularly where family is involved, but I'll leave it there for now