melissa

[mustardseed]

I agree that his response about the FT was manipulative and he was trying to corner you. That makes me angry so I completely understand your anger. However, just because he says "if you don't do as I say then you must have been lying when you said you changed" comments you don't have to take the bait. You know the truth. You know that you have changed--not for his sake but for yours--so who cares what he thinks. That shows his weak character that he has to stoop to those strawman tactics to make his point, makes me think he is full of BS and probably only feels strongly about this situation because you do.

You know the truth. You have real convictions about why you don't think this is a good idea and you don't have to stoop to those tactics to make your point. You are the custodial parent and have the authority to make the final decision.

However, if he had left out that part and simply said, "I think it is important for her to go on this trip because if we let her miss every opportunity that might be uncomfortable we might be discouraging her from ever taking any chances" (which seems to be the gist of his point). Would you be more apt to consider his pov? What, if anything, would make you feel ok about her going? If you leave at the game playing move he pulled at the end, would you have been willing to consider his side at all and come up with a compromise? If so then you need to think along those lines.

Would you feel better about him driving her up there? (Taking your anger at him out of the equation). If so then I say tell him that condition. And be prepared for if he surprises you and actually take you up on that. Don't offer that as a way to feed his ego but as a compromise you would have been willing to consider if he didn't turn it into a power struggle. If there is no compromise you would feel comfortable with, then maybe it shouldn't have been up for discussion at all. You made a decision and that is the end of it. But I don't really know how that works in these situations.

I have seen, in my experience, many father's suddenly pretend to have strong convictions about things they never cared about just for the sake of controlling the ex. If he had stated his point and left it at that I might think he actually felt that way, but the way he wrapped it in that condescending passive-aggressive packaging makes me think it is more about the power struggle for him. Don't play that game. Don't engage. That is his demon to deal with, not yours.