Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

Just a quick update. Things have been bumpy but we seem to be dealing with them better. We had a recent blowout that resulted in him finally getting professional help to deal with whatever it is he is going through. I continue to work on me.

I have discovered that a lot of the financial frustration I have felt with him is not all his fault. I let my anxiety and irrational feelings about money dictate the conversation and I am always second guessing everything. I make myself crazy and must make him crazy as well. I am working on this, and it seems like things have been turning around since I started to let go of the need to control things by giving up control and then getting mad about it, or by trying to force things to go my way. We recently had a conversation about money where I approached him with confidence and laid things out in a non-emotional matter of fact way and it was the first time I think we left a financial conversation both feeling satisfied.

Things are still far from perfect and I don't know where we will end up once we each deal with our own separate issues, but I can finally say that I am at a place where I know I will be fine no matter what ends up happening.

I am sad that our lives still seem to be more separate than I would like, but right now I think that is the way it has to be. I am learning how to discuss things with him with confidence rather than being timid and wishy-washy. I am learning how to set boundaries although I am still fuzzy on what they are--especially when it comes to the kids. But I noticed he has been different--in a good way. He doesn't seem so defeated anymore. He is still unhappy about things going on in his life (outside of me and the kids) but it doesn't seem to be weighing on him as heavily anymore--and when it is about me he tells me rather than brooding.

So while things aren't passionate and romantic and exciting like they used to be, I feel like we are really becoming stronger individuals and hopefully that will translate to a richer more fulfilling marriage.