Today went well. D7 and I went to church this morning. The plan was for H to pick her up after that. However, my sister called and said that my niece really wanted D7 to go with her for a playdate. I checked with H since he was supposed to be spending the day with D7 and he said that she would have fun, so of course she should go with my sister. H, D7 and I were supposed to have dinner after the playdate. The girls talked my sister into more time (H agreed), so D7 had dinner at my sister's house.
H still came to our house and made dinner for us (he's the cook in our family). I kept a good PMA the whole time. We talked about everyday things--D7, the dog, music and work. He did make one flirty comment with some ML innuendo that almost transitioned into R talk, but we changed the subject and continued the conversation without becoming immersed in it.
I asked him to fix one household thing for me. He did so and I thanked him. I also complimented him on dinner and thanked him for making it. Both of those things are 180's for me. I think I took those things for granted too much of the time.
He left a few minutes ago to pick up D7 at my sister's. He gave me a hug goodbye. I stayed positive and smiling and did not act sad at all. Overall, I think it was a good interaction
Lost - Thanks for your response. The truth is that I fluctuate between a good attitude and a not-so-good attitude pretty frequently. It's definitely one of the things I'm working on.
D7 is with H tonight, so I have lots of time to think. One of the things H said at BD is that he thinks getting D will help him be a better father. Honestly, I found this to be one of the most hurtful things he said at the time. I couldn't (still can't, really) understand how being with me made him lacking as a father. Having observed his interactions with D7 since BD, I notice that H is more patient with her and spends more quality time with her than he did previously. I'm truly glad for D7 because I want them to have a great relationship. But, I'm also sad because I see the potential for us to all have this as a family. I just wish H could see it, too.
I'm thinking through one of H's complaints about our marriage and could use some input. He says I overthink/overanalyze everything. That's certainly been true since BD. I have constantly been trying to read the underlying message in what he's saying. The more I read here, the more I'm resisting the temptation as it is mindreading. H's complaint is specifically that he can't talk to me because I overthink everything. He has even said that he understands it now, because of what we're going through, but that it existed before. I do have a very analytical mind. I think through my thoughts, words, and actions and will often replay them repeatedly in my head. I also frequently do the same things with others' words and actions. I think I understand his complaint. Sometimes I attach meaning to his words that may have little or nothing to do with his actual meaning (or so he says). I'm looking for a way to do a 180 on this. Is this something that I just get better at avoiding through practice? Has anyone read a book that addresses something similar?
Does anyone know of any success stories where couples have made it through this twice and reconciled?
It's been 7 years since our first S and this one. My H has said that he feels like D is inevitable because we're in the same place again. He does concur that we didn't actually work on any of the issues the first time around. The first time, he wouldn't even tell me what any of the issues were. He said it was all him and he just didn't think marriage was right for him. I really thought he was just having a hard time adjusting to having a baby, so I didn't take a deep enough look at myself. When I asked him why he didn't say anything about my issues when we went through this before, he said that he was just too afraid of hurting me.
All that rambling is really just to say that I see this time and last time as different because I'm working on myself instead of just assuming that it is all H's issue. Still, I'm looking for some hope that couples can make it through a second time.
W has told me I have this same problem. I am an engineer so I think a lot of that is built into me.
I'm not sure I have any good advice, other than "resisting the temptation" as you stated above. I've been working on that as well.... There have been several times since I've started working on 180s that she has said or done something that seems asinine to me but I've just bit my tongue and let it go. For instance:
W has smoke off and on since HS. She used Chantix to stop a few years ago and since then has only smoked socially (when having a drink or around others that smoke). Well she has been sick with a nasty cold and/or sinus infection for the last week or so. Last weekend we went (separately) to a little get-together at a friends house. The weather had been pleasant for several days but a strong cold front came through that day and it was very cold and windy that evening. W's sister, who smokes as a habit, was also there and they went outside to smoke several times throughout the evening. Seems like the smoking and the running in and out of the cold night air to do so would be some of the last things you would do if you were sick and hacking and coughing, and I sure wanted to tell her that. But I just gritted my teeth and didn't say anything to her about it. If I would have, I'm sure she would say that I was over-analyzing the sitch and trying to control her.
Me:45 W:45 D17, S21 (at college) M:23 T:27 BD: 11/17/13 Started Counseling: 12/18/13 W Moved Out: 02/01/14
My H confuses me so much. He thinks he most likely wants a divorce, but then when I see him he is affectionate. I'm home with D7 this week because of spring break. He also happens to be off today. He stopped by the house to get something earlier. When he left I was in the office using the computer, so he came in and leaned down to give me a hug and kiss. It makes it hard for me not to have any expectations. I'll think that I don't. But, the next time I see him and he acts stand-offish, I'll be disappointed.
Don't get me wrong... I'm glad my H doesn't act like he hates me. I'm glad that he's still affectionate. I just find it hard not to read to much into it.
I'm having a hard time walking the line between acting like I normally would with my H and acting cold or aloof. I've the friendly neighbor approach referred to on the forum a few times, but I don't think I've been able to master it. Of course, maybe that's just because I'm not used to treating my H like he isn't my H anymore. This is particularly difficult when he is acting like the H I've known for most of the last 14 years. Is this something I'll just get better at with time?
I've also been thinking about one of the things my H has said multiple times. He doesn't see D as final. He thinks that it's likely that we'll end up together again. BUT, he thinks we first have to start over as just friends and really work on building our friendship and then see what happens. It's hard for me to reconcile that with the fact the he repeatedly tells me that I'm his best friend, but I get the impression that the WAS isn't usually a rational being. He has said that he doesn't see our problems as solvable without D. When I asked why we would get D and put our D7 through that if he thought there was a chance of reconciliation, he said we didn't actually need to tell her that we were D. Huh??
Why are you two having so many R talks? I would avoid those as much as possible now, especially while he seems to be especially confused. Don't let him strengthen his desire to leave by letting him keep talking about it and convincing himself.
Unbidden - Thank you for your response. To clarify, the R conversations that my recent post referred to were not new conversations. It's really more me rehashing things in my own head. Since our conversation last week, which is what led me to start posting on this forum, I have not initiated any R conversations and he has not either. I'm really working hard to give him the space he wants, even though it s*cks.
Tonight D7 is staying with her cousin for a sleepover. She wanted to bring her sleeping bag, but she left it at H's apartment when he picked her up from a prior sleepover. She mentioned it to him last night and he said he would drop it by my sister's today. I sent him a text to remind him after I dropped her off. He called me a couple of hours later to let me know that he dropped off the sleeping bag. I thanked him. He then told me that he was going to have dinner with a friend and then going out for drinks. I just said, "Have fun. Talk to you soon." It feels awkward to me, but it keeps our interactions pleasant and (hopefully) keeps the pressure off of him.
I'm glad you got a nice dinner and fixed item out of it as well!