I'm in, wife's out

[25yearsmlc]

I am doing well. 25 called me out on points that I really need to think about. I've detatched from W physically, but not mentally.


GAL helps with Detachment, which helps with PMA, and laying the foundation for a relaxed time around you, which one builds from...put a STOP SIGN image in your head when you begin to spin and swirl in the mind reading. seriously. You have a wife who TELLS YOU what she feels when she wants to. No mystery. NO NEED to probe or guess.

Settle down, learn to STFU while she does her own work. You have only to gain by this...


Things are improving but I need to be careful not to slip back into old patterns.

Reverting back to your old ways is HER biggest fear. Don't ever forget that she WILL walk, if you do that. Keep it together. Get the TOOLS so you know you won't revert and let those changes radiate from within, so she can believe in them.

Especially if W is giving me indications that she is considering working toward a reconcilation. Because if we BOTH aren't ready, then it could be disasterous.


"If w is giving indications that she is considering working towards a recon..." Um, 'IF'? Well, what other signs are you waiting for?

She TOLD YOU she's Not sure she wants a divorce. She asks you how you are doing in counseling and anger management (b/c she wants to feel reassured that you are finally becoming the man she's been waiting for and deserved).

You are better off than 90% of the LBH's here, fyi

I've come to find that noticing "change" is an elusive thing. Because W is very hot & cold (same as yours). Well, my wife is warm and cold.

She's NOT sure of your changes yet! How can she be? The more she senses your monitoring, (mind reading mostly) the more pressure she'll feel. Don't do that.

Please consider going to Retrovaille and getting some tools as soon as she's willing. She does NOT have to be willing to reconcile to go to the workshop, she has to be "open to working on the M' to go. And it will not harm your m, like some MC's can. It can only help.

I personally witnessed things nearly miraculous happen. Of the 25 couples at our Retrovaille, 8 were in divorce proceedings and many others felt headed that way. 4 years later, 20 are still married. Not too shabby. We got A LOT out of it.


My wife is loosening up in terms of simple communication. That was a huge hurdle early on. Now things are most definitely more relaxed. I think we're both doing better at giving each other the benefit of a doubt.

Keep at your own work in your sandbox, stop wording about what SHE is thinking. Just be the best YOU that you can be. Focus on yourself, not her or what you perceived her reactions to be...just YOU in that mirror, okay?

Every single couple that reconciled here, that I know of, had an LBSer who worked on THEMSELVES, and their changes triggered other changes, and helped the m's evolve back into a real working partnership...


That has probably been the one and only "real" change I've seen from her. But it's most definitely important. If we can't lighten up in terms of communicating with each other, things were never going to get better.

A breakthrough for me and my W will most definitely be WAYYY down the road. If ever. Even if we were to move back in together, communication is good, no talk of D, I would not consider that a breakthrough. My W's big hangup is her safety. And for good reason which has been documented in this thread. And since she doesn't have that, the idea of physical contact with me is stomach churning to her.

Has she told you this^^^? OR, are you again mind reading?

Otherwise, I agree as stated above, she fears for her safety. For good reason. That's YOUR problem and responsibility...enough said.


Until THAT returns, a breakthrough probably won't happen. That is several steps down the road though.

So check into Retrovaille, and stay in your sandbox for your work. Keep at it. You may well turn this around.