I'm in, wife's out

[trc2009]

Day 25.

Had a wonderful night w/ the kiddos. W was a little quiet last night and this morning but I'll chalk that up to lack of sleep on her part. Either way, we haven't touched R or M at all since Sunday and conversation has been pretty effortless for the most part.

I'm still kind of taken back that she asked me about work yesterday. A month ago I'd want to discuss something about work and she'd say "well that's a very good opportunity for YOU" and leave it at that. And it was an important question because it involves my income (which is the only thing supporting our family at the moment). I always involved her in my career decisions and she's been an excellent counsellor during our entire marriage. And it seemed like she just stopped caring about it and that it didn't involve her anymore. So when she started asking questions about it yesterday out of the blue I was kind of shocked. But I brought her up to speed and was very glad she asked because I do value her opinion above all others in this regard.

I have my IC session tomorrow. I won't see W for a couple days after so I'll kind of "brief" her on how it went and leave it at that. It's important that I keep her in the loop even though I'm going for myself. She did the same for me during her IC sessions and over time she's shared more and more with me (some good, some bad in regards to our M).

I have felt more comfortable with things since Sunday. It's at least let me not try to worry about what she's thinking/doing. As 25 said, I clearly have a bad habit of doing that. Hopefully that continues because it certainly helps me feel more relaxed and comfortable about the sitch.

[Bunches]

Sounds like you are doing well. Keep it going.

Its funny to me, that as bad as I am at looking for change each week in my own sitch I'm almost as bad at everyone else's. I keep logging on hoping to see everyone has a breakthrough.

[trc2009]

I am doing well. 25 called me out on points that I really need to think about. I've detatched from W physically, but not mentally. Things are improving but I need to be careful not to slip back into old patterns. Especially if W is giving me indications that she is considering working toward a reconcilation. Because if we BOTH aren't ready, then it could be disasterous.

I've come to find that noticing "change" is an elusive thing. Because W is very hot & cold (same as yours). Well, my wife is warm and cold.

My wife is loosening up in terms of simple communication. That was a huge hurdle early on. Now things are most definitely more relaxed. I think we're both doing better at giving each other the benefit of a doubt.

That has probably been the one and only "real" change I've seen from her. But it's most definitely important. If we can't lighten up in terms of communicating with each other, things were never going to get better.

A breakthrough for me and my W will most definitely be WAYYY down the road. If ever. Even if we were to move back in together, communication is good, no talk of D, I would not consider that a breakthrough. My W's big hangup is her safety. And for good reason which has been documented in this thread. And since she doesn't have that, the idea of physical contact with me is stomach churning to her. Until THAT returns, a breakthrough probably won't happen. That is several steps down the road though.

[25yearsmlc]

I am doing well. 25 called me out on points that I really need to think about. I've detatched from W physically, but not mentally.


GAL helps with Detachment, which helps with PMA, and laying the foundation for a relaxed time around you, which one builds from...put a STOP SIGN image in your head when you begin to spin and swirl in the mind reading. seriously. You have a wife who TELLS YOU what she feels when she wants to. No mystery. NO NEED to probe or guess.

Settle down, learn to STFU while she does her own work. You have only to gain by this...


Things are improving but I need to be careful not to slip back into old patterns.

Reverting back to your old ways is HER biggest fear. Don't ever forget that she WILL walk, if you do that. Keep it together. Get the TOOLS so you know you won't revert and let those changes radiate from within, so she can believe in them.

Especially if W is giving me indications that she is considering working toward a reconcilation. Because if we BOTH aren't ready, then it could be disasterous.


"If w is giving indications that she is considering working towards a recon..." Um, 'IF'? Well, what other signs are you waiting for?

She TOLD YOU she's Not sure she wants a divorce. She asks you how you are doing in counseling and anger management (b/c she wants to feel reassured that you are finally becoming the man she's been waiting for and deserved).

You are better off than 90% of the LBH's here, fyi

I've come to find that noticing "change" is an elusive thing. Because W is very hot & cold (same as yours). Well, my wife is warm and cold.

She's NOT sure of your changes yet! How can she be? The more she senses your monitoring, (mind reading mostly) the more pressure she'll feel. Don't do that.

Please consider going to Retrovaille and getting some tools as soon as she's willing. She does NOT have to be willing to reconcile to go to the workshop, she has to be "open to working on the M' to go. And it will not harm your m, like some MC's can. It can only help.

I personally witnessed things nearly miraculous happen. Of the 25 couples at our Retrovaille, 8 were in divorce proceedings and many others felt headed that way. 4 years later, 20 are still married. Not too shabby. We got A LOT out of it.


My wife is loosening up in terms of simple communication. That was a huge hurdle early on. Now things are most definitely more relaxed. I think we're both doing better at giving each other the benefit of a doubt.

Keep at your own work in your sandbox, stop wording about what SHE is thinking. Just be the best YOU that you can be. Focus on yourself, not her or what you perceived her reactions to be...just YOU in that mirror, okay?

Every single couple that reconciled here, that I know of, had an LBSer who worked on THEMSELVES, and their changes triggered other changes, and helped the m's evolve back into a real working partnership...


That has probably been the one and only "real" change I've seen from her. But it's most definitely important. If we can't lighten up in terms of communicating with each other, things were never going to get better.

A breakthrough for me and my W will most definitely be WAYYY down the road. If ever. Even if we were to move back in together, communication is good, no talk of D, I would not consider that a breakthrough. My W's big hangup is her safety. And for good reason which has been documented in this thread. And since she doesn't have that, the idea of physical contact with me is stomach churning to her.

Has she told you this^^^? OR, are you again mind reading?

Otherwise, I agree as stated above, she fears for her safety. For good reason. That's YOUR problem and responsibility...enough said.


Until THAT returns, a breakthrough probably won't happen. That is several steps down the road though.

So check into Retrovaille, and stay in your sandbox for your work. Keep at it. You may well turn this around.

[trc2009]

GAL cannot be understated. This has probably been the worst winter on record for those of us in cold areas who are going through marital problems/separation/divorce.

I have so many hobbies that are summer oriented. I'd kill to be able to go outside and work on my yard for a couple of hours!

In my downtime, I do my very best to keep myself busy. At least when I don't have my kids. When I have them, my attention is 100% dedicated to them....as it should be. I've been working out which has helped in so many ways. It makes you feel better, it helps with confidence, and is a great way to relieve stress. On the weekends when I don't have the kids, I make sure I'm spending time w/ friends/family that I would not have had time for during my M.

When spring rolls around it should be much easier to find things to do. I've found when I stop to think, it doesn't do me any good. I think I have detatched somewhat. Physically? Yes. Of all of Sandi's rules, I have done a good job of not overstaying my welcome, acting eager, following, etc. I've "acted" as if. At least as much as someone who co-parents with their WAS can. No contact isn't an option in our case.

And I agree that my sitch is so much better than so many of the fine people here in terms of being a LBS.

My wife has indicated so many things that are positive.

-She doesn't hate me. In fact, she considers me one of, if not her best friend.
-She isn't sure if she is going to file for D or not even though she's leaning that way.
-She has indicated that in the event of D, she would like both of us to have shared custody.
-We don't disagree about money. We have money "stress" like every other married couple, but neither of us has a spending habit or is trying to hide money, etc.
-We generally can be around each other and not want to rip each others heads off.
-She has indicated that she agrees that if we REALLY wanted to give our M a chance, at some point or another we will probably have to live under the same roof again.
-She has taken an interest in my IC and is glad that I am doing so. She has indicated that it may not change the way she feels about our sitch but I think that is a perfectly fair statement on her part.
-She has told me the idea of dating/seeing someone in the event of D makes her sick to even think about. To quote her "not too many good guys out there willing to date a divorced, single mom of two who is only 27, doesn't have a job, and doesn't want more kids." I honestly didn't know what to say about that when she said it this past weekend.

These are all things I KNOW. 25, you are right about the mind reading. If you catch me doing it on here, please continue to call me out. I need help with that. Sometimes I guess I don't even realize I'm doing it. Another topic of discussion for my IC!