WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[Ambivalent]

Hiya Job!

I'm hoping the crying I did yesterday cleansed me a bit. It was good to release it, and as I write this today I feel no need to release.

I've shared how I feel and vented. I even shared a wee bit to T.M. Nothing of consequence, just that yesterday wasn't the best day.

He was sweet and said Thursday will be! Meaning we'll be together that day, and I'll get a huge hug from him! It is nice to have a bit of a counterbalance to all of the anxiety and morose feelings.

I'm going to stop by the attorney's and tell them to go forward a bit faster.

I want this over, and it will be soon. May was when he ran away and a year of living apart will be done.

Then I can live my life, not looking back OR over my shoulder.

I will still try and stay in the house, but I'm not holding my breath. If I'm lucky, since it's under they won't push to have me out.
His irresponsibility and narcissism is such a wonderful example to our two daughters.

I'm glad I did not have a son. So at least in this situation that cycle won't be passed down another generation.

I've been open with one of my daughters and she will have compassion and empathy down the road. Right now she is dealing with a lot of personal guilt over how she feels about her father.

She confided that she loved him but did not like him. I tried to clarify and ask "...you mean his behavior? ". Her response was dead pan..." No, him. ". Her eyes were full of pain, and yet deadened at the same time.

That is where the pain in my heart is currently. Seeing the love and innocence dissipate right before my eyes. THAT is the tragedy in all of this. Not him, nor I.

When I see a part of my daughter dying, it burns me to the depths of my soul. I'm not angry, but I am so so saddened by the lack of humanity in one person over the perceived self preservation!

Heading to attorney, store, school and then the gym tonight. Maybe JUST maybe I'll sleep through the night!

No expectations, will use a beginner's mind. HA!