WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[willbwell]

amb, you sound great! hope to get there myself!
what's keeping me?... idk.
know what I want and deserve. h isn't willing or able.
staying busy with my studies...
good luck to you on your state boards!

[Ambivalent]

Aaaw Willb, You'll get there, but I do believe you have to push yourself to . What I mean, I forced myself into the dance, to put myself "out there". The more I did it the more I became at ease, the more at ease the more confident.

Being in mixed company is important, for again it forces interaction. Again, DANCE was the key for me.

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Last night was UNBELIEVABLE! I didn't get home until the sun came up... the last time I did that...I was twenty something.

My guy was the five LL's in one package. He was attentive, complimentary, oh SO giving ;D Constantly validating, showing acts of service, touchy feely( constantly stroking my body ) What more could a person want?

Just incredible...I know what I've been missing now, and let's just say, uh NEVER again! Ha!

[Ambivalent]

Today was emotional but in a very healthy way. John T.M. kept texting glorious affirmations/along with naughty provocative innuendo's...fun and nice. We'll see each other this coming week.

I also spent time with a friend of whom I withdrew during the "crisis". I finally told her everything, where I was, what I came through, how I feel ! Shared my past date and we giggled.

Went to daughter's and we discussed her profile on a dating site. Discussed how to make herself more open , how to flirt safely, and how to meet someone.

We discussed me dating , her comfort zone and yes she was VERY opinionated . I was not to date, ever. It was H. or nobody.

I teared up and said that I thought that was what I thought she'd feel. I shared with her how I felt when my mom started dating, and that I understood.
Then I asked her if she thought it was fair that her father got to do what he was doing, but I had to wall myself off.

She actually said no, and that she was more accepting of me being happy, than him doing what he was doing. I asked her when she would be more comfortable with me seeing someone, and she gave me a timeline... ha! I told her I would never force her to meet anyone, share holidays without her acceptance, and that she was my heart.

I wanted her to know that I was over my H. and that I'd grown too far to ever go back. I wanted her to know that I was not only okay but that I thought I was even better than before! She didn't have to worry about me, or feel she needed to always be there for me. I wanted her to see that I was strong and capable of letting someone into my heart, and that I was strong enough to not compromise my passions or love of myself.

Lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of love.

[Ambivalent]

Today was a rollercoaster day.

My person of interest and I had a healthy conversation about what we wanted and how we felt.

Then I got the mail, and my H. is 15,000. In arrears on the mort. He is sabotaging any possible way of me keeping the house. I'm NOT a happy camper and I finally texted him after complete darkness, since right before Christmas.

I told him I was disappointed in his behavior and treatment of me, and our relationship of over 33 years. That I wanted him to let me go and start moving forward. He kept telling me I should get a realtor friend of mine to sell the house (short sale) and that we should use a mediator.

I told him I strongly disagreed, that I wanted an attorney to represent my interests and I wanted the house.

He kept pushing me to use a mediator and I said no... then he tried to bully me and say perhaps I should raise the money for the attorney... right after he told me I could take 2,700.00 and use it to retain one!

I told him I didn't appreciate him trying to bully me, and was he now going to renege on what he just offered, because I didn't agree with him?

He kept pushing, and I asked him to stop. I told him I was going to be frank, and that I did not trust him. He has been lying to me for years, that I had to protect my interests.

I said that I was extremely disappointed in his choices and behavior. I deserved respect. I shared that I have been nothing but accommodating, kind, loving and patient with his behavior and choices and perhaps he should look at how he has affected me and the girls.

I stood my ground, I told him that I thought it was sad and wrong that he would not speak to me nor face me, no matter how he feels about us or our old marriage

I told him that I wanted to move on and share love and be with someone who appreciates me. That I wished him well and I hope he finds inner peace and joy.

I don't want animosity nor ugliness, but I was holding firm to having an attorney.

He said he would call on Wednesday if I so chose, and that he could now face me...@@. UUUUGH, I am not feeling charitable presently.

I am feeling anger towards the selfishness of someone who has chosen to not communicate , then blow apart. Now because HE wants something, everyone else has to suffer. I'm displaced, the girls are losing their family and possible inheritance. He has made decisions about NOT paying things, so he can do what he wants.

So yes I'm feeling anger and impatience as I would with a teenager. I feeling some depression creep in and anxiety is rising.

" I do not like this sam I am, I do not like green eggs and ham!"

I don't want to be bitter, but I don't believe he should escape consequences of his narcissism.

Going to sleep now, this is taking a toll on my p.m.a. and I'm starting to get drowsy...

[job]

I'm sorry you were subjected to his selfishness, but it's not going to get any better. He's not going to pay the mortgage and unfortunately, that means a short sale or you find another way to save the house. Can you save the house? You might want to contact the mortgage company and see if he's started bankruptcy or foreclosure proceedings. I can't imagine the mortgage company allowing this much money to go unnoticed.

It's not going to get any better and the longer this goes on, the more the financial expenses will rack up. Have you removed your name off of the joint accounts? If you haven't, you might want to consider doing so. You do not want to be liable for any of the debt that he has taken on since leaving.

I do hope that you and your h can sit down and talk about what needs to be done financially. Of course, he can face you now...he's been gone a while and he's shut down emotionally and detached to the point that in his mind, he sees you as an "obstacle" and nothing more. His anger will keep what "love" he had for you stuffed down in his soul. If you do meet w/him, keep the emotions in check and treat it as a business deal...nothing more.

Good luck!

[Ambivalent]

Hiya Job!

I'm hoping the crying I did yesterday cleansed me a bit. It was good to release it, and as I write this today I feel no need to release.

I've shared how I feel and vented. I even shared a wee bit to T.M. Nothing of consequence, just that yesterday wasn't the best day.

He was sweet and said Thursday will be! Meaning we'll be together that day, and I'll get a huge hug from him! It is nice to have a bit of a counterbalance to all of the anxiety and morose feelings.

I'm going to stop by the attorney's and tell them to go forward a bit faster.

I want this over, and it will be soon. May was when he ran away and a year of living apart will be done.

Then I can live my life, not looking back OR over my shoulder.

I will still try and stay in the house, but I'm not holding my breath. If I'm lucky, since it's under they won't push to have me out.
His irresponsibility and narcissism is such a wonderful example to our two daughters.

I'm glad I did not have a son. So at least in this situation that cycle won't be passed down another generation.

I've been open with one of my daughters and she will have compassion and empathy down the road. Right now she is dealing with a lot of personal guilt over how she feels about her father.

She confided that she loved him but did not like him. I tried to clarify and ask "...you mean his behavior? ". Her response was dead pan..." No, him. ". Her eyes were full of pain, and yet deadened at the same time.

That is where the pain in my heart is currently. Seeing the love and innocence dissipate right before my eyes. THAT is the tragedy in all of this. Not him, nor I.

When I see a part of my daughter dying, it burns me to the depths of my soul. I'm not angry, but I am so so saddened by the lack of humanity in one person over the perceived self preservation!

Heading to attorney, store, school and then the gym tonight. Maybe JUST maybe I'll sleep through the night!

No expectations, will use a beginner's mind. HA!

[Ambivalent]

Yesterday was a big slice of what I imagine Heaven may someday be.

Spent from 1:30 to 9:30 with T.M. We couldn't get enough of each others presence.

Endorphins and hormones are raging, it does feel good. I have it in perspective and will keep myself in check. It's VERY nice to be appreciated , and it's been a long while since someone treated me as a gentleman should. I like having the door opened, be shuffled to the inside of the walk, doors opened, stroked and being hugged.
I like being in a car and he can't keep his hands off me, meaning he has his hand on my knee.

I am so grateful that I've worked on me... and of course still am. I appreciate small things more, my friends get hugged and I share my love more with them. I will be a better lover, friend, companion and parent because of all of the tumult.

For those of you reading me, do your homework. Do focus on you, for in the end whether you reconcile or choose another path you will be very happy that you did!

<3's to you all... even you lurkers who haven't introduced yourself yet!

[Wonka]

Ambi,

You're sounding much stronger these days and I APPLAUD you! Keep on keeping on, baby!

[Ambivalent]

Aaaaw Wonkers...thanks! I still have some crap to go through but nothing that a strong bitch can't handle...

Everyday in every way, I'm getting better and better. Ha! I'm learning so much about myself, and others. Still digging and finding out I'm not such a wimp after all! Hahahaha!

[TL72*]

That is so nice to hear... keep posting so some of us can live vicariously through you