I can't believe that because I haven't "lawyered up" and gone after my W that is being interpreted as I don't want my kids???? Wow! I could NOT simply go and pull my kids back from my W because of what she did when she left. If I did I would have ended up in jail. My W did her homework when she left and made sure it would be very difficult for me to simply just pull the kids back. If I knew I could have brought them home and not faced serious consequences I would have done it.
Scorp...
You are totally missing what we are saying to you.
It has NOTHING to do with you going after your Wife.
Nobody has said that you don't want your kids. The only thing that we have to go by is what you type here.
Your ACTIONS have said that you don't want your kids. The rest are just empty words. The rest are just excuses of why you couldn't, that somebody else is keeping you from them....
Einstein defined insanity as doing the same things over and over again, while EXPECTING different results.
Isn't that what has been happening ???
I have never once told you to go after your Wife....have I ??
I have , however, asked you repeated times if there was ANY way that you could go after your kids legally, and you have dodged every one of those questions with an excuse of why you couldn't...
18 days in 4 months ???
Dude...
Regardless of what you want, or don't want. No matter how hard you try, and want the best for everyone involved, the marriage that you USED to know is dead and gone.
Everything that you do from this day forward, will reflect the next relationship in your life.
And before you get all pissy here....
Your next relationship could very well be with your current spouse. Just keep in mind, that anything that could possibly happen, will be an entirely NEW relationship, that doesn't apply the rules and laws of this past relationship....
Your wife has an agenda, that consists entirely about doing the exact opposite of what you feel, or want...
Just the way it is for now....
She has HAD a plan for what appears, quite a while now. You have only recently come to gain this knowledge. And the outcome of that, is that she will have the upper hand until you change that dynamic....
And unfortunately, that dynamic includes your young children. And make no mistake, that she is more than willing to use them as "pawns" against you....
The longer that this goes on, the better the chances of her taking them from you entirely...
THAT is what we don't want to see happen....
She is angry
She is entitled
She has the power, and control in this relationship ( if you ask her, she would say 'finally')
And she is NOT afraid to use any of that against you....
Crap, she already DID the day that she left....
Now, with that said, if you really feel that sending another e-mail is going to change this, then I would recommend sending it.
I just want you to know where that line in the sand is, so that if it doesn't go well, you are prepared to fight.
What is your time limit on a response ??
What will a response that you can live with entail ???
LITB, the support here has been AMAZING! I am so grateful for it. It has really helped me to deal with my sitch. I may come across as defensive sometimes (I'm still dealing with my own insecurity) but I definitely take the advice very seriously.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
You're right Drew, I hope my W will see it that way. She likely can't face to not be with our kids any more than she already has. She is very, very attached to them, as am I, so the thought of giving up half her time with them may be what turns this into a war.
This was exactly true for me as a mom and why, when I fought, I fought so hard. If she loves her kids (and it seems she does), she will take any significant limitation of her time with them as an incredible threat, one that cannot really be faced and so must be defeated. This knowledge is important in your strategy and dealings with her. That does not mean that the strategy in fighting has to be a negative one, perhaps reassuring her that she will always be their primary caregiver might cause her to relax a bit in the negotiations. Nevertheless, this knowledge is important, and likely key.
PS This is my first time trying to use the quote button. I hope it works.
What will a response that you can live with entail ???
What ACTIONS will you take at that time ???
I will wait to hear from her until next week but I'm sure she will send back a similar response to the ones she's been sending within a day or two.
If she will agree to serious discussion about 50/50 and committing it in writing, signed etc, then I would hold off filing for D. I would still get the lawyer going next week, maybe even this week, just so everything is ready to go if need be.
My actions will be to first negotiate with her if she's willing. If she's not willing my lawyer will be given the green light to go ahead with everything she can to give the best chance of 50/50 with our kids.
Again, everything you said in your post is pretty much spot on.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
mach1, that was dead on. Scorp, my W left too. Even though I had considered it because repeated attempts had failed over the years to change or fix the M, I stayed. she finally bailed.
I heard later that she'd been trashing me for years to our kids, friends and family, and planning to leave as soon as so could figure out how to do what she wanted in life without me (our earnings are very different...she has expensive hobbies).
keep your head up. protect yourself and your kids. She may get angry, but she'll respect you for standing up and saying/doing what is right and what you believe in.
I ended up filing for D. my W showed no sign of coming back and was trashing me and lying to me about stuff. We have no separation here in my state. Either you file or you don't. The only way to make sure she couldn't hurt the family financially was to make her accountable (legally) for her own expenses. I told her I don't want this...but, there doesn't appear to be another way at the moment....
good luck.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
This was exactly true for me as a mom and why, when I fought, I fought so hard. If she loves her kids (and it seems she does), she will take any significant limitation of her time with them as an incredible threat, one that cannot really be faced and so must be defeated. This knowledge is important in your strategy and dealings with her. That does not mean that the strategy in fighting has to be a negative one, perhaps reassuring her that she will always be their primary caregiver might cause her to relax a bit in the negotiations. Nevertheless, this knowledge is important, and likely key.
PS This is my first time trying to use the quote button. I hope it works.
Great point! I think that is exactly what is behind most of this sitch. She didn't want to risk ever losing the kids so everything she has done was to protect her time with them. It's going to be a tricky one.
In time, I hope she will see that I am not at all trying to take our kids away from her. She hopefully will see that she needs to put the needs of our kids ahead of her own wishes. They need both of us equally. Sometimes they need her more, other times they may need me more, but in the end it's about both parents being with our kids as close to equally as possible.
PS, the quote button worked great
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Well, I figured my W would get impatient, she just sent me another message. She REALLY wants money ASAP:
Are you coming to see the kids this weekend? D6 mentioned that you were coming but I have not heard any confirmation from you. I suggested the schedule a couple of weeks ago but you have not addressed it. The girls are in school and that should not and cannot be disrupted. Continuity, stability and structure are key for all three of them. The purpose of the schedule is so that each of them know what and when to expect events.
We need to check the expiry dates for D2's car seats - they only have a 5 year life for safety. Would you please check the one you have and let me know what it says?
The house.....I would appreciate your response on this today/tonight. You had asked for 1 - 2 weeks in order for you to provide your reply. It has now been a full 2 weeks.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
