Need help saving my family - part 5

[Mach1]

That ^^^^ is what I am talkin about....


I have been reading some stuff on Divorce and Custody law in Canada, and you crazy Canadians aren't too much unlike us down here.

Legal Separation

To get a divorce in Canada requires that you and your spouse be separated for one year – something a lot of people call a legal separation, although this is not a legal term.

6 Common Legal Separation Myths in Canada

There are a number of commonly held beliefs about legal separation that simply are not true. Here are some of the more pervasive ones:

Myth #1. The first is that to be legally separated, you and your spouse must live in different homes. This is not true. The courts realize that often this is not financially feasible, and if you have children, it is in your and the children’s best interests to stay at the matrimonial home until custody and access arrangements have been worked out.

Myth #2. Another myth is that a temporary reconciliation ends a legal separation. This is not true. The Divorce Act’s policy is to make sure that couples try to work things out before a divorce is granted. Because of this, the Divorce Act allows couples to reconcile for a period or several periods totaling up to 90 days without affecting the one year separation period.

Myth #3. A third myth is that the exact date the legal separation started does not matter. This is not true. Obviously one full year of separation needs to pass before a divorce is granted. However, the date of separation is also important for other legal issues, such as the division of property. While this may not matter in some cases, in periods where assets values have changed dramatically in a short period of time, the exact date of separation can make a significant difference to how property is divided.

Myth #4. A fourth myth is that both parties need to agree to a legal separation. This is not true. If one spouse unilaterally decides to separate and takes action in that regard, the couple is separated, even if the other spouse does not want this.

Myth #5. A fifth myth is that there needs to be a separation agreement for the parties to be legally separated. This is not true. A separation agreement is a document that outlines all the rights and responsibilities of the spouses whose marriage is ended. Normally, it will need to be agreed upon before a divorce is granted. However, it is not necessary to sign a separation agreement, or any other document for that matter, for a couple to separate.

Myth #6. A sixth myth is that you must get a divorce if you are legally separated. The main thing a divorce does is allow you to remarry some time in the future if that is what you choose. Many people, for religious or other reasons, prefer not to take that final step, and it is not required. You and your spouse can stay legally separated for many years if that is what both of you choose.



Sole Custody And Moving

Even if you have sole custody of your children you still must obtain the permission of the other parent before moving. While asking the other parent can be very difficult, it’s worth discussing, and you never know if they’ll be receptive to the idea or not. Write down on a piece of paper the pros and cons so the other parent can see your point of view and perhaps you can encourage them to do the same for you.

When You Can’t Agree

If you and the other parent cannot agree as to whether you should move or not move, you need to start legal proceedings. You cannot force someone to accept your viewpoint, and if you still feel as though it would be in the best interest of your children to move, hire a lawyer. This is one of the most difficult areas of family law.


How The Court Decides

The court will simply look at what the best interests of the child are. While this is a very vague description of what the court looks for, it’s all that can be said. In general, if a parent has sole custody they are more likely to get a favourable ruling than one who shares custody and is looking to move the children away from the other parent. The larger role a parent has in a child’s life, the harder it is for a court to agree that the children will benefit from being moved away.

The reason you are moving away will also make a difference to the court. If you are moving for a legitimate reason such as to start a new job or for other economic reasons the court will be more likely to make a favourable ruling than if you are moving to live with a new partner.

Knowing how the court will rule is often difficult to predict, even for a family law lawyer. Each case is different: different people and different circumstances. So, have all of your ducks in a row when you are asking for permission to move your children and be sure that it truly will benefit them as well as you.


Distance Makes A Difference

If you are moving a short distance, the court is more likely to rule in your favor than if you are moving across the country. The court wishes that families would stay together, that children would know both parents well. So, the more distance you are putting between your children and their other parent the more difficult the decision becomes for the court. If you try to limit the distance you are moving, you may have more success in getting the permission you are seeking.

[LITB]

I agree with Drew and Mach 100%. As the great prophet MC Hammer once sang...Hammer Time.

[Scorp7]

"April 2013: She consults with a lawyer. When you catch her, and only after you catch her, she tells you that she’s only protecting yourself in case you leave her. Really? Looking back do you really believe that now based on what has happened?"

No, I knew that wasn't the case shortly after she left. She wanted out but I also think she still wanted to try. She did do a lot of very thoughtful, romantic things for me between April and October. There are a lot of details I haven't mentioned, it would take a book to say everything. Basically though, she was trying to improve things for our marriage, she just didn't tell me that if things didn't improve she was gone. I was also a fool to think she'd never leave.

October 3, 2014: You come home from work, she and the kids are gone, and the police are waiting for you. You don’t get into a lot of details here (which makes me wonder) but apparently she tells the police that you threatened her six months ago and she has you arrested. Several times you are asked what the outcome of this was and you finally answer vaguely that you think it’s behind you because she “decided not to go any further with it AT THIS TIME.” This is key, I’ll come back to it.

She made an accusation against me saying I threatened her. This is VERY common for women in my province when they decide to leave (according to my lawyer). It gives them all the power in the situation. Because there have been a handful of domestic situations in the province in the last few years that led to a very serious situations all accusations are treated the same. The police do not investigate the charge at all, simply arrest the person accused and let the court sort it out. My wife and I were together for 11 years and there was never one time of any threats of violence let alone any actual violence. I have never, nor would I ever, hurt my wife in any way. You may have noticed that I have not taken action against my wife, that is because I cannot do anything that I would think of as hurting her.

You also say that things have improved on that front because you had the kids for a whole week which included an extra two days at your daughters request. What you missed is that your W specifically said that this would never happen again and you shouldn’t put your daughter in the position of having to choose between her parents. And I agree with her.

I did not ask my daughter to choose. My W did that. When I asked for my kids to come home last month my W said it was up to my daughter what she wanted to do and that she was not influencing her at all. When my kids came home both of my daughters said that they did not want to leave at all, ever. I had to tell them that wasn't possible right now but if they wanted to stay longer then they could ask their mom if it would be ok. Again, I followed my wife's lead on handling the situation. I did not agree with it being our kids decision either.

Speaking of 50/50 custody, you say you want it but are you really aware of all that it involves? I have had 50/50 custody of my three children for over six years and let me tell you it’s not always easy. Are you prepared to adjust your work schedule when they are with you? Stay home when they are sick? Get them to and from school and all afterschool activities? Have everything they need at your house so they are not going back and forth? Adjust schedules in case you ever have to travel?

VERY aware of what it entails. I had already, before my wife left, tailored my work such that I could be at home with our kids all the time. I work from home one or two days a week for that reason. I have it arranged with my work such that I can work from home whenever the kids are with me. To say that I was a very involved father is an understatement. I did everything with the kids and I am also very aware of what that will mean now. I came from a divorced home and grew up with single parents.

I’m curious what the waiting period is for a divorce in Canada. The actual time varies by state down here, but most state that you have to be separated for 6, 12, 24 months before a divorce can be finalized UNLESS both parties agree to waive this requirements. You need to ask your lawyer this if you already haven’t.

I can file for D in my own province immediately but it won't be granted for at minimum 12 months. My W has to wait 12 months before she can file in her new province since she just moved there. Once the 12 months have expired then she can file there.

I appreciate the feedback, I do. The thing is, I've had my b*lls all along. The weak, easy thing for me to have done would have been to go after my wife with a lawyer immediately after she left. It has been much harder staying patient and not doing anything rash because of fear or emotion.

For the first two months and a bit after my W left there were many signs she wasn't sure about wanting a D. She met with my step mother at our home in November and said she didn't want a divorce and was taking things one day at a time. She said she still had feelings for me. There was a lot more just from that one meeting.

My situation has a lot more to it than I could possibly post here. As I'm sure is the case with most people, they can give the basics of their lives with the spouse but to go into every detail would take a book.

I am very aware that this situation is almost 99% going to end up being handled with lawyers. I expect my W will respond as she has in the past and ignore my requests to discuss 50/50 custody and at that point I will have my lawyer take action.

[Scorp7]

Mach, thanks for that info. The problem again isn't so much what the law is or isn't, it's what the courts will do or not do to enforce it. If I had filed an order for my kids to be brought back to my province right after my W left there was a decent chance it would have happened. Looking back knowing what I know now, it's something I should have done.

The problem is, at the time I felt almost certain that, at the very least, I was going to get a chance to work on my M with my wife, it was just a matter of time. I was wrong, obviously. Nothing I can do about that now. So, I am going to send one more email asking for her to talk to me about setting up a parenting plan for our kids. If/when she ignores the message I will be on the phone with my L to get things going on the next steps.

[ericmsant2]

So, I am going to send one more email asking for her to talk to me about setting up a parenting plan for our kids. If/when she ignores the message I will be on the phone with my L to get things going on the next steps

Yep that email will show her how serious you are..

Like I said W...I want to see my kids...

(no response)....


I am giving you ONE MORE TIME....


Okay...no ONE MORE TIME...I am serious now...

Now..OKAY...THIS IS IT...ONE LAST TIME....


Okay....THIS IS the final straw -....

I am not saying this again.....ONE LAST TIME.


Scorp - ACTIONS speak lounder than words.

They are YOUR kids. It is okay to only want to see them some of the time. It really is. So I ask you this....what do YOUR ACTIONS say?

I am going to reach out to a friend of mine in Canada to see if she can post. She is quite familar with Canadian law.

Good luck man
Eric

[unbidden]

Scorp, for what it's worth, I echo what Eric and Mach have said. It does seem like you are stalling and, having had to go to war with my first H over my kids, know what a bruising battle this is likely to be for you and her and your kids. But, if you don't act, you will likely have lost your kids without a single shot having been fired, so to speak. Do you really want your kids to look back at you like folks look at how quickly France fell to Germany in WWII? Not a pretty picture. If you are just going to let her win and only pretend to fight, save the money and the stress and the heartache and just give up your kids because that is what you are basically doing now, only more slowly.

[Scorp7]

I can't believe that because I haven't "lawyered up" and gone after my W that is being interpreted as I don't want my kids???? Wow! I could NOT simply go and pull my kids back from my W because of what she did when she left. If I did I would have ended up in jail. My W did her homework when she left and made sure it would be very difficult for me to simply just pull the kids back. If I knew I could have brought them home and not faced serious consequences I would have done it.

It's sad that so many seem to think the way to solve problems when a M breaks down is to immediately involve lawyers. Only after I have exhausted every attempt to amicably solve things with my W will I involve lawyers, that is what I think should be the case in most situations. In all likelihood, the lawyer will be drafting up the D papers and/or child custody next week.

If my W continues to be unreasonable then I will fight for my kids with everything I have. She will of course do the same. In the end, what is left of the family? It will be torn to pieces. Isn't it worth trying to avoid that???

[ye21]

As I told you in my post, choose wiselly your batles, everybody has an opinion, I will work on yourself before to do any movement of fighting and things like that, she gave you the option of running things smoothly, choose that one and play with the time, using it on your own benefit, there is nothing more dangerous than a person with resentment and if you bring lawyers and she does the same, this is gonna be a batle of resentment and we all know how wars end...everybody looses, try negotiation first and remember to accept that the way she is feeling today might be different tomorrow if you are starting to love yourself...
If you go into battle you might loose everything.... Dont be affraid, you have a choice here, use it with love, you dont need to prove nothing and not ending being " right" you just need to focus in smoothness which is what will bring peace and love in the way.

I can do 2 things in life, treat you with hate....and treat you with love, both reflects first how I treat myself, but lets try something, if you sent her the hate email basically you will go to war...that email can wait till tomorrow.... Sent her the one with love , the one I told you and lets see how she reacts, if it doesnt work we can still send the war one tomorrow right? time now its on your side, use it wisely

[Scorp7]

Another thing I haven't mentioned a lot about is that my W and I simply do not have a lot of money for lawyers. In fact, the only way we will not lose our home right now is if I start to pull investments to keep things going. Beyond that, it will be selling assets (house, trailer, vehicles etc). Paying for lawyers may well mean having to put any money we did have from selling our assets into paying for lawyers.

The timing of this situation couldn't have been worse for us financially. We would have been set for life if we just stuck with our original plan when we bought into the business, built the house, etc. But with things going the way they are now we face financial ruin.

Having said that, I feel I am worth more to my kids than any amount of money. If it means starting from zero financially but my kids having me in their life half of the time it will be worth it.

[Scorp7]

ye21, I agree. That has been my thinking all along through this. What I have been doing has not been an act. I love my W and my kids more than anything in this world. I would do anything for them. I made some big time mistakes during our M and they were the main reason things have gone the way they have. The LAST thing I want to do is go to war with my W over my kids. The sad thing, my situation is very common, it happens every day, and families are being torn apart by it. The court system is not designed to bring families together, it creates adversaries that have to battle one another with everything they have to be "right" and "win".