W said its over - Said I can't change her mind

[Duds3]

AnotherStander thanks as always. My question is how will she see the changes since she has been so quick to file for D? She seems to have moved on with her life and doesn't care it we see or talk to each other again.

[Duds3]

I had the sicken task of going to pick up the D papers that were filed by my W. I cant even begin to describe the feeling, I wanted to puked, scream and kick. It had to be one of the lowest feelings of my life.

Somehow, someway I just want my W to slow down with the whole process. I want her to be able to trust herself to love me again. As I read on here, love is strong enough to marry, its strong enough to come back!

I want to say this to her, "Give me an opportunity to demonstrate to you I have changed and will continue to change for you and the better. I will not allow myself to disappoint you. I want us to be a success story."

[Duds3]

I have had a good last couple of days. Went on a weekend get away and reconnected with some friends. Good escape from reality for a few days.

Based on my W recent actions it feels she must think our M was holding her back from being with her friends. Makes no sense to me, this was never an issue with us. She has been to Nashville the last two weekends to hang out.

She has told me she hates me and I go straight to (opposite of heaven). This is not the person I know. She would never say stuff like this. She has never been this ruthless or mean, NEVER. I just want her to be the person I know she is and be happy. The person I know wouldn't be doing any of this.

She won't talk to anyone about the situation. She won't talk to anyone who will ask her to answer the deeper questions. She told her parents, who are extremely religious, she doesn't want them involved she just wants there support.

We are both better than this and things would be so much better for both of us if she would just give us a chance. I just feel like if she would step away from the sitch and not make decisions based on emotions she would see this is it right. How can she even rationalize this with herself right now. This makes no sense to no one.

The part that has been hardest for me lately, I gave up my life for her. I would do it a million times over again but it just feels like she threw me to the curb. Do WAWs ever come too?

Thanks for the help

[Duds3]

Nothing worse than knowing you are making changes and not having the W around to see them. I have come to the conclusion the W feels like she was trapped in our m. She has been acting like she never got to experience her single years as a younger woman. She wants to be able to come and go with nothing potentially holding her back. Or in other words do what she wants to do when she wants to do it without worrying about anyone else. She made the comment to me, "I guess I'm selfish because I'm going to pick myself over this M." It's like she has all of sudden said to herself, "I want to be single again and do as I please."

I have moved out of our old place, I couldn't handle being there by myself. She gave me my car key back and her key to our apartment. She has separted her bank account, changed her name on FB and deleted all the pictures of us on there. When I was cleaning our apt she had thrown away a lot of our old pictures and wedding pictures. It's very apparent she is trying to rid her memory of us at all. How can one person act like this?

It's almost like I wish I would have done something horrible, affair or crazy addiction so she could tell me why she is doing this. This simply comes down to her wanting to do what she wants to do and not have to answer to anyone.

I have been doing better in regards to GAL but I really struggle with the idea of her seeing things will be different if we reconcile when she has NC with me. She is so hard headed and won't listen or talk to anyone who has been in a similar Sitch. If she would step away from the Sitch and make a rational decision and not one based on current emotions things could be different. It feels like time is slipping away from me. Our M would be so good now with new tools, if she would just give us a chance but she is refusing.

Any help out there?

[Duds3]

To all the vets out there a question for you guys. Since I never had the chance to validate or empathize with my W, can I send an email doing so?

I know WAW try to justify there choice by her words to me. One week, "I don't hate you I just cant be with you after all that has happened." Another week, "Im not trying to hurt you." Another week, "You can go straight to he%&. I hate you."

This past weekend was tough, her team won a championship and I wasn't there to celebrate her achievement with her. I do good and bad sometimes in regards to not thinking about her and what she is doing. But I'm not afraid to admit I miss her and the life we had. I miss my best friend. I just hope her life isn't all roses like she is acting. I want her to miss me and us too. Like others on here it almost seems unfair I have tons of pain but she can just shut me out of her world. I've never felt so hopeless or frustrated.

[Duds3]

Recent development today, W sent me a text asking about paying the bills and rent. Not sure where this coming from or how she knows when they were paid or not paid. Make a long story short I sent her a couple of text validating and emphasizing her feelings about our sitch.

Me: I'm sorry you are having to deal with of this. And congrats on winning your championship
W: thanks and if your not going to pay the bills i will take my name off everything.
Me: I wanted nothing more then to be there celebrating with you.
Then I validated her feelings.
Me:I know this has been difficult for you and I understand why you are feeling this way and I understand you want time away from. I've never said one bad word about you nor will I. You changed my life and I can't thank you enough. I know our sitch is difficult but I want you to know I still care deeply about you and would love the chance to work on this together.
W: I appreciate your words buys its over. There is nothing that can be done to undo the damage. Please sign the papers where you won't get served I don't want it to be embarrassing. -(I appreciate her for that. Even tho she has threaten to have me served a couple if times if I didn't sign. At least she hasn't followed thru on that.)
Me: I guess I just don't understand what damage can't be undone.
W: I'm not having a conversation with you I just wanted to know if you paid the bills you were late on for some reason.

I am not sure I have ever been giving a reason for all this. Other than for her to say sorry just can't fix everything and too much has been done. What have I done? That's all I would like to know. What has been done that is so bad that can't be overcome or fixed? No affair, no addictions, no money issues. One time l lost control and reacted negatively at a bar. But to say nothing can be done to undo the damage is hard me to understand.

Convo continued.
Me: I hate that you are feeling this way and going thru all these emotions, I wouldn't wish them upon anyone. I know you feel like you have to do this for
Yourself but just know we can have a bigger and better relationship than ever before. Open your heart and let your guard down, lobe and feelings return. Peo,e survive affairs and addictions and come back better than ever, we can do the same.
W: please go sign. I don't want you to be served and pay the bills on time. That's all I ask.
Me: I'm going to sign them, I don't want any resentment to build up or make things worse for you. This is happening so fast and emotions are making all of our decisions. Both of us need to take a step back and accept responsibility for our own actions and realize are life together and individual lives aren't as bad as we are making it out to be. We had a lot going for us, we don't need to cut each other off that's not healthy for either of us. We just need to maintain hope and faith in each other and remember the good times not the bad times of 2 months. Our friendship needs repairing first before anything else. Keep the faith and I know I'm here as your backbone for support. Lets be a success story. In time, lets be a new, loving team.
W: I've not made my life to be bad at all. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Hopefully you will get to that point too. I'll talk to you later.

The last text by my W has to be typical WAW speak,is it not?

I know I broke some DBing rules, but I tried to validate her feelings for maybe the first time since this all began.

Any vets out there. Any input/advice/suggestions/scolding/questions/thoughts?

Thanks again to everyone.

[Duds3]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ anyone? Thank you

[tbm4evr]

I'm not a vet, you and i registered here essentially on the same day, we are in similar shoes. W asked me to move into the guest room 1/5/14 and W filed for D on 2/5/14. I signed the papers so she didn't have to serve me and I continue to pay the bills. As all assets and debt will be split 50-50 so I figure it isn't worth the fight. Your text do go against DB because a lot of pursuing talk. I haven't been doing that. The last text may be WAW talk or it may not. I would focus on you ...if you change to where she thinks life will be better with you than without you, she will come back. I got back into some old hobbies and started some new ones. Got new clothes, glasses and haircut - doing the 180. I recognized that i had some unhealthy behavioral issues - control, neediness, etc and joined a support group. I don't bring up any discussion about our relationship with my W. I let her do all the talking these days and validate, empathize and respond to her questions only when asked. We do have minor children so where I reside I still have 5 months before D is final. Patience and time is your friend. If you change and your W likes what she sees in you, maybe she'll agree to put the D on hold to work on the relationship. Keep a PMA. Best if luck to you.

[Duds3]

tbm4evr,
thanks for the reply. it was random that she text me about the bills. We have pretty much been NC for the last 3-4 weeks. I sense that she told me she would talk to me later to just end the conversation.

IMO she is acting like she never got to experience her "college years." She is a very free spirited person, which is a major reason why I fell in love with her, but it boggles my mind how she felt trapped with in our M. The second potential issue I see going forward is she is really bull-headed and for her to retract her words or her actions she would have egg on her face and would essentially be admitting her mistake. I am not sure if she will ever do that. Even though there is not person that is not pulling for us to make this work and be better than ever!

She says she never said her life was bad, then why did she leave the M? I always said we would have a real issue if she came to me within the first 3 months of M, when we going good, and said I don't want this anymore; that never happened. Its easy to say you quit when things are bad. I just hope and pray she does not give up faith in us.

I am really going thru a hard time right now. I experience every emotion possible to say the least.

[unbidden]

Duds, I know it's hard but you need to change your focus. You have to stop the R talks, they only serve one purpose at this point -- to let her convince herself yet again that she wants to leave. In a jury trial, there's a saying that whatever a jury hears three separate times becomes fact. That is what you are setting up here. Getting her to repeat and rethink her desire to leave just makes it that much stronger in her mind, it becomes a living truth. Stop it. Be friendly and cordial and stop all R talks. Take it day by day of you need to but back up off of her and give her some space. Things are likely to get better for both of you if you do.