melissa

[Mic]

Good luck. I feel your pain.

[melissag]

Thanks, guys. I seem to be able to roll my eyes and not TIP when my H rants about things (yes, I will come here and bitch about them bc I am so horrified and shocked at what an ass my H has become or always was, whichever it is).

But when it affects me somehow, other than emotionally, then it gets much harder and I get very frustrated. Like the whole H suddenly demanding 50/50 custody thing. I can't just roll me eyes at that. It affects my life and my kids' lives.

I also get extremely frustrated when I need to be able to communicate with my H. I have given up on any kind of communication re: our R, my feelings, or the legal stuff. When he tries, I more or less ignore him because I know it's futile and I have learned not to get roped into a convo with him.

But when we do need to communicate . . . I find myself very frustrated, because I feel like attempting to communicate with him is, at best, a waste of my time. Then I get overwhelmed thinking about how it is going to be this way for the rest of my f-ing life, and there is no getting away from him ever.

KG . . . I feel that maybe I need to post more often about things other than venting about my H. Then you would see that I actually do have plenty of openness and I do look for common ground all the time. The things I post about on here are the difficult ones that I need help with.

[3boymom]

(((((M)))))

But when we do need to communicate . . . I find myself very frustrated, because I feel like attempting to communicate with him is, at best, a waste of my time. Then I get overwhelmed thinking about how it is going to be this way for the rest of my f-ing life, and there is no getting away from him ever.

It does not have to be this way for the rest of your life, if YOU want to change it. You just need to change the dynamic. And it is possible even if you don't think so right now. I promise. Your H and my H are very similar. When I read about your H, its feels like I am reading about mine to a T! My H got so verbally abusive and manipulative that I could not take it anymore. I refused to engage. I stopped trying to defend myself because it got me no where. It looks months, but our dynamic is much different now. My H finally realized that his manipulative tactics will no longer work. I can actually call him out on it now and he will stop (I have even gotten an apology or two).

Try not to view it as you giving in to your H. You are currently the only rational person in this sitch. Come on here and vent about your H to get it all out because you deserve to be angry and hurt by his current actions. I would be worried about you if you were not.

But then ask yourself if the issue is worth dying on a hill for? If it is, then stick to your guns. If not, then try and find a middle ground.

But when it affects me somehow, other than emotionally, then it gets much harder and I get very frustrated. Like the whole H suddenly demanding 50/50 custody thing. I can't just roll me eyes at that. It affects my life and my kids' lives.

This is the big stuff that I would focus on now with your H. The next couple months are going to be tough because you are going to have a lot to discuss. I know that your H mentioned pulling them out of their current school, right? You are also going to have to discuss custody.

It appears like your H is trying to use 50/50 custody as leverage at the moment (this sounds familiar). Based upon his job and his current "single life," it may be difficult for him to pull it off without changing one of those situations. He only changed his tune about 50/50 custody in response to your filing. Also, he has done nothing to date to change your current situation with the kids. He is not asking for 50/50 custody right now. He likes the current set up that you have because it gives him free time to live his single life. Actions speak louder than words.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Melissa,

I agree with 3Boyz. Actions speak louder than words. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are having a difficult time with your h. They are a crazy bunch.

[Brian in Hville]

Melissa,

First, with your child going on the field trip, your h gave you his reasons (which are valid) as to why he feels she should go. You disagree, which is also perfectly acceptable. My thoughts are, though his reasons do have some validity, he is still just trying to be controlling (and using the kids as pawns). I look at you as the primary parent so what you want goes.

As far as your communication with your h...Here is where I wish I could give some of you going through divorces a glimpse of the future. Worrying about how you communicate during your divorce will not generally effect how you communicate AFTER the divorce is over. Right now, feelings and emotions are driving a lot of what is said, how something is perceived, or attitudes toward the spouse. After the divorce is over, and feelings go away/calm down, the communication does get easier (and better). My advice to you is to not worry about trying to say something the perfect way. It is stressing you out too much. Just tell him what you want and/or your decision on the matter and move on. If he emails you nasty emails, delete them (or save them for your lawyer). If he tries to call you about it, don't answer or just hang up if he gets riled up. I have a friend who is going through this right now and she is just so stressed out because she worries about him emailing her or texting her mean things. She feels she should just go along with what he wants so it doesn't happen. You have the power until you give it up.

My response to his email about the field trip would be this...

"I've read and thought about your views about sending D9 on the field trip. Though I disagree, I appreciate you explaining it to me. I am going to let her skip this field trip."

Don't stress out about his reply because you already know it's going to come. Just ignore it or save it for the lawyer.

As far as custody goes, of course that is a big deal. That is something you fight like mad. The only reason he wants it (or is saying he wants it) is because it is another way to try to control you. Do you really think that is what he wants? No! He is just using your kids as pawns again.

Brian

[melissag]

Thanks, Brian and 3b. I can't write now because I need to head off to the airport, but wanted to say I appreciate your posts, think they make a lot of sense, and they give me a lot to think about.

[Wonka]

M,

Regarding your H's latest text about lawyers and custody arrangements, you'd better have a firm line here and be consistent. I'd say, "H, please have your lawyer communicate with mine on this matter. Thanks. M"

As for the camping trip, how about this:

"H, it is apparent that we have divergent views of the camping trip for D. D can go away on the trip on one condition: you drive D. I need to stay here and focus on S."

Swat the tennis ball right back at H's side of the court HARD and let him figure this one out since he jumped ship. This is what a divorce will look like to him. Instead of eating cotton candy, he'll be trying to eat some JawBreakers!

Enjoy your trip!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Wonka has a good idea and I've wondered for a bit now, why he has not volunteered to drive himself...

anyhow, I'm not one to say "insist" or "Stand firm" on this. I just don't agree that this is worth it, b/c when it comes to "my child's welfare" I don't weigh a one day field trip the same as her medical care or school choice...but that's me.

I DO believe his statement about 50/50 should be taken at face value or you're just mind reading too much.

But think about it. Think his threat/promise out...

There are only 2 ways that would work. 1) he realizes that child care costs and the hassle factor of having them that much, wakes him up to the reality that YOU will need to have them more than he does;

OR

2) he really steps up to the plate and becomes a better, more loving and selfless present, father...I mean, geez, would that be so terrible?

So don't worry about that NOW...okay? Take it one hour/day/week at a time. And keep on referring to the lawyers for the legal questions.

Your h is a decent lawyer, judging by how he writes to YOU...so don't engage with him on such emotional issues, b/c then it's a contest and not a cooperation. And if it's a legal issue, it's not for you two to work out at this point.

(KeepGoing is an amazing woman. Always take in what she says, & know it comes from a brilliant mind and a huge heart...I often ask her for advice for those reasons).

Hang in there, b/c this too, shall pass.

[Mic]

Hi Melissa
I was going to say. It sounds like when he is writing to you that he is writing arguments to opposing council. Can you think of him that way. I have heard (I could be wrong) that men go after their wives in a negative fashion when it relates to the the kids because they know that is our weak point. (As it should be) We need to go after them financially. (That is their weak point)
I know when I used to argue with my H it was almost impossible because as a L and former military guy he just would not give in. Surprisingly when I called his bluff and filed divorce papers first and had him served at his political public office - He told me later he thought - Oh sh&t this isn't going to be easy. It's going to be like Kramer vs. Kramer.
Stand firm. Fight back. If/when he comes back it will because you have changed - If he sees you as weak - I think lawyers always think they are smarter than everyone else - (no offense to you Melissa - how about male lawyers:)
Good luck. Call his bluff. Direct all legal contact through your attorneys.

[mustardseed]

I agree that his response about the FT was manipulative and he was trying to corner you. That makes me angry so I completely understand your anger. However, just because he says "if you don't do as I say then you must have been lying when you said you changed" comments you don't have to take the bait. You know the truth. You know that you have changed--not for his sake but for yours--so who cares what he thinks. That shows his weak character that he has to stoop to those strawman tactics to make his point, makes me think he is full of BS and probably only feels strongly about this situation because you do.

You know the truth. You have real convictions about why you don't think this is a good idea and you don't have to stoop to those tactics to make your point. You are the custodial parent and have the authority to make the final decision.

However, if he had left out that part and simply said, "I think it is important for her to go on this trip because if we let her miss every opportunity that might be uncomfortable we might be discouraging her from ever taking any chances" (which seems to be the gist of his point). Would you be more apt to consider his pov? What, if anything, would make you feel ok about her going? If you leave at the game playing move he pulled at the end, would you have been willing to consider his side at all and come up with a compromise? If so then you need to think along those lines.

Would you feel better about him driving her up there? (Taking your anger at him out of the equation). If so then I say tell him that condition. And be prepared for if he surprises you and actually take you up on that. Don't offer that as a way to feed his ego but as a compromise you would have been willing to consider if he didn't turn it into a power struggle. If there is no compromise you would feel comfortable with, then maybe it shouldn't have been up for discussion at all. You made a decision and that is the end of it. But I don't really know how that works in these situations.

I have seen, in my experience, many father's suddenly pretend to have strong convictions about things they never cared about just for the sake of controlling the ex. If he had stated his point and left it at that I might think he actually felt that way, but the way he wrapped it in that condescending passive-aggressive packaging makes me think it is more about the power struggle for him. Don't play that game. Don't engage. That is his demon to deal with, not yours.