Why are you not able to switch ? Honestly? Because my guess is that she is going out with her boyfriend and I didn't want to switch with her. Control I guess. Because it freaken hurts to know.
That ^^^^ is why that other schidt stung so much....
Controlling and manipulative are the better points too...
Would YOU want to be with a person that treated you that way ???
Why are you not able to switch ? Honestly? Because my guess is that she is going out with her boyfriend and I didn't want to switch with her. Control I guess. Because it freaken hurts to know.
That ^^^^ is why that other schidt stung so much....
Controlling and manipulative are the better points too...
Would YOU want to be with a person that treated you that way ???
NO I wouldn't. Not at all.
Trust me, I've been thinking about it all day. I almost even called her to ask what she had in mind for a switch, but I feel its too late and would come across as weak.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Why are you not able to switch ? Honestly? Because my guess is that she is going out with her boyfriend and I didn't want to switch with her. Control I guess. Because it freaken hurts to know.
That ^^^^ is why that other schidt stung so much....
Controlling and manipulative are the better points too...
Would YOU want to be with a person that treated you that way ???
NO I wouldn't. Not at all.
Trust me, I've been thinking about it all day. I almost even called her to ask what she had in mind for a switch, but I feel its too late and would come across as weak.
No...
Quick and easy....bullet points...
Wife,
I was thinking more and looking at my schedule, and I am able to be flexible for the week of Spring Break.
Please let me know what works for you, and I will accommodate as best as I can.
Sorry for the confusion
One Day
Don't worry about what SHE thinks of you....
I would worry more about what you think of yourself...
I would like to be honest with her and tell her its hard to take, knowing your involved with OM. I know I shouldn't do this, but every part of me is telling me to be honest with her and tell her how I feel. (I Know, I Know, she doesn't care about my feelings)
This ^^^^^^ was another one of my faults. I was dishonest with her alot, and she knows it too.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
I would like to be honest with her and tell her its hard to take, knowing your involved with OM. I know I shouldn't do this, but every part of me is telling me to be honest with her and tell her how I feel. (I Know, I Know, she doesn't care about my feelings)
This ^^^^^^ was another one of my faults. I was dishonest with her alot, and she knows it too.
You know....
Being honest WITH her has nothing to do with her...
That is all from within yourself...
And when you want to send something like that, go out and find something to do, something different than you ever have...
Follow the 37 rules of detachment when you want to do more of the same ole. same ole...
What is one thing, that you have always wanted to do, yet never found the time for ???
Wife, I was thinking more and looking at my schedule, and I am able to be flexible for the week of Spring Break. Please let me know what works for you, and I will accommodate as best as I can.
Sorry for the confusion One Day
I sooooooo do not want to do that ^^^^^^^. Is this the part where the LBS has to do the bulk of the work? Do I text, do I call? Arararararhhahagha. I have so many issues to deal with. The FEAR is taking control.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Don't worry about what SHE thinks of you.... I would worry more about what you think of yourself... That's all that matters for now....
I know, but Im still feel like Im being an A$$ to her sometimes. Im trying hard not to be and A$$, but I still feel I am. I feel like im being walked on, like I have to defend myself, my feeling.
Honestly, If I didn't know there was OM I would have been happy to switch with her. Just knowing makes it extremely difficult. And I know I have no control over the situation. I guess its my Pride.
Am I alone here? Does anyone else say something, then a few hours or days later realize you shouldn't have said something or come across a certain way? How does one change that?
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Wife, I was thinking more and looking at my schedule, and I am able to be flexible for the week of Spring Break. Please let me know what works for you, and I will accommodate as best as I can.
Sorry for the confusion One Day
I sooooooo do not want to do that ^^^^^^^. Is this the part where the LBS has to do the bulk of the work? Do I text, do I call? Arararararhhahagha. I have so many issues to deal with. The FEAR is taking control.
Stop....
Slow the F down and do what is right....
Did you make a decision based out of fear ??
Was it the right decision ???
And even if she is going out with some D-bag from the 7-11 down the street...
That is more time for you to be with your children....
See my point ???
Originally Posted By: 1day
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Don't worry about what SHE thinks of you.... I would worry more about what you think of yourself... That's all that matters for now....
I know, but Im still feel like Im being an A$$ to her sometimes. Im trying hard not to be and A$$, but I still feel I am. I feel like im being walked on, like I have to defend myself, my feeling.
Honestly, If I didn't know there was OM I would have been happy to switch with her. Just knowing makes it extremely difficult. And I know I have no control over the situation. I guess its my Pride.
Am I alone here? Does anyone else say something, then a few hours or days later realize you shouldn't have said something or come across a certain way? How does one change that?
If you feel like you are being an Asshat, then you probably are...
And if you don't like being an Asshat ???
Then find out why, and change it....
Google "controlling behaviors" and see if anything stings a bit for you....
Why are you not able to switch ? Honestly? Because my guess is that she is going out with her boyfriend and I didn't want to switch with her. Control I guess. Because it freaken hurts to know.
Ouch. I applaud you for being honest....because I know that stings. But is that what is best for your children? Put them first.
The disagreement regarding spring break, you made a problem there where there was none. This has nothing to do with your feelings...it's about sharing time with your children.
Originally Posted By: OneDay
I know, but Im still feel like Im being an A$$ to her sometimes. Im trying hard not to be and A$$, but I still feel I am.
Well, see above....you definitely are. But that doesn't mean you have to continue to do so.
Originally Posted By: OneDay
Honestly, If I didn't know there was OM I would have been happy to switch with her. Just knowing makes it extremely difficult. And I know I have no control over the situation. I guess its my Pride.
Yep...the control is hard to give up. But let's get this straight right now. You CANNOT CONTROL YOUR W. If she wants to go out with a different guy every night, she will find a way. And no matter what you think of it, it WILL NOT CHANGE IT. You try to be the limiting factor for her....she'll just resent you, hate you even....and still, she'll find a way.
You need to get to a place where you can let her go....let her make her own decisions, and focus on you and your kids. Really....put your kids first buddy. Do not use them as a tool.
I deal with this all the time and personally, I'd rather have my kids with me than sitting home alone while XW runs with OM. She's going to do what she's going to do....I don't like it, and I don't agree with it, but they aren't my choices and I don't have to live with them. The choice to be available or unavailable for my children....that, I do have to live with.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Google "controlling behaviors" and see if anything stings a bit for you....
I did that a long time back....I think I may have cried that day. Very difficult to see that part of myself, yet, it helped me with some serious growth. I highly recommend.
Well I texted WAW about being flexible with the time sharing schedule^^^^ and she replied back with "thanks for sharing that" I guess I'll wait for her to suggest another option.
On a side note I google controlling behaviors...........to say the least it was SCARY!
How/Why are so many of us this way. Can IC counselors help with this? Are they any books or podcasts that could help me?
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Glad you texted with offer to take your kids. I was going to call you out on your reasoning but the guys beat me to it. As Mach and BD already stated you can't do anything about what she's doing. All you can and need to control is you right now and your priorities have to be your kids and figuring your stuff out. From personal experience (at your stage and even now) I decided to take my kids any chance I can no matter what my XW was doing and guess what, I've never regretted that decision a single time.
Originally Posted By: OneDay
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Don't worry about what SHE thinks of you.... I would worry more about what you think of yourself... That's all that matters for now....
I know, but Im still feel like Im being an A$$ to her sometimes. Im trying hard not to be and A$$, but I still feel I am. I feel like im being walked on, like I have to defend myself, my feeling.
I agree with Mach that you need to worry about how you see yourself. That's the main opinion that counts right now. I'd also add that you need to think about how your kids see you through this. They need to see a strong, caring, understanding, fatherly figure through this.
Other thing I wanted to ask about is why you feel you need to defend yourself? What do you mean? What will defending yourself get you with your W? Are you trying to convince her you aren't wrong (won't happen in her eyes at this point), are you trying to convince yourself? If hell freezes over and she totally agrees with your defense then what? Will you feel better about how you've acted? If you act the way you want to at all times then there is no need to defend yourself because you will know you did the best you can and that's all you can ask of yourself.
Originally Posted By: OneDay
Am I alone here? Does anyone else say something, then a few hours or days later realize you shouldn't have said something or come across a certain way? How does one change that?
I used to do this all the time and I'd be lying if I said I occasionally don't feel this way still. Thing is it doesn't happen very often now that I figured out who I wanted to really be and I live it. It's a long process but if you stick to it you will change into a person that naturally acts how you want to act. More understanding, more caring, you'll learn how to talk compassionately and more importantly you'll learn to really listen, etc... Until then, my advice is to just STFU as many vets used to tell me. If you must talk for some reason don't let your emotions or ego get involved. Listen, then walk away. If you feel the need to tell your side or 'defend yourself' stop talking and exit the conversation in a polite manner. Nothing you say in that moment will make a bit of difference and will usually make things worse as you're finding out with almost every interaction you've had lately.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
