Read up there, and tell me how many times that you used the word "we" when you spoke about what YOU wanted... I said it alot, but I dont see how thats what "I" want. This is about us, the boys, what will work best for both of us.
Why are you looking for YOUR answers from her ??? I didnt think I was. Im just trying to get a plan in place. What the heck am I suppose to do, just let the chips fall where they may?
It also sounds as if a 180 would be becoming more organized and structured ... Thats what I was trying to do last night. Trying to come up with a plan.
To me, it seems as though you are being exactly the person that she needs you to be, to justify what she is doing... I bet your right, and I dont even realize Im doing it. What am I suppose to do here. If what your saying is true, Im defiantly not getting this
YOU didn't feel as though you were threatening... Just like above, it's not about whether or not it's true, it is how she feels.... I know and I hate it.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Why are you looking for YOUR answers from her ??? I didnt think I was. Im just trying to get a plan in place. What the heck am I suppose to do, just let the chips fall where they may?
Not at all...
This has to be YOUR plan for parenting.
Most dudes here would give their left nut to KNOW that they are gonna get 50/50 without a huge fight on their hands.
Read Scorp's thread the past couple days...
What I am saying is....
That YOU have to have YOUR plan in place FIRST.
And there is no more "we" or "us" when it comes to YOUR custody. Are you gonna call her for every decision that you have to make regarding them ???
Hey, can you come over here and tell me if their food is too hot ?
That ^^^, ain't gonna work anymore....
It is all about YOU, and what YOU need to do to provide for them on YOUR time with them....
Get your basic time worked out with her (which it appears that you have if Fri-Fri is intact), and the rest is up to you buddy...
Listen to Mach. You need to be a leader for you. I understand it is difficult if you have not done it before or it was not part of your life when it was "we". It's you now.
Lead for your kids, lead for yourself. That is how you your new life starts. Is it easy? no way, it is necessary thought to make that next step. The step that will allow you to be ok with whatever the outcome is.
I've been where you are. not anymore. I parent by myself(there is no co-parenting). My children know that, accept that, respect that and know that I'm ok and they can come to me with anything. This process takes a while but be kind to yourself.
Great post Mach. Good to see you here in the trenches showing people there is a way through this mess to a better life for themselves and then in turn to those around them.
Not much more to add other than reaffirm what senor Mach said..
This needs to be YOUR schedule.
From a court perspective, they are going to want to know what the schedule is FOR EVERY holiday and vacation day. So I do need to figure that out OR you can explain to your ex what YOU can support. Lemme give you some examples:
You can request that the court allow for a "flexiable" parenting plan with a default schedule. The default can look like this.
Wed from 3pm to Friday at 3PM week one.
Wed from 3pm to Monday at 3PM week two.
As it relates to school vacations and holidays, the above default will be used unless both parties agreed otherwise.
In the above you are stating what YOU want and also, allowing for some flexiablity.
That said, what Mach pointed out is sooo true. Stop thinking like you are doing this togehter. Your not. Assuming a 50/50 parenting plan is not easy. YOU will need to figure out what you can support. You can no longer EXPECT your W to figure it out for you.
Google parallel parenting - it may help.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Well that didn't go well last night. I wrote up a parenting arrangement which included a modified plan for the next 2 weeks (to include half a week over spring break), then switching to a Friday to Friday plan after that. WAW was not happy with it. She ended up getting very defensive, and I have to admit, I did not compose myself very well either. Uggghha
She indicated this plan is working in my favor (as usual) and she will have the kids more weekend days than me. Which was true, so we slightly revised the plan which now consists of me having 4 weekend days with the boys and her having 5. Even with this, she still was still pi$$ed.
Come to find out she had plans the last day of spring break and wanted to have that day free so she could go out on the boat with some "friends". She even asked If I would be willing to switch that day with her, but I said I was not able to.
She then started giving me a guilt trip about my behavior, how I will never change, How I will never understand the pain I have caused her and the boys, How its always about you, and always will be.
When she was saying those things it HURT, It HURT really bad and still does.
So today, Im feeling like cr@p. I know I made my fair share of mistake in our marriage. I know I put myself before others alot of the time. I know I would act like a Di#k and not care about her feelings. Its hard to keep hearing and it hurts deep down.
This road is hard, I don't know if I've even begun to change. "MY" ways are so deeply root within me and they are very, very difficult to change.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Well that didn't go well last night. I wrote up a parenting arrangement which included a modified plan for the next 2 weeks (to include half a week over spring break), then switching to a Friday to Friday plan after that. WAW was not happy with it. She ended up getting very defensive, and I have to admit, I did not compose myself very well either. Uggghha
It's because you are reacting on an emotional level with her, and she is dealing from a detached level with you. This dynamic will change with time and a lot of self awareness from you.
She is pushing away, and you are still wanting to pull her back...
She is trying to control, you are full of guilt, and she plays you like a $10 guitar...
Like I said yesterday...
Know YOUR plan Know YOUR faults Validate your wrongs
ANY changes that she sees, she is gonna try to break those over your head (and she is doing a damn fine job so far)
Originally Posted By: OneDay
She indicated this plan is working in my favor (as usual) and she will have the kids more weekend days than me. Which was true, so we slightly revised the plan which now consists of me having 4 weekend days with the boys and her having 5. Even with this, she still was still pi$$ed.
Lay this out for me to see. I'm not sure what you are saying about the 4 weekend days (cause my job doesn't recognize that one) , and the other five days.
When the hell did they expand a week to 9 days ?
: )
Originally Posted By: OneDay
Come to find out she had plans the last day of spring break and wanted to have that day free so she could go out on the boat with some "friends". She even asked If I would be willing to switch that day with her, but I said I was not able to.
Why are you not able to switch ?
Originally Posted By: OneDay
She then started giving me a guilt trip about my behavior, how I will never change, How I will never understand the pain I have caused her and the boys, How its always about you, and always will be.
When she was saying those things it HURT, It HURT really bad and still does.
Things that "sting", or hurt...
Those things have some truth behind them. And it's not that SHE doesn't like those things...
It is that YOU do not like those things within yourself....
Take a hard long look at those, and see how you could have behaved better, or done things differently in those situations..
Then ask yourself WHY did I act that way
Originally Posted By: OneDay
So today, Im feeling like cr@p. I know I made my fair share of mistake in our marriage. I know I put myself before others alot of the time. I know I would act like a Di#k and not care about her feelings. Its hard to keep hearing and it hurts deep down.
Feeling like crap today, probably feels different than feeling like crap did a few weeks ago...
Before, you felt that way because you thought that she was doing things to intentionally hurt you...
Today you feel like crap because you know that you could have done a whole lot better in those situations....
That is where your inner growth will happen.
THAT is the part that you will eventually want to thank her for...
Originally Posted By: OneDay
This road is hard, I don't know if I've even begun to change. "MY" ways are so deeply root within me and they are very, very difficult to change.
Whether you think that you can, or you think that you cannot....you are correct
When she was telling you these things that hurt so much did you Validate and Empathize? Remember these are her feelings and you must allow her to have them without getting defensive back at her.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
When the hell did they expand a week to 9 days ? okay here goes, let me just give you the whole plan Me - Friday 3/14 and Sunday 3/16 thru Friday p.m. 3/21pm Her - Friday p.m. 3/21 thru Wednesday a.m. 3/26 Me - Wednesday p.m 3/26 thru Sunday a.m. 3/30 Her - Sunday a.m. 3/30 thru Friday p.m. 4/4 My first full week starts Friday 4/4 and alternate from her on out.
Originally Posted By: OneDay
Come to find out she had plans the last day of spring break and wanted to have that day free so she could go out on the boat with some "friends". She even asked If I would be willing to switch that day with her, but I said I was not able to.
Why are you not able to switch ? Honestly? Because my guess is that she is going out with her boyfriend and I didn't want to switch with her. Control I guess. Because it freaken hurts to know.
Then ask yourself WHY did I act that way after she was done, I did just that. I keep asking myself why I continue to act this way.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
One day, When she was telling you these things that hurt so much did you Validate and Empathize? Remember these are her feelings and you must allow her to have them without getting defensive back at her.
I did, very much so. I did not get defensive over these things. They were true.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
