melissa

[keep_going]

Melissa,

Nobody said any of this is easy and we are all here trying to help you.

You ask for people's opinion, to bring the 2 x4s, but when they come, you immediately start arguing with the poster and trying to explain why you are right. If you go back on your threads, you will see this pattern and others point this out to you as well.

Why did my post get you so riled up? (fyi - this is not a question for you to answer on the boards. In fact, I'd ask that you don't. It's a question for you to ponder on your own). You may have heard (and it's true) that when something said to us stings, there usually is something behind it that we can work on to improve ourselves. What would that be for you?

I don't want to rehash the field trip issue - you've gotten plenty of opinions, but I think you are misunderstanding people's suggestions (or at least mine).

Nobody is asking you to give in and agree with your H, but to at least TRY TO FIND SOME COMMON GROUND. Forget what he expects you to say or how he wants you to answer or if he has "cornered" you to answer in a certain way. Nobody can corner you - you are your own person and can respond to anything, any stimuli any way YOU want. It's called free will.

What I see in your posts is that you view everything he says through a negative lens and there is no room to find common ground BECAUSE THERE IS NO GOOD WILL, NO EMPATHY, NO OPENNESS ON YOUR END. This had nothing to do with him and everything to do with you and YOUR approach to the situation. That is the anger I am talking about. It's not enough to feel anger and not show it in front of your H if that anger is still affecting you and clouding your thinking. And my humble opinion is that it does...

How so?

You seem to believe that your H's email was so terrible and nasty, but can you see that perhaps there is another possibility than your interpretation of it? Yes, you know your H better, but there was AT LEAST one poster who actually thought his email was not only nasty and manipulative, but actually good. Sure, maybe your H has also manipulated those folks here, but perhaps, just perhaps, there is room for another possibility.

But you cannot see that because you are so wrapped up in your emotions about the D, negotiations, finances, field trip and everything (which is A LOT) to see anything beyond what is as you put it what *YOU* want for your D re. this field trip.

Where I see you stuck, is that that usually you vent about all the negatives on your H's behavior, texts, emails, etc. Your whole focus is STILL on HIM, and that keeps you trapped in pointing out all the negatives. What are you gaining from all of it? What does it do to your state of mind, your psyche and your soul? (again, a question for you and not for the boards...)

You have this field trip issue that needs a resolution soon. How are you going to resolve it if you, who supposedly is the even-keeled one in all of this, remain angry (or frustrated) about his words, emails and actions? Like 3boys said, if YOU don't change the dynamic, who will?

And your goal is not to CHANGE the dynamic to be right, or to teach H a lesson, or whatever.

You want to do it a)FOR YOU - because you deserve to live in peace and not in a negative head space
b) AND FOR YOUR KIDS - who deserve parents that can put aside their issues, anger and fears and can find common ground on at least an issue of a field trip.

Sorry if I am coming on with strong 2x4's. I got a lot of my own when I was in a place like you are today. And I also kicked and screamed and resisted, until it didn't really serve any purpose for me and I decided to change things.

I read your posts, and I see a lot of myself in you - I was there and it's hard... very hard.

I wish you peace and hope that our words here can help you get there faster. You know you have our support.

((((melissa)))))