Reaching out for support and advice 4

[ye21]

Well you are really hating him, its one of the stages....
The same way that you have expectations, they dont happen the way you want them so he is a monster.... So far I dont see how he is a monster but I see that you are hurt, he seem to be moving on because he is accepting the situation and you are not and for as long as you dont accept that this is the way he is now, you are not gonna be able to move on and accept yourself and do things for you...
Basically all the time he is around you are looking at his actions and judging him, is he beating you? Is he setting the house on fire? No right? Well then its not a physical threat for you...emotionally maybe but you and only you can choose how this affects you.
When the romans had circus they got slaves and their choice was to throw them to the lions, what do the slaves could do? Be panic or fight and survive and gain one day of life, you know which one was their mantra? ONE DAY AT A TIME because they had no idea about tomorrow....
You are not in the same situation, you have choices, you can set yourself in a rage status or do the opposite, set yourself free, live without fear. He doesnt want to live with you now, ok just accept that, and move on, seat down and write down here what boundaries you will like to set to protect yourself from getting hurt emotionally.
For example I will go out in a sunny day, run or bike or do a strong exercise and liberate endorphins, then sit down in a coffee place and write down the boundaries I believe will be good for me and for the kids, why I tell you to go for a run first? Because if you liberate endorphins you will be able to think in a less emotional state and a more calm way.
Now a few examples of boundaries:
Dont talk about past R, dont pursuit and if you dont feel like seating at the same table just dont... Again you need to really seat down and analize if you will choose this in a rational way or a fear way, a rational way will be, I dont mind you seat at the table because besides that we are not together you are responsable enough to accept your responsability as a father and you are taking care of not hurting the kids, a fear way will ask him not to seat on the table because that hurts your feelings, even if your kids are not guilty of your problems with him they will suffer with this decission, can they recover from this pain? Yes they can, is it necessary for them this pain? Maybe it is maybe not, thats your call but again dont take decissions just yet, its only been a month since he moved out so you are still very emotional and uncapable of thinking very rationally.

My advice if I am allowed to give you one it will be, accept your H as he is right now, dont judge him and dont try to change him, let him do whatever he wants but set boundaries, if you accept him and all he is doing without judging him you are giving yourself the best gift possible...freedom and hapiness, its not gonna come in a week but certainly it will ending coming, and you know what? If you dont accept his actions and you try to change him and control what he does and manipulate him....one day you will look back and you will say to yourself: Damm I push him out of the house because when I took the vows I didnt read the real meaning which is: for good or bad... Now you are leaving the bad, accept it or ask him for D because by pushing him to come back with you what you are really telling him is:
I dont love you unconditionally, I love you only when you are with me and you do things the way I WAS TEACHED THEY ARE RIGHT...
He can leave you now totally and tell you in a year or so, I left you because you forced me to stay with you, u didnt underestand what I needed at that point...
But if you accept him, he will think: hmmm she is not like the other women around me, she doesnt complain or whine about what I am doing, she accepts me how I am,.... If you were him which one of the 2 situations will you choose??