melissa

[bluesgal]

Totally agree with 3, 25, and K_G

M-this svcks! Before the BD you would have likely handled this how you wanted to without any hassle...but now life is different. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Things shouldn't have to be this difficult and it creates further fear by wondering how you will coparent with actual tough stuff like was previously mentioned. It makes me want to shake your H. Why can't he see who he's really hurting?!

[melissag]

and this ^^^^

is where you are put to the test, where being the best person you can be will be defined.

Stop focusing on what he says, and how and why.

If you cannot resolve an issue of a field trip, what will you do when you guys have to discuss new schools, drugs, bad influences, alcohol, grades, partying, curfews...

Pointing the finger and finding all the negatives will keep you from finding ANY common ground to co-parent effectively.

Focus on getting rid of the anger which is clouding you at the moment. You've been absorbed in it for a while now and it's keeping you stuck.

You and your kids deserve better.

Huh???

My reluctance to send my D9 on this field trip has nothing to do with my H or my anger toward him.

I want to do what *I* feel is best for my kid!!!

Yet, to me, it sounds like to be "the best person I can be" means going against what I think is best for her, in order to agree with my H??

I'm totally confused.

I started off not wanting to send her on this field trip. I didn't send her last year. H didn't care. I asked him for his thoughts. I told him my thoughts. I have been NOTHING BUT cooperative with him.

Yes, I am very frustrated (angry, whatever you want to call it) with the way that he communicates. The manipulation, the insinuations, the accusations, etc.

One has nothing to do with the other. I am not allowing my anger or frustration to cloud my judgment AT ALL.

I am not digging my heels in to be stubborn!! I have said NOTHING. NOTHING to my H about all the things I disagree with. NOTHING. He comes to me to complain about something HE disagrees with, and I am supposed to - what? Do things his way so that I am a good person?

Sorry, I am feeling really frustrated and misunderstood right now. I feel like I am trying SO hard to ignore all the emotional BS my H spits at me and just stick to the topic at hand. I have done everything I can to make our co-parenting R very cooperative. I come here to vent about my frustration over the way he sets it up so that it's impossible to have rational communication, but shifts the blame to me . . . and I feel like some of you are telling me that I should just do what my H wants, or I *AM* the bad guy.

What am I missing here?

[melissag]

Unfortunately, you are going to be in the person who needs to stop this pattern. Because lets face it, your H is going to continue to bully you in this manner because it has worked in the past. As much as it is unfair, I think that for the moment you should ignore all the crap that he put into his email. Even if you point it out, it will get you no where.

Well, that I know for sure. I need to just continue to ignore any kind of manipulation, bullying, accusations, etc. Just stick with the facts. That is what I have been doing. So yeah, I won't get riled up (well, I do, but then I vent about it and reply without being riled up).

If you ignore the tone of the email, your H has some valid points that you may even agree with including the fact that you that you dont want to shelter your kids and you probably dont want to let them quit just because they dont want to do something.

Well, I don't agree with the sheltering argument at all, no. I don't think that we do that to the extent that it harms them. And no, I don't want to let them quit just because they don't want to do something. But that has nothing to do with this conversation. I never said that my D9 not wanting to go has anything at all to do with it. I clearly told my H my concerns, and none of them related to my D9's feelings about the trip.

With respect to the field trip, what is the main reason that your D does not want to go (not your reasons or your H's reason). Does she not want to go because of the car ride and getting sick? Or did she mention other reasons? Maybe go back to her and ask her to tell you again exactly why she does not want to go.

I don't think this really matters. *I'm* the one who doesn't want her to go.
(She also doesn't want to go, but that's not what is driving my thinking on this issue.)

So my H set it up so that if I say she doesn't want to go, then I am a terrible parent for sending her the message that she can ditch things she doesn't want to do (and I am ignoring the irony and hypocrisy there). If I say it's because *I* don't want her to go, then I am full of [censored] and haven't really changed anything about myself.

[hope456]

Melissa,

I'm frustrated with your H's message to you. He really did frame his argument in such a way that you either have to agree with him or prove to him that he's "right" about you. I don't have any great advice, but wanted to throw my support your way.

[melissag]

Thanks, hope.

There really are two issues here. One is, what to do about this field trip issue. I would like to be able to work it out with my H, but am at a a loss as to how to communicate with him about it.

The second is what a jerk he is being, but that's just me bitching.

I am beginning to feel like my H is a complete nut job. He sent me that email about the field trip this morning. This afternoon he emailed this to me: (after I told him last week that I would not be responding to any communication regarding divorce matters, bc that needed to go through the Ls.)

My lawyers need to know whether you are going to contest 50/50 parenting time so that they can order a parental responsibility evaluation if necessary. Are you willing to let tell me that or do I need to tell them to talk to your lawyer?

I don't know why he is so confused about this stuff, he obviously is not talking to his lawyer, or he is just not listening. He is confusing parenting time with legal custody. And there is nothing to "contest," since there is no default to 50/50. Finally, he knows not to talk to me about this stuff, so I'm not sure why he sent that, unless he is trying to rile me up, or let me know he's serious about his threats to go for 50/50, since I wasn't being "cooperative."

Then, just now, he emailed me some photos of the kids from the wedding he took them to in November. I guess just to be nice . . . .

I really enjoyed it better when my H was not contacting me at all. Of course, back then I was sad that he wasn't contacting me. Careful what you wish for, right??

[keep_going]

Melissa,

Nobody said any of this is easy and we are all here trying to help you.

You ask for people's opinion, to bring the 2 x4s, but when they come, you immediately start arguing with the poster and trying to explain why you are right. If you go back on your threads, you will see this pattern and others point this out to you as well.

Why did my post get you so riled up? (fyi - this is not a question for you to answer on the boards. In fact, I'd ask that you don't. It's a question for you to ponder on your own). You may have heard (and it's true) that when something said to us stings, there usually is something behind it that we can work on to improve ourselves. What would that be for you?

I don't want to rehash the field trip issue - you've gotten plenty of opinions, but I think you are misunderstanding people's suggestions (or at least mine).

Nobody is asking you to give in and agree with your H, but to at least TRY TO FIND SOME COMMON GROUND. Forget what he expects you to say or how he wants you to answer or if he has "cornered" you to answer in a certain way. Nobody can corner you - you are your own person and can respond to anything, any stimuli any way YOU want. It's called free will.

What I see in your posts is that you view everything he says through a negative lens and there is no room to find common ground BECAUSE THERE IS NO GOOD WILL, NO EMPATHY, NO OPENNESS ON YOUR END. This had nothing to do with him and everything to do with you and YOUR approach to the situation. That is the anger I am talking about. It's not enough to feel anger and not show it in front of your H if that anger is still affecting you and clouding your thinking. And my humble opinion is that it does...

How so?

You seem to believe that your H's email was so terrible and nasty, but can you see that perhaps there is another possibility than your interpretation of it? Yes, you know your H better, but there was AT LEAST one poster who actually thought his email was not only nasty and manipulative, but actually good. Sure, maybe your H has also manipulated those folks here, but perhaps, just perhaps, there is room for another possibility.

But you cannot see that because you are so wrapped up in your emotions about the D, negotiations, finances, field trip and everything (which is A LOT) to see anything beyond what is as you put it what *YOU* want for your D re. this field trip.

Where I see you stuck, is that that usually you vent about all the negatives on your H's behavior, texts, emails, etc. Your whole focus is STILL on HIM, and that keeps you trapped in pointing out all the negatives. What are you gaining from all of it? What does it do to your state of mind, your psyche and your soul? (again, a question for you and not for the boards...)

You have this field trip issue that needs a resolution soon. How are you going to resolve it if you, who supposedly is the even-keeled one in all of this, remain angry (or frustrated) about his words, emails and actions? Like 3boys said, if YOU don't change the dynamic, who will?

And your goal is not to CHANGE the dynamic to be right, or to teach H a lesson, or whatever.

You want to do it a)FOR YOU - because you deserve to live in peace and not in a negative head space
b) AND FOR YOUR KIDS - who deserve parents that can put aside their issues, anger and fears and can find common ground on at least an issue of a field trip.

Sorry if I am coming on with strong 2x4's. I got a lot of my own when I was in a place like you are today. And I also kicked and screamed and resisted, until it didn't really serve any purpose for me and I decided to change things.

I read your posts, and I see a lot of myself in you - I was there and it's hard... very hard.

I wish you peace and hope that our words here can help you get there faster. You know you have our support.

((((melissa)))))

[2ndTimeHurt]

"Nobody can corner you - you are your own person and can respond to anything, any stimuli any way YOU want. It's called free will."

There are those 2 words again;) free will...

It really s*cks to feel the crap we feel m. I feel for you.

I have my opinion on the field trip issue but it may rub you the wrong way. what you feel is best for your d is your right as a parent. But if you are open to another perspective I will say that your d will be ok either way. Your d is not more special than the next kid. I'm sure some other parents want to drive but they all can't drive. Some parents wouldn't even care who drives. Some people think 4 hours is nothing. Like I've said before, I had crazy car sickness and drove 18 hours straight as a kid. Many many times. Many times without my parents, but with a coach and sometines a random parent. I don't regret it one bit. But that's me and your d is entitled to feel what she feels. I'm just offering up different perspectives.

Anyway, I really hope this stuff works itself out for you. This crap is really crappy;(

[juliegayle]

Melissa. I have been reading aling with this field trip business for days. You have gotten so much input and things to think about. As it is 3 am I have nothing new to add just wanted to lend moral support. What started out as a simple decision has turned into an opportunity to set the tone for future coparenting efforts.

I am sorry this has become so difficult for you.

[melissag]

Thanks for all your help.

Yep, I am definitely angry with my H, and with damn good reason. Do I want to carry it around for the rest of my life? No. It's something I am working on. It's not as easy as "you have free will, just don't be angry!" At least, it's not for me.

[paul19510]

(((M))) I am feeling the ssme about my stbxw. We will get beyond this. Just keeping my feet moving. Jt seems to help. How about you? Does it help at least short term to be in motion?