Need help saving my family - part 4

[Barrybran]

Looking at things a little differently... How long would it take for you to get your affairs in order and move to where your wife is? I'm not saying "go for it", just throwing up a hypothetical.

Also, what do you WANT to do with the house? You keep saying what you're prepared to do but other than 50/50 with the kids you never say what you actually want.

[Mach1]

You file, I believe for full custody if I remember correctly.
She'll respond, likely for full custody for her.
Lawyers will set a court appearance.
Judge will order you to meditation.
Mediator will strongly urge you to compromise.
Mediator will AGAIN strongly urge you to compromise.
Only then will you go to trial.

You forgot about the doing nothing for months at a time, wasting his money emailing and acting as if they are helping you (billing $300 per email).

Waiting until you are in the courthouse (which they bill you for a $1200 day in court), and THEN having a sense of urgency (because the Judge will scold them for not doing more, then dumping it in his lap).

Scurrying around trying to strike a deal at the last minute (at $300 per hour), before finally heading in to the court room, and them asking for a continuance before the judge orders mediation.

Meanwhile, his kids are living 4 (?) hours from him for another 3 months of $300 emails, and doing nothing until the NEXT $1200 court date approaches.....

Meanwhile, you STILL don't have custody, or see them on any kind of regular schedule, because you are trying to be "reasonable" , and allowing for the opportunity of staus quo becoming the new reality for the courts to rule against you, because too much time has passed, and the kids are settled now...

And you STILL haven't addressed Marital property, or your Marital status....


Sound about right Drew ???

[Scorp7]

Mach1, I'm guessing that's the process in the States, I'm in Canada. I wish things were as straight forward here but they definitely are not. From what I've heard, things are much more defined in the process in the States. Here, a lot comes down to what the parents agree on. If they don't agree then yes there are is mediation but the outcome of the mediation is not binding at all. From there, if there still is no agreement then it does go to court and a judge decides on the fate of the kids lives, often in no more than 5 minutes.

The only reason I'm sending yet another email asking my wife to be reasonable is that she may see that if she's not the money she's hoping to get her hands on could be tied up for YEARS. I know of a friend that still is not finished with a divorce that's been going on for NINE YEARS! (they have fought over ever single tiny detail, very ugly) Anyway, I expect that my W won't listen to this email either but for my own piece of mind I feel I need to make the offer, one more time.

[Drew]

Bingo.

Every day he doesn't have his kids is another day she can hold up to the judge that he's not capable of handling a 50/50 arrangement. Tangible evidence not email requests.

Sorry, but things can get ugly. Better to protect now and compromise later.

[Barrybran]

It should be less of an offer and more of "what do you need from me to agree to 50/50 time with the kids?" If she tells you you get to work on what she wants. If she doesn't, you get to work with your lawyer. No point continuing down cheeseless tunnels.

[Scorp7]

Great suggestion Barrybran. I think I'll add this to the message "What do you need from me for you to agree to sharing time and custody of our kids 50/50?".

[Mach1]

Mach1, I'm guessing that's the process in the States, I'm in Canada. I wish things were as straight forward here but they definitely are not. From what I've heard, things are much more defined in the process in the States. Here, a lot comes down to what the parents agree on. If they don't agree then yes there are is mediation but the outcome of the mediation is not binding at all. From there, if there still is no agreement then it does go to court and a judge decides on the fate of the kids lives, often in no more than 5 minutes.

And that may be true....

It's still an excuse....

Ya know, everything that has changed in this world, no matter where you are, has had to start somewhere.

People either accept status-quo, or they don't.

The catalyst has always been that ONE person that lobbies for change...

And while you may still not get what you want.. ???

I would rather go down swinging, and trying to find one way that I could, rather than a thousand excuses why I can't....

[Scorp7]

Not excuses. I am trying to find the best way through this situation where, whether my W and I are ever together again or even friends, my kids have both parents in their lives equally. The only way that may be possible is via a lawyer and a battle in court. BUT, there are other options and while I may have run out of time trying to explore those I need to be sure I've turned over every stone before I go down that route.

I already plan to stop asking my W's permission for things with the kids. I am TELLING her I am picking my D6 up from her school this week. I may also TELL her I am going to spend the afternoon with my D4 at her school on Thursday. That is a big change in this sitch and one not likely to be taken very well by her but there's also nothing she can do about it. She is going to start to learn very quickly that she does not have all the control in this. It may hurt my chance at a R but my kids want their Dad with them so I'm going to do everything I can to give them that, no matter what my W does.