I agree with everyone that you are being way too nice. I know that it is hard, but your W is steam rolling you. Your W is not attempting to negotiate (with or without Ls). She is dictating everything. Based upon her emails, she has NO INTENTION of agreeing to 50/50 custody or anything close. Heck, she wont even discuss it.
I think that she needs to hear a dose of reality from a third party (i.e. her L or your L - not you or her parents). Until someone else sets her straight, I dont think there is any hope that you will get anywhere with your W on the custody issue.
Look at all the time that has passed since she left. You continue to send these nice emails to her asking permission but then continue to listen to her terms. I am worried that the longer you wait, the harder it will be for you to get 50/50. When I spoke with a L, the L confirmed that the time between S and D are very big in terms of setting a precedent. Yes, she took the kids away without your permission. However, FIVE months have passed and you have done nothing about it. You need to start protecting yourself. Your W is going to say that you don't care about the kids and that you did not even fight for them and were "fine" not only seeing them every few weeks. I am sure that she is documenting the number of hours that you spend with the kids. And if she presents that to a judge, it is not going to look good.
I have many, many emails and witnesses that state clearly that I have asked for sharing time with the kids equally. I also evidence of my W preventing me from speaking to the kids for three months on the phone. When she finally agreed to let me speak with the kids one the phone I have done so every, single, day, and have no missed a chance to talk to them.
There is no way my W can even attempt to say that I did not want to share time with the kids. If anything, the events to date will show she blocked my access to them and acted in a very poor manner.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
I have many, many emails and witnesses that state clearly that I have asked for sharing time with the kids equally. I also evidence of my W preventing me from speaking to the kids for three months on the phone. When she finally agreed to let me speak with the kids one the phone I have done so every, single, day, and have no missed a chance to talk to them.
Think the kids will buy that answer in 10 years ???
Scorp - I am sure that there are tons of emails/witnesses that can show that you want to spend time with the kids. I fully believe that you want 50/50 custody and have done everything that your W has allowed you to do. But at some point, you need to step up and ask for what you deserve outside of the scraps that your W is willing to throw you.
ACTIONS speak a lot louder than words. Here is the pattern for the past five months: You ask your W for 50/50, Your W says No, You ask our W for 50/50, Your W says No.
All you do is continue to ask your W, who is dismisses everything that you say. You need to change this pattern IMMEDIATELY.
They will know I did everything, yes, without a doubt. I already have a lawyer ready to go with filing for D and serving my W with papers. I want to make sure I am absolutely certain there is no other option before I go ahead with D.
My W has moved some when it comes to the kids. I started off having zero access then she changed to every second weekend and I've had the kids home with my for a week for the past two months. It's not where it needs to be but it's progress.
If I file for D, serve her with papers etc then any progress that had been made will be lost. Would she respect me for standing up for my kids? Possibly, I'd hope so, but that's not what is driving me to do anything in this. Ask any good lawyer or especially a judge that deals with these things regularly and they will tell you to try to avoid a custody battle in the courts at all costs. There is a book written by a judge up here called "Tug of War" that strongly urges parents to avoid fighting for kids in court.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
3boyzmom, you're right. I'm speaking with another L today or tomorrow to get another opinion (I've already spoken with 3) just to be as sure as I can be I know the best way to proceed. I'm going to send my W that message today or tomorrow. If she responds the way she has before then I will go ahead and get the L involved.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
I want to make sure I am absolutely certain there is no other option before I go ahead with D.
Filing is just the first step of many, it doesn't necessarily lead to a prolonged custody battle that will cost "$50-100K."
Originally Posted By: Scorp7
My W has moved some when it comes to the kids. I started off having zero access then she changed to every second weekend and I've had the kids home with my for a week for the past two months. It's not where it needs to be but it's progress.
If I file for D, serve her with papers etc then any progress that had been made will be lost.
I'd be curious to hear what progress you think you've made. She's throwing you crumbs and you're eating them up. She won't even discuss any kind of equal parenting plan with you.
A suggestion - next time you consult with a lawyer, have them walk you through the entire divorce process. It'll go somehting like this:
You file, I believe for full custody if I remember correctly. She'll respond, likely for full custody for her. Lawyers will set a court appearance. Judge will order you to meditation. Mediator will strongly urge you to compromise. Mediator will AGAIN strongly urge you to compromise. Only then will you go to trial.
And the process can be stopped at any point.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
They will know I did everything, yes, without a doubt. I already have a lawyer ready to go with filing for D and serving my W with papers. I want to make sure I am absolutely certain there is no other option before I go ahead with D.
I think that you may be looking at this wrong...
I didn't ask if they will know, I asked if you thought that they would "buy" that excuse...
And lets call it what it is...
Every day that you don't see them, or talk to them, is an excuse...
There is one reason after another WHY you don't see them.
Are you okay with that ???
Drew is correct about the procedure...
The court system will scare the bejeezus out of you IF you let it.
It's not a 1...2...and it's done.
Judges hate having to rule on these things because it makes them the moral compass in the situations...
However, they will if both parties have become unreasonable...
What I am saying, is...
You are looking at this as an entire package. It isn't all encompassing. The custody side has no bearing on the outcome of the marriage. You can go to juvenile court and file for JUST custody without involving the dissolution of the marriage...
Your Lawyer is YOUR attack Dog, and he/she only attacks on YOUR command. And should ONLY be attacking the things that YOU want to attack.
You want to attack custody ??
Then you tell your lawyer to attack that, and that only...
Drop all of the other BS that has you scared right now.
Your spouse isn't going to do anything to jeopardize HER chance at custody now. She has you right where she NEEDS you to be.
Why would she do anything different ???
Because YOU asked nicer this time ???
F that buddy....
And yes, the court looks back on the previous 6 month history when it comes to custody. So as to not disrupt the children's schedule too much.
The BIG money that you speak of, is when the Lawyers take it upon them self to dictate the ebb and flow of the ENTIRE process. Stop that from happening, and things will change.
