I would like to add my little view about this, when I first came here I was receiving advice from MrBond and many others and I saw something lately that caught my eye, this is acceptance.
When we are little we want things and when we dont get those things we cry, get upset and isolate till mom or dad or an adult comes to pay attention, then we move on.... Well when each of us come to this forum we come with the idea of how can I change my S decission? Why this? How did my S stop loving me? I am going to change completelly and I will get my S back....and sometimes that works and another times it doesnt end the way we want.... Now imagine....you start working and they are happy with you, suddenly they reduce your salary and cut your hours...oh no!! This is gonna screw my life, why all this? I am a good employee, probably the best, and so for as long as you are in that company you will change the way you are without you noticing it and try to control your boss with elocuent speeches about how good and important for that company you are. And....it doesnt work, you ended having to find another job, getting upset and hating that company....why me? Why now? Why? With a R its exactly the same, your S walks away or finds another person or dies...whatever happens we dont accept it, so we look for ways to change that, first we contact them like crazy and spend days and hours making our lives misserable focussing in how this could change and what you can do for that...
Well lets go back at the time we were single...we partied like crazy, we did many things we liked and we didnt spend time thinking, why am I so happy doing this? Why do I like to be single? Why do I like to play videogames? We just did it because we accept that the whole picture was making us happy... Then we look for something else... We started a relationship and we accepted that person the way he/she was and even better they accepted the way we are!! Isnt that great? Oh God everything its just great...well hold on my S is acting different, and I dont know why is this, am I doing something wrong? What can I change? Wow why do they want divorce? Why my partner died?? God I hate you! Thats not what I wanted...
But now look a little deeper, were you accepting yourself completely at that point? I wasnt, and for what I read many of you didnt accept your situation either, so we tried to change it and it didnt work... We lost ourselves not ACCEPTING our partner, we didnt accept that at this point thats what they want and its fine, it hurts but you are not gonna die, it changes you but you will survive.
Its all inside of us, we have to learn acceptance, when MRbond wife decided to not continue with his marriage all he did in 3 years was accepting, he learned to accept during 3 years that the things were that way. The sandy rules are simply that, tools to accept, if you accept it will be easier to follow them, it will be easier to do 180 and to live your life. At the end thats the biggest lesson we will learn from this, and amazingly once you start accepting that the way you were behaving at that point was just fine and necessary at that moment, there is nothing different you've could it done differently. Now you can improve things, you can accept that you were this or that and its just who you are. Your S moves on easier because they started to accept the situation earlier than you, and you will only improve your life from the day you practice acceptance, at the end acceptance its unconditional love for yourself.
Every vet in this space did accept their situation and thats the only time they had a chance to get back with their S, it could it end getting D or in many otherways but all they did was accept that their S was in that point and there was nothing they could say or do to change their decissions. Now if you accept the situation and let the fear behind, if everyday you repeat yourself, God help me accept that the things are like this right now, only then you will open your soul to the changes that might come, dont force things, dont call or text, practice to accept their decissions and learn to accept that it might have many different results but everyone of those results are worth it at the end...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Ye21, i understand accepting, but at what point do you let go, and just accept it. I have been seperated for 3 weeks, my wife wants space and time, no mention of divorce, but no mention of working things out at this point either. I am so confused! i dont want to lose my wife.
Betrayo, the scariest thing its to accept, she is in that point now and nobody knows why it is, here is my question.... Do you love her unconditionally?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Betrayo, we feel your pain and the uncertainty is hard. But, you can accept the situation as it is without agreeing in your mind that you want a D. Acceptance of the reality of the sitch just gives everyone more space. It is what it is right now.
Ye21 I love her with all of my heart, and yes unconditionally! I am the cause of the mess, meaning I had an EA. Through our whole marriage. I would give and do anything to have her back. I am beyond scared about losing her completely.
Om Betrayo I hear you, do you see? You said you lover unconditionally but the reality its that you dont love yourself unconditionally, as long as you dont love yourself that way you cant love her that way... You had an affair, ok where is the problem? That was your choice at that point and it doesnt make you less worth it, it was just what you choose and thats fine, accept it that way. Now lets say she comes back with you tomorrow, you will be emptionally happy and you will think you have to made amends for the in your eyes awfull thing you did by having an affair... In a couple of months she is picking up her things and not looking back... Now, you accept what you did and because tv, your parents friends and family and even the president tells you that what you did is wrong you start judging yourself again... Well what if you leave behind all those beliefs and embrace the biggest gift life its giving you, time, time to accept what you did and love yourself no matter what and underestand that it was a choice you did at certain point without judging. Only then, when you are able to look at yourself with the eyes of a nond judgamental person, then and only then you will be able to love unconditionally.
You dont believe this? I believe in God, God loves unconditionally, no matter what I do he never judges me, and its always there to help me find what I need at each time, it doesnt matter at all what I do, God never calls me at my cellphone and says: hey dude I am God and what you did was wrong... Do you see this? Well you want to love your wife or other people unconditionally but there is only one condition...honey I will love you more if you are with me and you love with me and you are my wife and we have kids and all that...if for whatever reason you dont follow those premises honey, I will have to stop loving you.... Well Betrayo let me tell you that there is no unconditional love overthere...
Honey I love you no matter what you do, no matter who you are with and no matter what...thats is unconditional love and only if you accept her completelly the way she is doing things, only that way you can go upstairs to the room of the unconditional lovers, and trust me, only in that room is where she wants to stay, so use this time to love yourself unconditionally and others and then and only then, she will listen to you, otherways none of us here can tell you what to do to manipulate her... We are too busy following sandy rules and loving ourselves to spend time changing the mind of others
You are doing great and all that you are doing are just choices, I strongly recommend you one choice now, choose to live fully and follow sandy rules, its never TOO LATE TO LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY...never.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
"I love her with all of my heart, and yes unconditionally! I am the cause of the mess, meaning I had an EA. Through our whole marriage. I would give and do anything to have her back. I am beyond scared about losing her completely."
What you're actually "afraid" of is not being able to control the situation. The fact is that if she didn't threaten you, you would have dismissed her concerns. The problem with your sitch Betrayo, is the fact that you've cheated multiple times before, so she knows she can't trust you. You have to rebuild that trust through time based on HER timeline, not yours. It could mean that you end up being D'd, but you need to respect her time and thoughts.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Nobody could it say that more clear stick to the forum Betrayo, this is a nice path that will make you grow
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Ye21, Your absolutely right. I have to accept it and begin to love myself. Great advice.
MrBond, You couldn't be more right! I can't stand not having control of the sitch. I need to start living sandi's rules, and just living and showing my trustworthiness for the rest if my life. Thanks again for the support, it makes me feel better.
