I would like to add my little view about this, when I first came here I was receiving advice from MrBond and many others and I saw something lately that caught my eye, this is acceptance.
When we are little we want things and when we dont get those things we cry, get upset and isolate till mom or dad or an adult comes to pay attention, then we move on.... Well when each of us come to this forum we come with the idea of how can I change my S decission? Why this? How did my S stop loving me? I am going to change completelly and I will get my S back....and sometimes that works and another times it doesnt end the way we want.... Now imagine....you start working and they are happy with you, suddenly they reduce your salary and cut your hours...oh no!! This is gonna screw my life, why all this? I am a good employee, probably the best, and so for as long as you are in that company you will change the way you are without you noticing it and try to control your boss with elocuent speeches about how good and important for that company you are. And....it doesnt work, you ended having to find another job, getting upset and hating that company....why me? Why now? Why? With a R its exactly the same, your S walks away or finds another person or dies...whatever happens we dont accept it, so we look for ways to change that, first we contact them like crazy and spend days and hours making our lives misserable focussing in how this could change and what you can do for that...
Well lets go back at the time we were single...we partied like crazy, we did many things we liked and we didnt spend time thinking, why am I so happy doing this? Why do I like to be single? Why do I like to play videogames? We just did it because we accept that the whole picture was making us happy... Then we look for something else... We started a relationship and we accepted that person the way he/she was and even better they accepted the way we are!! Isnt that great? Oh God everything its just great...well hold on my S is acting different, and I dont know why is this, am I doing something wrong? What can I change? Wow why do they want divorce? Why my partner died?? God I hate you! Thats not what I wanted...
But now look a little deeper, were you accepting yourself completely at that point? I wasnt, and for what I read many of you didnt accept your situation either, so we tried to change it and it didnt work... We lost ourselves not ACCEPTING our partner, we didnt accept that at this point thats what they want and its fine, it hurts but you are not gonna die, it changes you but you will survive.
Its all inside of us, we have to learn acceptance, when MRbond wife decided to not continue with his marriage all he did in 3 years was accepting, he learned to accept during 3 years that the things were that way. The sandy rules are simply that, tools to accept, if you accept it will be easier to follow them, it will be easier to do 180 and to live your life. At the end thats the biggest lesson we will learn from this, and amazingly once you start accepting that the way you were behaving at that point was just fine and necessary at that moment, there is nothing different you've could it done differently. Now you can improve things, you can accept that you were this or that and its just who you are. Your S moves on easier because they started to accept the situation earlier than you, and you will only improve your life from the day you practice acceptance, at the end acceptance its unconditional love for yourself.
Every vet in this space did accept their situation and thats the only time they had a chance to get back with their S, it could it end getting D or in many otherways but all they did was accept that their S was in that point and there was nothing they could say or do to change their decissions. Now if you accept the situation and let the fear behind, if everyday you repeat yourself, God help me accept that the things are like this right now, only then you will open your soul to the changes that might come, dont force things, dont call or text, practice to accept their decissions and learn to accept that it might have many different results but everyone of those results are worth it at the end...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
