Need help saving my family - part 4

[Wonka]

Scorp,

I am sorry that W isn't being warm and fuzzy to you in her email communications.

"W,

Thank for getting back to me. The house sale, division of assets, and the dissolution of our marriage will need to be handled by the lawyers which will take some time to organize. is is now being reviewed by my own attorney and you will be informed in due course.

Meanwhile, my main concern is that our children be allowed to spend time with each one an equitable fashion. I would really like to hear your thoughts on my most recent communications regarding the proposed schedule for the children. It has been some time since I've seen them and I am very much looking forward to seeing them again.

Can you please let me know your thoughts on this schedule by the end of this week?

Thanks,
Scorp"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scorp, you really NEED to talk with your lawyer on YOUR bottom line regarding the house sale, trailer, division of assets, and custody arrangements. You might want to talk with 1 to 2 lawyers for a second opinion...particularly family law/child custody arrangements.

[Scorp7]

Thanks Wonka. I had spoken with a lawyer already about the financial matters. Basically, that is fairly straight forward, for the most part all assets and debts are split 50/50. If only custody of our kids was as straight forward.

I'd wanted to avoid using lawyers, my wife said the same thing several times. Does anyone have any ideas on a message I could send to reiterate that? If this does go the path of being a legal battle we could easily spend 50000 to 100000 on lawyers and the relationship between my W and I would be so destroyed I doubt we could co-parent in any way.

[Scorp7]

I did speak with my pastor's wife last week (she has been a great support since this started) and her advice was to still support my W, sell the house etc, not to stand in my W's way for what she's wanting for the future etc. Her opinion was that if I file for D and start a battle over custody of our kids that for sure the relationship with my W will have been so soured that we could not co-parent at all. Besides that, we would be spending money on lawyers that should go to our kids future.

My W had been slowly softening with regard to me having more time with our kids. It went from zero time to every second weekend and sharing holidays. Over time, that trend could continue if I keep things as friendly as possible.

Again, from a DB standpoint, what are my best options here? Am a crazy to think that given enough time (a year or two) that my W and I could still R? I'd prayed all along that we could at least start out as friends and then go from there but it's pretty tough to be friends and co-parents if lawyers are involved.

[melissag]

Scorp, you can take what I say with a grain of salt, since I am not feeling much hope these days. But if I were you, I would STOP focusing on the R with your W and do what you need to do to save the R with your kids. I think it would be a horrible mistake to let your R with your kids go in order to pacify your W so that she might someday want to R with you.

I hear you saying that you want to keep a good R with her so you can co-parent, but I'm not sure I buy it. I think that you really want the good R with her so you can have hope of repairing the M. I agree that it would be nice to be able to coparent amicably, but she is not into that, Scorp. She isn't even giving you the right to PARENT at all. She is making all the decisions for your kids - when they see you, where they live, what school they go to. Am I misremembering, or was it your W who, after finally "letting" you see them for a weekend, told you what they may and may not do? (No water slides, etc.)

You are so far away from any kind of amicable co-parenting R with this woman that you can't even see it on the horizon on a clear day.

I know you don't want to have lawyers. I know that you don't want to be at odds with your W. But you need to live your life and make your decisions based on your reality. Your reality is that, right now, your W does NOT want to be M to you. She doesn't even want to be friends with you. I mean, for crying out loud, she won't even let you email her directly! You are not getting enough time with your kids.

I know it SVCKS that your future isn't what you thought it was, and that you are at odds with your W, and that you may have to have lawyers involved in this mess. But don't make it svck even more by losing your R with your kids too. Please.

[melissag]

I'd prayed all along that we could at least start out as friends and then go from there but it's pretty tough to be friends and co-parents if lawyers are involved.

I think it is quite the opposite, actually. I think that trying to figure out arrangements for the kids when you disagree so intensely, is just going to erode your R further.

Also, she is not treating you like a friend right now, is she? So quit worrying about being her friend, and just make sure you are doing what's right for your kids and yourself.

[paul19510]

I agree with M .

[Breakdown]

You might want to talk with 1 to 2 lawyers for a second opinion...particularly family law/child custody arrangements.

Totally agree with this. Huge difference between a good family attorney and a crappy one....make sure you're getting good advice.

Her opinion was that if I file for D and start a battle over custody of our kids that for sure the relationship with my W will have been so soured that we could not co-parent at all.

I think the relationship is already pretty sour....don't you? The mindset here is important. You aren't out to hurt her or punish her....you are fighting for your ability to parent your children for the foreseeable future. That is it. It isn't about your W at all....it's about you and your children.

Over time, that trend could continue if I keep things as friendly as possible.

It could....or this may be the best it gets. Or it could get worse. Are you willing to gamble on it?

Right now, it looks to me like your W is steamrolling you. And while she may not like you standing up to her and fighting for time with your kids, she will respect you for it.

Am a crazy to think that given enough time (a year or two) that my W and I could still R?

I don't think it's crazy, but I really wouldn't be worrying about it right now. It's just going to get you sideways. Focus on your reality....what you want for you and your kids.

[Scorp7]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the support. I am starting to think that I need to pull a 180 in this situation. If my instincts are telling me to not get a lawyer and just go along with what my W is asking for then perhaps the right thing to do is the opposite. Hey it worked for George on Seinfeld

The one question I keep having is if I tell my W I am willing to sell our house (something I am ok with) but that I can't go along with that until I know she will share time with the kids 50/50. I need to of course know where I will be living after the house sells. I intend to move to where she and the kids are so that sharing time with the kids equally will be possible.

By tying selling of the house to sharing the kids 50/50 I am giving her an option to going along with the shared custody as a means to resolving the financial matters she's wanting handled.

[Mic]

I would separate the two immediately. If you do X I will do Y. Then she could say that your using finances in the best interest of your kids. What is the rush for the house. Sadly right now she's already gone. If you start standing up for yourself she might see you as a Man. Women respect men who stand up for themselves. See what your rights are in regards to your children first and then go from there. Good luck .

[Drew]

I'll say it again:

Parenting agreement first.

Finances second.

Do not connect the two.