Nope, 25 -- not major afflictions, rashes, scars, missing parts, or morbid obesity to report. I am 6'5", 235-ish, and in reasonably good shape....pretty much the same way she found me in 2003. I think I am reasonably attractive - I am no Brad Pitt (or Denzel Washington, as the case may be) - but I do try to take care of myself. Notwithstanding, holy CRAP does this whole ordeal make you revisit your physical attractiveness as well....being left behind can tap into insecurities that you didn't even really know you possessed. To be fully transparent, I still struggle looking at myself in the mirror at times because I think that WHATEVER it is that is looking back at me is so unattractive, so undesirable to XW that to makes me focus in on every little flaw I can see. Sometimes, I just take off my glasses or contacts to avoid getting a clear look at myself and having to think my hair is too long or I am getting too soft in the middle. Embarrassing to admit, but very much a true story.
I do believe, all in all, that through this whole debacle I have become a better father, a better potential husband, and a better man in general. And I guess I soak in that irony now because XW can't see it - but was able to marry and reproduce with a "worse" version of me and can't see fit to trust or get to know who or what I am now - despite trying my best to make it easy to do.
You know, 25 (and others), part of me wants her to date and have a miserable time of it....and I know that that is my spiteful side emerging and I do try to put it back in its place when it pops up. Yet at the same time, I feel like she'll meet someone right out of the gate that she thinks is amazing, is the antithesis of the me that she remembers, and wants all the things out of life that she wants or thinks she wants....they'll marry, have a few kids, live happily ever after, and my S will have a secondary male role model. Now, academically, I know that that is not the most likely scenario given what I know about some of the travails my single female friends in their late 30's and early 40's have been through - but I keep thinking "with my luck......".
Unrelated, but I am also starting to strongly believe that the same communication problems that appeared in our marriage are appearing in how we parent. XW will basically ONLY speak to my via text right now for the most part. And she flat out said a few weeks back that she didn't feel we could talk without a third party present. I don't know what is driving that because I do not go about searching for fights....I know better and do not take the bait if it is offered. Even on a friendly level she can't communicate. She texted me this weekend asking if I had any picture of S from the weekend I could share. I waited a few hours and eventually sent over some that I had taken. There was no "thank you", no "oh, where did you guys go?", there was zero acknowledgment that I had even sent them along....no text back. What is that about?? That is basically the level of respect or communication that you would give a stranger. And yes, I thought long and hard about not sending any pictures at all and ignoring her - but I viewed it as another one of those moments in life where I am being prodded to choose kindness even though I won't get it back. All in all, I feel like I need to tell her that we cannot raise a child through text messages.
With regard to clarifying directly to her that my desire to hold my family together has nothing to do with not wanting to pay alimony or child support as her father has told her - maybe I will try to find a way to make that point -- verbally or written?? I really, really, REALLY is something that bothers me greatly - and is a pretty harsh false indictment of my character. Come the end of July, however, I will write my last spousal support check - and in doing so, I know that it will create a rash of financial problems for her (or so I suspect, anyway -- I know most of the numbers in play). So I guess if ever after that point I am still "present" in one way, shape or form -- then what is the excuse for me wanting my family intact?
