ericmsant2- Hell yes I want to fix myself. Im tired of being this trapped person. Im going to back with you shortly. Just about to leave for work, but wanted to give an update.
First her and my Lawyer talked and they/we agreed to a settlement agreement, basically avoiding the courts. This could be finalized in 1-2 months. I did not initiate this this one, but accepted it and turned my portion of the paper work in (what the heck was I suppose to do STFU?)
Also WAW called today and said she found a place to live and will be moving out in the next two weeks. She said we can split custody of the boys 50/50 once she moves out and wants to discuss the items in the house we are going to split 50/50. She seems exited about her new place.
I hope I didn't initiate this faster, but with my track record^^^^, "Who Know, probably did with even knowing it"
Ill post back later. Gotta run
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Second....If you want to save the marriage, why are you pushing the filing still? Seriously man...I want to save my marriage but I filed the divorce paperwork. That is just unorthodox if you ask me.
Fourth...This is my big hang up. You take care of those kids regardless of what your wife is doing!!!! Kids come first period....by watching them you are not doing stuff for your wife.....YOU ARE BEING a parent taking care of your kids!!!!
You need to decide....ae you going to DB or not?
First off I did not file for divorce my W did. I have been responding to the papers. What am I suppose to do. I have to respond.
I want to try and clear this up. I can now see how my previous post came across. I was not intending to act like it was a chore to take care of my boys. I love my boys and have always spent a lot of time with the, pre and post BD, Pre -BD we did everything as a family, ate dinner together every night, went on bike rides, the beach, boating, parks, you name it. We took great care of our boys and when not at work, we were always together.
I now realize I had resentment towards WAW and it blatantly came through in my post. She use to be around a lot more, we split the responsibilities. It hurt me everytime my boys asked when's mom coming home? Why is mom always gone? Is she going to tuck us in? Can I wait up for her? Etc etc.
Even though it might have come across as such, I never thought of taking care of my boys as a chore. I was upset that this once doughting mother who in 10 years rarely missed a bedtime routine and then post-DB was never around. Yes I know that is my issue. I'm getting it now.
Do I realize now that I was focusing WAY to much on her and what she was or wasn't doing? Absolutely, I felt abandoned, I felt she abounded the kids. Again this is on me, I'm realizing that.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
OneDay…I know the above probably hurts man. You may be pissed at me right now. It’s okay..I want you to really understand what are facing. You need to realized that you have a long road ahead of you. One that I believe with 100% of my heart that you will take…the question is still the same….
Do you want to save your M? Do you want to save yourself? Do you want to become the best person you can be? Do you want to finally fix the schiz in your life that is not working? Do you want to feel better?
Eric, Im not pissed. How can I be, those were my words, my thoughts, my actions. Looking at the above hurts, it hurts really bad. Talk about GUILT, It just piled up on my shoulders. It actually hit me that not only did I treat my wife this way, I've treated others this way. Family, friends, co-workers, bosses. WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH ME.
All I keeping asking myself WHY? WHY did I act that way? Why was it all about me? Why do I continue to act this way? But, I dont have an answer
Do I want to save my marriage? My Self, The Schiz thats not working With out a doubt. But HOW? I want to fix myself, but as for saving my M... ...I can't imagine that happening right now.
My W is moving out in 2 weeks. The D is full speed ahead. My W is full speed ahead and I haven't even begun to work on myself.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Skimmed through your thread and will start following you as well. Need to give it a better read this afternoon but a few short things real quick.
Originally Posted By: OneDay
All I keeping asking myself WHY? WHY did I act that way? Why was it all about me? Why do I continue to act this way? But, I dont have an answer
Like pretty much every guy on here that I've read or talked to it's usually a combination of 2 things. (1) you were an ass and (2) you didn't know any better. It $ucks but it was what it was. The hardest step for me personally was realizing this and accepting it. Looks like you are at that point so you're taking the first step (which is the hardest so well done there). There's nothing you can do about it now so it's time to start moving forward and make sure it never happens again.
Quote:
Do I want to save my marriage? My Self, The Schiz thats not working With out a doubt. But HOW? I want to fix myself, but as for saving my M... ...I can't imagine that happening right now.
So my advice is to stop thinking about your M right now. It's hard as hell to do but right now you have to focus on making you a better person and building a strong relationship with your kids because they will need you even more in a couple weeks.
So how do you become a better person? Put other people first? Sacrifice without bitterness or regret. What are your top priorities for fixing you?
Also you need some serious GAL/ hobbies because you're about to have some free time. What are some productive things you want to do? Volunteer, work out, help a friend, etc...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I need to do more background reading as well, but it looks like you are at the point where you are looking in the mirror and seeing the real you. It hurts man....I know it does. But this is huge! You just took the red pill!
Most people never get to this point....they just blindly keep doing the same thing over and over without ever realizing their part in things. They blame others, make excuses, and then wonder why their relationships are hollow, broken.
So first, be thankful you are here....who you are is about to change. The beauty of it is you get to decide who that person is. Second, go easy on yourself. Forgive yourself. Realize you did the best you could with the tools you had. But where you go from here is totally up to you.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
So my advice is to stop thinking about your M right now. It's hard as hell to do but right now you have to focus on making you a better person and building a strong relationship with your kids because they will need you even more in a couple weeks.
Totally agree with this. It's one of those things that seems a little unnatural at first. But think of it this way....your M is your house. There are cracks in the walls, windows are broken, the whole damn thing looks like it's going to fall down. You can patch those walls, and replace those windows, but the crumbling continues.
The problem is, the foundation is broken...no matter what you do to the house, until that foundation is fixed, the house will continue to crumble. You my friend...you are the foundation. Put all your focus there first....fix that, and then when it's time to rebuild the house, it will stand strong.
I need to do more background reading as well, but it looks like you are at the point where you are looking in the mirror and seeing the real you. It hurts man....I know it does. But this is huge! You just took the red pill!
Most people never get to this point....they just blindly keep doing the same thing over and over without ever realizing their part in things. They blame others, make excuses, and then wonder why their relationships are hollow, broken.
It does hurt, its hurts badly. Im finding I have to make a constant effort and realization of my actions/behavior. Even though Im trying, I fail quite often. I do however, feel fortunate that Im catching myself with my issues, and I try to correct them immediately. Ive also notice, just talking slower, with lower tone of voice, and not responding too quickly helps in many circumstances.
I still have alot of difficulties talking to WAW. I try and start off a conversation calmly, with an open mind, a PMA. I make a conscious effort to avoid controlling. But the conversations seem to go astray.
WAW has been very angry towards me the last few days and it comes through in her voice and body language. Maybe its the stress of her moving out, and the true realization things are going to be very different for us and more importantly the boys. IDK. Nothing I say or do comes out right. I could have the best intention, speak with a soft voice, use eye contact, truly listen but somehow the conversation gets turned around. I try validating, but there also comes a point I must defend myself for False or "Hypothetical Accusation" she will throw at me. (yes I said Hypothetical accusations) She has done this our entire M. She will take a possible event (usually something pertaining to the boys) and throw out doubts about my ability to handle the "said" situation. I noticed that if its not "her" way its the wrong way.
On a positive note, I had a great weekend fishing with my boys on saturday. We caught a ton of fish and the boys had a blast. I've also found myself detaching from WAW. If start focusing on her, I try and immediately change the focus back to myself. Its working so far and I feel much better and I've even been sleeping through the night, YEAY!
On a side note: I wanted to share a song that I feel rings so true with many of our stitches. Ive heard it several times before, but never truly "LISTENED" until the other day. Hope you enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMEARFbMh0I
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
WAW has been very angry towards me the last few days and it comes through in her voice and body language. Maybe its the stress of her moving out, and the true realization things are going to be very different for us and more importantly the boys. IDK. Nothing I say or do comes out right. I could have the best intention, speak with a soft voice, use eye contact, truly listen but somehow the conversation gets turned around. I try validating, but there also comes a point I must defend myself for False or "Hypothetical Accusation" she will throw at me. (yes I said Hypothetical accusations) She has done this our entire M. She will take a possible event (usually something pertaining to the boys) and throw out doubts about my ability to handle the "said" situation. I noticed that if its not "her" way its the wrong way.
Think about this for a minute, and think about hos many years that your words came across the exact same way to her...
Think about how her actions are backing her words, and how even though you may see tings in a different perspective, your past actions and words reflected the SAME thing to her over the years....
Think about how YOUR words and actions control every single interaction that you have now, and in the past, and try to narrow down the actions and behavioral patterns that YOU are uncomfortable with....
And while it is incredibly helpful for you to point out her "mis-truths"....
Like it or not, that is HER truth, and HER memories of past events...
And it doesn't make them right or wrong, it just makes them hers...
Same as you have your version of the truth. Typically, what is real truth will meet somewhere in the middle of the two.
Most people that I have met, often mis-interpret this basic human instinct...
I don't have to be right or wrong, and I am not trying to be right or wrong, although I do want MY opinion to be heard...
Are you trying to be right ???
Is it more important to be right ??
Are you allowing her to be heard ???
One of my favorite old sayings is...
Seek to understand, and then you will be understood....
I still have alot of difficulties talking to WAW. I try and start off a conversation calmly, with an open mind, a PMA. I make a conscious effort to avoid controlling. But the conversations seem to go astray.
Nothing I say or do comes out right. I could have the best intention, speak with a soft voice, use eye contact, truly listen but somehow the conversation gets turned around. I try validating, but there also comes a point I must defend myself for False or "Hypothetical Accusation" she will throw at me.
This is tough stuff, and you aren't going to be great at it out of the shoot. I was such a controller....that resonates with me. Even when I thought I wasn't, I still was....it is really super hard to let go. But it is also freeing.
If things keep getting turned around, maybe focus simply on listening and validating....let's not worry about the "defending" for a while. Validating doesn't mean agreeing....and that may have to be enough for now.
Mach, that is a good way to put it. I didnt think of that way, but it makes sense.
Breakdown, You have a good point there. Its so hard not to defend myself. I guess one more thing I have to work on.
Guys I need some help here. I just recieved a text from WAW and I'm unsure how to interpret or even respond to.
Here's what spawned the text today. WAW were discussing time sharing with the boys once she moves out this Sunday. WAW is a very detailed and schedule orientated person.(Im not) I was trying open and understanding, but she started getting very defensive and we we ended up going around in circles and changing the subject. We did both agree to a 50/50 Alternating weeks, Friday to Friday, BUT, there is a bit of kink the with spring break coming up. We tried talking about it last night but never accomplished a plan and she was more frustrated then anything. I finally said, maybe we can talk more about this tommorow after we have some time to think it over. She agreed and we left it at that.
So, today I get a text today from WAW that read, " I really dont want to be mad with you... I just feel frustrated and threatened sometimes. I would love to get an organized schedule for the next couple weeks and then have more of a permanent on going forward. Hopefully we can chat tonight."
What do you guys take of that? I didnt feel I was coming across as threatening. How should I respond to that text?
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Here's what spawned the text today. WAW were discussing time sharing with the boys once she moves out this Sunday. WAW is a very detailed and schedule orientated person.(Im not) I was trying open and understanding, but she started getting very defensive and we we ended up going around in circles and changing the subject. We did both agree to a 50/50 Alternating weeks, Friday to Friday, BUT, there is a bit of kink the with spring break coming up. We tried talking about it last night but never accomplished a plan and she was more frustrated then anything. I finally said, maybe we can talk more about this tommorow after we have some time to think it over. She agreed and we left it at that.
So, today I get a text today from WAW that read, " I really dont want to be mad with you... I just feel frustrated and threatened sometimes. I would love to get an organized schedule for the next couple weeks and then have more of a permanent on going forward. Hopefully we can chat tonight."
Read up there, and tell me how many times that you used the word "we" when you spoke about what YOU wanted...
Why are you looking for YOUR answers from her ???
It also sounds as if a 180 would be becoming more organized and structured ...
???
You are still arguing with her, and trying to apply the old rules of marriage, to your current situation....
Just like a Dog that chases cars...it isn't gonna last long...
Originally Posted By: OneDay
What do you guys take of that? I didnt feel I was coming across as threatening. How should I respond to that text?
To me, it seems as though you are being exactly the person that she needs you to be, to justify what she is doing...
YOU didn't feel as though you were threatening...
Just like above, it's not about whether or not it's true, it is how she feels....
So what IS your plan for parenting ???
What do YOU need to parent in a 50/50 situation ???
