I'm in, wife's out

[trc2009]

Day 24 of not conversations devolving into a fight/argument.

I had the kids over the weekend and had a wonderful time. I can't begin to tell you guys how much better they make me feel. Just being around them for a few days gives me so much more energy.

W came back to the house yesterday. Two weeks ago she had asked me about how I was feeling about the separation and I told her that I wasn't sure how I was feeling about it and that I needed more time. Yesterday we got the kids down for a nap and W asked me how I was doing. I told her that I've been doing very well and that I have an answer about how I was feeling about the separation.

I told her that I think it served it's purpose of giving us both a break from each other in order to reduce the endless cycle of fighting/shaming each other. BUT, I said that if she isn't ready for it to end that I have no desire to end it.

We talked for a while and talked about several topics. It never devolved into an argument/fight but there were tears a few times. We talked about me seeing an IC this Wednesday. She indicated how important that was for her but made sure to stress that even if I go there is no guarantee that it will change anything. I told her that I understand that and that I'm going for myself because I have to learn how to not get so upset that I have a violent outburst.

We talked for several more hours. The thought of D I don't think is as scary to her as it was. In fact if I were to say today that I wanted a divorce I think she'd be relieved. BUT, she did say things that indicated she's not ready to give up. We talked about the separation and that it doesn't make sense for it to drag on for months and months if we are genuinely getting along. I mentioned that I feel the separation has been beneficial for both of us but if we REALLY want to try to work on our marriage, we would probably have to do that under the same roof. She didn't really respond to that but I was literally getting ready to walk out the door to head over to my parents and she stopped me. She said that she agrees with that. She said she hadn't really thought about that but it makes sense to her.

That was a HUGE statement. Absolutely HUGE. She even said the words, "I'm extending an olive branch here." I could tell it was a scary thought for her though because I haven't seen my IC yet. And even then, she is afraid that I will revert at some point to old behaviors. I validated that for several minutes. She was a breathe away from asking me to stay. I told her that if she isn't ready to try that yet that I don't want to do it at this point. She has to be ready. She said she may never be ready but agreed that a leap of faith would probably have to happen.

We talked for a bit longer and she said she'd like me to go to a couple of IC sessions first and then we can see how she's feeling about it. Which is perfectly fine with me. In this, I understand that there is no rushing her. She said she doesn't want to give me any false hope that by us living under the same roof that things will get better. We'll still be "separated," but under the same roof. Which is kind of what I figured would happen if we did start living together again. Different beds and no physical contact for a while.

It all comes down to her safety issues. It would probably take a while for us living under the same roof before she can start to take down her wall (which she admitted yesterday that she's built a huge wall around herself).

All in all, it was a long, exhausting conversation. There were a few times when it could have devolved into a finger pointing match. She got defensive a few times, I got defensive a few times. But neither of us lost our cool and when I left the house we were both laughing together at our kids playing in the living room. There are far worse ways to leave conversations like that.

So I guess it was a positive step yesterday. It at least indicated to me that she does have a desire to try but just isn't sure if she's ready to do it yet. I didn't act too eager to try and stay and I did my very best to let her think about it. When she said she wanted me to go to a couple of IC sessions first, I was very positive about it. (Inside, I was very excited about it......which makes being positive easier).

I remember reading something MWD said in DR. I'm paraphrasing but it went something like this. "Imagine a time when you had to be as patient as you've ever been in your life. Now, multiply that times 1 million. That's how patient you'll have to be during this process."