own buz 23:mediation to reconcilliation, PATIENCE!

[makingmagic]

Tx Portia, KP, Bond and G'belle:

The advice between bond and KP/Portia seem to conflict.

Bond suggests: He is making progress (baby steps) and that I need to be patient, be available to just listen/validate, etc. Not manipulating/calculating. Not controlling.

KP/Portia suggests: He is manipulating me, and it paralyzes me as he knows exactly what he is doing to keep me "here".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bond: Even when I agree with you and the others you still manage to disagree?? wtf?

Where am I punishing him? Where am I denying it? (I actually agreed verbatim!!)? I know I have changed, I have made a lot of progress with myself. Looking back, I have come a long way. I never said I was done changing. I have repeatedly said I am a work in progress. I am "seeing" errors in my ways. Plenty of my live friends and councillors have seen my change. DD and H too. There is still much to be improved on.

Kate: He has only mentioned beer once. You are suggesting that my h is a conniving manipulator. This may or may not be true. I have never known him to be a manipulator. Yes, he does know how I work and may use that to his advantage at times. Not sure if this is THAT time. He is a confused person ATM. His attempts to ... "i would have, I could have, I meant to"... is all part of a past behaviour. HE will need to work on that, and I will need to not accept it anymore. It used to be good enough for me. Not anymore. I need to see the end result, not just the "thought". As mentioned, I am working on self-love, self-esteem and values. When I feel I stand up for myself, I get reprimanded and challenged by Bond (suggesting I am not patient enough, and I am doing so only to punish him). This is a struggle. Then I question myself.

As for GAL, I have a pretty busy social calendar. What makes you think I didn't do this?
I know I have had movement. I am not that same afraid girl that I used to be. I do take chances and risk the outcome, regardless of h's opinion. For example, I now have self-respect and H doesn't pull the same stunts he used to. I also don't get into the fights like we used to. I just state my piece then leave. H now apologizes to me. I was also not willing to seek mediation/legal advice fearing that it would be the end to us. It took a while, but I did it. I got the ball rolling. I just need to follow it through. I have also looked at myself and found things that I did not like and am recognizing and working to change these behaviours. This is progress.

I agree that I still analyze and can obsess at times, I need to refocus. I also admitted to
trying to control the outcome. So, I am trying to be more aware of myself. This is progress 180. I was never like THAT before.

Portia ~ yes, thank you. My nephew has survived and is now out of the coma and breathing on his own. I am grateful. Many prayers answered. "If" h is all talk and no action, what do you suggest? "if" he is intentionally manipulating me ~ how do I stop it?

G-belle ~ Thanks again. I do see what you are saying and I am working on this. I didn't realize that being available to him was having an expectation. I can see this now. I just really wanted for the path back to me to be an easy one for him to take. I have read this on this board.