Now What???

[RealityTrip]

I am here. I am good. W and I are doing pretty good. We are getting ready to leave this week for my birthday trip... W decided to go with. She said I was the most important thing, so we are excited to put some toes in the sand and leave the world behind for a week. My family will be there and BFF (who W is still hurt by) so I'm hoping for a cleansing reconnection week for W and the people who love her.

Since Valentine's there has not been any other communication coming from xAP (that I know of anyway). W has been very loving and affectionate still.

She had a lot of tears yesterday, she said she was sad thinking about all the times she "jumped" all over me for little things that didn't matter and how she had treated me. This was especially bad during the first year of the affair when it was underground. Education and hindsight what it is, she was treating me poorly and looking at me negatively then to justify her illicit actions and make herself feel better for what she was doing. I think she is processing all of that now. She was really, really sad yesterday talking about it. I forgave her but she spent most of the day spinning in the comments that she doesn't deserve me.

I gave her some space and left her alone but told her if she needed me just to tell me and I would listen.

On a personal GAL note, I have been SUPER busy with school and work. Little time left for a social life after it all but I'm happy doing what is making me happy at this point and growing my future.

I'm working on rebuilding trust with W. I find that I am checking up on her a little here and there. Phone records, social media, etc... Of course I'm not finding anything and I know from experience that I probablly won't because going underground is just way too easy for affair partners these days. But still I look every once in a while. I asked myself if I call that snooping? My W gave me all of her passwords to accounts in an effort to be transparent so she knows I can look, but I don't let her know that I do. I wonder why it makes be calmer when I check every once in a while? My biggest check up honestly is not on W but on xAP. I check her out on social media. I like knowing what she's doing for some reason right now... and I am finding that I am happy when she is hurting. I think that makes me sound awful but this is my safe space and I know I can speak my truth here. For example, she posted an unrequited love song late last night. A really heartbreaking song. And I had no sympathy.

Maybe it's because her pain is another affirmation that the affair is over or ending. Maybe it's because she hurt me as a close friend and has never apologized. And maybe it's just selfish validation in karma and thinking she is feeling a fraction of what I did and believing she deserves it.

I don't know what all that means or why it is what I am going through right now... but I am. So I will stay in it until I learn what is meant from it and find my way through.

My W is in so much pain from guilt and shame, the xAP is in so much pain from rejection and abandonment and I, after having weathered the biggest storm of my life alone... and numb to them a bit. I know they have to go through it. I know it's their consequences and hopefully they can grown from it. My love for my W fuels my empathy and concern for her but the xAP does not get the same from me. Even on a human level I can recognize the need for it, but I can't muster it for her and I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I am just not enlightened in this way.

Oh well. Happy Monday friends! I missed ya!