I am Doogie's second wife. I met him 14 years ago at work. Initially it was just a work relationship. About 5 years into it he started flirting with me. I said dude aren't you married because I have no interest in being an OW. This can stay professional and if you find yourself free, I am open to dating then. He did pursue a divorce without delay. Though I did not intend to be an OW I see now that we did develop an EA and that having me in the wings is what enabled him to finally make a break with W1. Not a healthy start, I get it. Doogie's 1st marriage was 15+ years and very unhappy. Not a good match and the story of how they even got together has seeds in his personality that showed he was predestined to strong MLC. They did counseling, lived apart on and off for years, he did IC, one thing is she was depressed. Over and over she said she'd change but didn't. Eventually he did have short PAs (before starting flirting with me). His perspective was that he changed, he tried, she didn't. In the lingo here I think he was a stander for M1 easily for 10 years before starting the flirt with me. Originally I had an open mind about her and have always respected her as the mother of my SSs. Over time I have not been impressed. Ongoing conflict between W1 and H, and the damagedness of the two SS from all the years of parental depression and conflict pre and post D has been the #1 stress in our R. #2 stress has been our subsequent additional kids. I did a really bad job of prioritizing the R and him. I am quite sure I developed post partum depression and depression. I did not take responsibility for myself and my feelings. I lost who I was. I was his dream girl. He honestly was my prince. We are well matched. Feb 2013 we had a big fight about SS1. It was a watershed event for us both. In retrospect I see that we went in opposite directions. He started to detach and let go of the M. I started slowly to reawaken and recommit. 2013 was filled with active conflict between us like had never been the case before. Other behavioral changes in in him also were starting. In the late summer we tried MC. The therapist was not good and it just made things worse. He stopped it though MC had always been his suggestion. August mini-BD. I love you but not sure I want to be married. Tired of being afraid. I'm kind of over it. Started sleeping in separate beds. I started IC, made lots of changes. He noticed, commented, but soo negative. He is unwilling to try, change. My changes were all too little too late. I was pre DB and really pushed it Christmas time. Though my IC was good for me I think she pushed her opinions as if they were fact and frankly she is pro D. So I cornered him into 'making a decision'. Dammit! January 2014 BD IDLYA. I want a D. By May. I had typical pathetic reaction. Ugh. Luckily my positive changes begun in the fall working on me continued even while I was in pleading rationalizing imploring mode. I did some good things on my own. Around Valentines he went out of town. I got DR and found this. Started with the 37 rules. Added 180s, and GAL like crazy on top of other changes I had already started. So I feel much more confident. Acting as if. Many positive baby steps from Doogie. Honestly I have been shocked by his curiosity, interest, and positive behaviors. I am giving him a lot of space and he is using it. I show no interest in what he is up to. I am friendly but not invested. I am no longer forcing a decision or instigating R talks. Last week he did. At some point he will come back for answers. I am not ready to co-petition for D or S. If he wants to file, and for which is up to him. (CO they are basically the same). He wants to move out and wants me to weigh in on it and where he should go. I have no opinion. Painful as this journey is I am so thankful it bringing me to who I really am. D may be unavoidable but I really see this does not need to be the end. More on MLC and other factors to come. Thanks for listening.
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
Ugh. He just tried to have a talk and in so doing violated two boundaries I recently established that he agreed to - no right before sleep R talks and he came to my bedroom to do it. So he was asking if I have come to a decision. I said I have pulled down the pdfs from the state website about D and S. He seemed kind of confused by my response. I said that's what you want me to do right? He said yes. I said I am trying to work through it all. It has only been a week and I have had a lot going on. He has been sleeping on the bed in the spare room that doubles as the kids playroom. It makes him so angry. I've suggested moving SS14 into the office. I would move to that bedroom and he could have the master but he doesn't want to give up the office. It is so strange. Since BD in January we have been getting along really well except for the R convos. In fact before he left on his trip and before I started DR we had a convo where he said what's going on... I said you tell me if you are done and want a D your behavior is very confusing. At that point he had started kissing me when I left for work, etc after all of 2013 he had been just mean. He agreed and said he would change his behavior to be less confusing and that when he got back in town he would research apartments. After he got back we had the other conversation where he wanted me to tell him, what? My opinion on D or S? And also he feels like he wants to get a 5 bedroom house rather than a small apartment and wants my opinion on that. Anyway I have been detaching, GAL, 180. I also have had a breast cancer scare these last 2 weeks (he doesn't know) which has really put in focus how I want to live each day to the fullest for what it is and not be so attached to worrying about what is down the road. I have seen a surprising number of baby steps from him... He just texted an apology for coming and trying to start the talk.
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
Hello I have been reading other people's stories and homework links. Hoping to get this on the first page and get some feedback.
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
So I know the rule is to believe nothing they say and less than 50% of what they do. This cuts both ways doesn't it? While Doogie has been overwhelmingly negative he randomly sprinkles in comments, This wasn't supposed to end this way. Etc. In the convo last week he suggested the S as an alternative to D, I think to get me to co-petition, but said he wouldn't want to do it with a hope of Reconciliation at the end because he sees no chance of an R. The next sentence he said Of course I really wish there was a way we could work it out. ??? I see why people just give in an D. I feel kind of wrong continuing to engage with someone who has by actions and words shown themselves to be unloving to me. I do think in some regards D would be easier initially but I know first hand our relationship will go on forever because of the kids. I don't think a D would be better for them. Not to say we won't have a great life with a D too. I am just not ready to give up.
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
I am sorry for the difficult time you are going through. It is not easy, especially when your counselor wasn't about saving the relationship. I hope you will talk to a DB coach, as they are experts in helping you get clarity on your goal and how to go forward in a way that can get your relationship back on track. You do want to be sure you haven't left any stone uncovered before you settle on a divorce. Take care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Thanks. I'm good. I was just reading the doormat link off of mama's :-)
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
I like the idea of talking to a DB coach. I think this is one of those times when it's a great idea for you to do that.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
A coach seems like a good idea, just need to figure out how to pay for it.
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
