Email from H today. Would love to hear objective perspectives.
BTW, I did make it clear that *I* do not feel comfortable sending D9 on this field trip. I never said it had anything to do with HER not wanting to go.
I've thought a lot about this issue over the weekend and I feel very strongly that D9 should go on this field trip. I feel that we have done our children a great disservice in the way that we have raised them to date. In particular, I believe that the number one ingredient to success in life is ability to deal with adversity. I believe that we have not adequately exposed our children to adversity in order to instill in them the confidence that they can overcome it. I'm not blaming you for this; I think we both have let our desire to protect our children and ensure their happiness overcome their need to be exposed to discomfort.
I am not saying that we should beat our children in order to teach them how to deal with adversity. What I'm saying is that when a question like this arises - should we expose D9 to something that may be uncomfortable for her for the sake of a potentially positive learning experience? - I absolutely believe we should subject her to the discomfort of an 8 hour car ride and a 6:30 drop off in order to get her that learning experience. And if we don't send her, I think we send her a terrible message - if there's the potential for something to be difficult or uncomfortable for you, don't do it.
I know that you sent me an email awhile ago about how you recognized that you'd been controlled by fear for so long and how freeing it was not to let fear control you. From my perspective, it looks like you have reverted to this behavior (or never believed what you were saying in the first place) in our interaction. But I will acknowledge that I can't, and don't, see things from your perspective at this point and you may have other reasons for your actions. I hope that that email wasn't bullshit. I hope that you can see that the opportunities available to you and our kids from taking chances and doing things that may be uncomfortable for you and them.
This field trip is a pretty small thing - there are going to be a lot more difficult decisions on down the road. But I think sending D9 is a step in the right direction.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
hi melissa ~~ i like the way your husband thinks . As hard as it is letting go, great lessons can be had for both d9 and yourself. I am 47 and still coping with letting go.
Good luck. Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Before we chime in with our perspectives & thoughts, I am most interested in hearing YOUR thoughts and perspective on H's latest email FIRST. Try to look at it objectively and try to take away some nuggets that H has shared with you.
I think that the email was decent and fair for the most part. There seems to be some truth to it...one part that did really bother me:
"And if we don't send her, I think we send her a terrible message - if there's the potential for something to be difficult or uncomfortable for you, don't do it."
Like working out your marriage...
As for what to do now, I have no good advice. I really think you are not sending her for the reasons you have given and not because you are overly protecting her from something difficult. It sounds like she has been on many field trips this year and I understand sitting this one out. But I am curious to see how you will work this out as many of us that are new to coparenting will have to figure out our way.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
I disagree with him, and while I think it is fine to have differing opinions and parenting styles and theories, I find the way he presented it to be offensive and ignorant, as well as arrogant and manipulative. As far as manipulative, particularly the part where he tries to use my own words against me by essentially saying that if I don't agree with him or give him his way, then I am full of [censored] about saying that I have changed when it comes to being controlled by fear. It's like a trap. Just like how if I say "talk to my lawyer," that means I want war, or how, if I don't explain myself, he is FORCED to make negative assumptions about me and it's all my own fault.
The biggest problem for me isn't even what is in the email (though I do have a problem with much of it). It's the fact that I cannot communicate with him effectively unless I agree with what he says/thinks/wants.
I have no idea how to respond to this. I can go point by point the way he likes to do, but what good does that do? He will say things like, "oh, I recognize maybe there are other reasons for your actions," but look what the next line is. "I hope your email wasn't bullshit."
I have learned long ago that trying to explain myself is an utter waste of time, and all that happens is I get told how I am wrong and evil.
So what am I left with? I either give in to what he wants, or I'm a bitch. Right?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
"And if we don't send her, I think we send her a terrible message - if there's the potential for something to be difficult or uncomfortable for you, don't do it."
Like working out your marriage...
Yeah, that's going to be a tough one to STFU about.
I don't know, maybe it's that I am overreacting, or maybe it's because I know my H and his history. But the whole email just made me want to punch him in the face.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
No M-I can see where you're coming from with your perspective. And yes, I understand that you either send her and appease him or not and be the bitch. Totally get that.
He did seem sincere with some comments and insight and it seems like an improvement to the complete steamroll emails he's sent you in the past. Or, this is just another form of manipulation.
Rock, meet hard place.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
I have to admit I am petrified of responding to my H in any way, because he is so talented in debate and manipulation. It's so frustrating to feel so hamstrung in communication with him. I often feel there is no way I can "win." Not meaning win the argument but meaning have him understand me, or care about what I say, or even just listen to what I say.
The only thing I can think of to do here, as one last attempt to make this peaceful, is to try to appeal to his narcissistic side. I would say that I agree that it could be a good learning experience for her, and I would feel much better with it if he could drive on the field trip so that I would know she is with someone I totally trust. (I just threw up in my mouth a little, but I can push past it.) I could also point out that she would LOVE to have some quality time with him and I know he misses her, so this would be a great opportunity for them both.
Thoughts?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
