" Tx for your advice Ken, I will consider what you are saying."... suggested that I am hearing you. This is not nit-picking. I am capturing the bigger message.
I am not writing off the rest of the topic... I am reviewing and considering what you are saying.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Over the weekend, I was "expecting" that h would have asked me out.
Friday we worked independently of each other, keeping in contact throughout the day. I was really hoping at the end of the day he would have asked me to do something. Into early evening, he texted me to remind me of his aunts bday. I was in the middle of hearing bad news and texted him to say that. He asked if I wanted to tell him. I said sure, let me call you later. I eventually called him to tell him the news, and then he stated what he was doing and that he just got in as he was just hanging out briefly with his guy friend, while he was waiting on someone else. Honestly, I felt jilted. I felt that he would have possibly asked me to hang out/watch TV, but something better came along.
We worked early on Saturday together, and he did ask if I wanted breakfast /coffee (we went to McD's.). I stated I would have preferred a better breakfast. He circled the area to see what was available, but we ended up at McD's. In McD's we were waiting, and we had just missed "breakfast", so I jokingly said he could make it up to me. He asked how? I stated maybe another breakfast at a real restaurant another time. He said thats why he was circling the area. We mostly discussed work stuff and other random things. Then we left and worked a little while longer. He called/texted a few times to discuss my nephew's situation (in coma in hospital). The last one around 12AM.
Me: Hi, Not sure if its gossip or not but X is awake
(an hour later)
H: Hope its true and he's ok
Me: (immediately) Me too. Did I wake you? Sorry, just sharing.
NO REPLY... even still and its almost 11am now.....
Yes, I was "expecting" and had my hopes up for more for Saturday night. I was wanting to go out for that "beer" that he has mentioned a few times now.
I wonder why he is so paralyzed from doing what he says he wants to do. This is not new behaviour, he was like this in our relationship too.
I really need to detach WAY MORE... I opened myself up and I keep hurting myself.
I was careful not to push or to manipulate a way that would suggest hanging out, but I was leaving myself available during conversations. I was not hanging up first, etc. Although on Saturday afternoon, I did say "time for me to go" first. And left with a smile. I was just open and available.
Saturday night I left myself open for a call for a date. He did not call by 6:30, I made other plans. Had a girls night in. 3 girls came over for dinner and wine. 2 of the 3 women are separating...so there was a bit of husband bashing going on... LOL
This sux
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today: Off to church. Hoping to hang out with daughter for a bit this afternoon.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Me: Yes, he is awake. He's off all the machines and functioning on his own.
H: Great... but what about brain damage.
Me: Im not sure. I haven't heard. Im waiting to hear from X
H: Ok. ...obviously thats the big question
H; Just had a promising business call about x vehicle...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not sure if I should reply or leave it alone....
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
It may not be deliberate that he still dangles carrot, that I still chase. He is so paralysed by fear. Or maybe its manipulative, just to be self serving... I don't know.
But... I know that its supposed to be clear as day, not confusing. When HE knows what he wants (and if thats a R). If he knew what he was wanting & was sure of it...it would present itself and be clear. I wouldn't be having to do any of the emotional work to accommodate it.
I am trying to not fall into old behaviours here. I am struggling within myself. I took a chance over the weekend. I did something that the old Magic wouldn't have done. I opened myself up to "wait & see" if he was going to make a move or not. He did not. Now, I feel hurt that I was vulnerable. This is my own doing. Yes, I know. The old Magic would have tried to manipulate or steer a way that he would have felt obligated to ask me... and now, I am hurt and want to close myself back up.
and i shouldn't be worrying about any of that... I need to focus back to myself
The new Magic feels that since she wants to raise the bar, I need to hold true to my values and not accept his "excuses" of why we didn't have a beer. Or like during our R, he would say he "thought" about buying flowers. He "thought" about buying me a ring. This is totally unacceptable and I will not get back into a relationship with a person who "thinks" and is paralyzed by the "action". I am just not sure how I can express this.
Tomorrow, I will state that I require my name to be on the business, that it has been yet another month. That I need my future to be financial secure. What can we do today that will get the ball rolling?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'm just catching up on your thread. I'm not an expert but I'm going to hijack for a minute and circle back around. My h is currently a train wreck. There is no other way to state it. We have 3 kids under the age of 10 and he has not only left the building, but quite possibly the planet. My kids see this as well. I was not a great wife to h (major lack of intimacy) but am a great friend to h. Because I love him, I stay out of his way and leave him alone. I cannot make him do anything. Seriously, there is no angle to take. If he wants to chat he knows where to find me. I can only be the best me and take care of my little peeps.
This is truly difficult, but reading you sitch it appears that you analyze and look for angles on everything. It's just not possible. Nothing speeds this process up. Back off. If h wants to do something, he will do it. If he really wants to do it he won't talk about it but just do it. I only say this because it sounds like you are trying to force something to happen. Just back off. I know you work together but you can do this. Just let it happen and be the most magical Magic possible. If anything, this process teaches patience.
Just my 2 cents. Maybe it was 5 cents worth:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
tx georgiabelle.. was I doing it again? I thought that my last post was recognizing it and therefore pulled myself back. I was really just posting it...I totally catch myself looking for angles and analyzing... I was just venting and posting my weekend.
I totally backed off again... I didn't answer his last posts (they weren't questions). Re-focused (hence the last post), watched TV and just got in from picking up my DD.
I too (for the most part), figure if he wants to talk to me, he will call, etc...
He is the one who stated he wanted to have LOTS of talks, before going to the mediator again (as he is too cheap). He figures we can iron out some stuff first and what can't be sorted, leave to the mediator. SO, I "assumed" he meant what he said, and I "expected" that these "talks" would happen over the weekend.
In the big picture, I really do not want to "force" something to happen. I deserve better. I deserve and want someone who wants to be "in it" with me. I know this, and am trying to raise the bar and not settle for stuff that wasn't working in the old relationship.
Yes, I will let things happen as they are meant to be... but how do I do just that? Do I keep myself open/available (too convenient) or do I protect myself and stay shut? I don't know how to be middle ground. I don't know what that looks like!!
Your comment was worth the full buck !!! Tx!!
Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"Honestly, I felt jilted. I felt that he would have possibly asked me to hang out/watch TV, but something better came along." "Yes, I was "expecting" and had my hopes up for more for Saturday night. I was wanting to go out for that "beer" that he has mentioned a few times now."
Haven't changed.
"I wonder why he is so paralyzed from doing what he says he wants to do. This is not new behaviour, he was like this in our relationship too."
He is doing what he wants to do. He's just not doing what YOU want him to do.
"I was careful not to push or to manipulate a way that would suggest hanging out, but I was leaving myself available during conversations. I was not hanging up first, etc. Although on Saturday afternoon, I did say "time for me to go" first. And left with a smile. I was just open and available. "
That's called manipulation.
"It may not be deliberate that he still dangles carrot, that I still chase. He is so paralysed by fear. Or maybe its manipulative, just to be self serving... I don't know."
What carrot? He wasn't dangling anything. You just keep thinking he is. You're the one who is being manipulative. I told you that those conversations that he talked to you were just that. Him opening up to you about his thoughts. YOU keep thinking it's going to lead to action.
"But... I know that its supposed to be clear as day, not confusing."
No, that's where you keep failing to understand. It takes a long time for them to figure things out. It's not a sudden 'a-ha' moment, and even when the 'fog' is cleared, it takes a long time for things to resemble some sort of normalcy. There are always 'false starts' to piecing before things are normal again.
"I am trying to not fall into old behaviours here. I am struggling within myself. I took a chance over the weekend. I did something that the old Magic wouldn't have done. I opened myself up to "wait & see" if he was going to make a move or not. He did not. Now, I feel hurt that I was vulnerable. This is my own doing. Yes, I know. The old Magic would have tried to manipulate or steer a way that he would have felt obligated to ask me... and now, I am hurt and want to close myself back up."
You did try to manipulate. YOu're still the 'old' Magic. I don't know how many times we've ALL told you that.
"The new Magic feels that since she wants to raise the bar, I need to hold true to my values and not accept his "excuses" of why we didn't have a beer."
What excuses? He just said he went out with a friend. Period. YOU continue to read things into it.
"Tomorrow, I will state that I require my name to be on the business, that it has been yet another month. That I need my future to be financial secure. What can we do today that will get the ball rolling?"
Same old magic. He doesn't do something that YOU expect him to, then you punish him by "standing your ground". Pattern after pattern repeated over and over again.
"This is truly difficult, but reading you sitch it appears that you analyze and look for angles on everything."
Amazing hot total strangers pick up on this the very first time, yet you continue to deny it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"Honestly, I felt jilted. I felt that he would have possibly asked me to hang out/watch TV, but something better came along." "Yes, I was "expecting" and had my hopes up for more for Saturday night. I was wanting to go out for that "beer" that he has mentioned a few times now."
Haven't changed. admitting to having expectations
"I wonder why he is so paralyzed from doing what he says he wants to do. This is not new behaviour, he was like this in our relationship too."
He is doing what he wants to do. He's just not doing what YOU want him to do. misunderstood (i see what you are trying to say) but misunderstood. He is paralyzed by fear (his fear of commitment & fear of things going back to the way they were pre-BD.. I am saying that this is his repeated pattern in our relationship, and my typical behaviour was to enable it
"I was careful not to push or to manipulate a way that would suggest hanging out, but I was leaving myself available during conversations. I was not hanging up first, etc. Although on Saturday afternoon, I did say "time for me to go" first. And left with a smile. I was just open and available. "
That's called manipulation. Yep, I see and accept that now that you say that.
"It may not be deliberate that he still dangles carrot, that I still chase. He is so paralysed by fear. Or maybe its manipulative, just to be self serving... I don't know."
What carrot? He wasn't dangling anything. You just keep thinking he is. You're the one who is being manipulative. I told you that those conversations that he talked to you were just that. Him opening up to you about his thoughts. YOU keep thinking it's going to lead to action. bk, but only because HE said HE will lead the ACTION. But yes, he is only opening up to me about his thoughts
"But... I know that its supposed to be clear as day, not confusing."
No, that's where you keep failing to understand.You misunderstood. I meant that I have heard that IF/WHEN they KNOW they are back they are quite clear about it being known. It takes a long time for them to figure things out. Although, that statement makes sense too, he is confused and admits it. He did say his actions don't match his wordsIt's not a sudden 'a-ha' moment, and even when the 'fog' is cleared, it takes a long time for things to resemble some sort of normalcy. There are always 'false starts' to piecing before things are normal again.I have heard about these "false starts" do you know where I can read about other false starts or recall a thread I can follow? To read how others dealt with it too?
"I am trying to not fall into old behaviours here. I am struggling within myself. I took a chance over the weekend. I did something that the old Magic wouldn't have done. I opened myself up to "wait & see" if he was going to make a move or not. He did not. Now, I feel hurt that I was vulnerable. This is my own doing. Yes, I know. The old Magic would have tried to manipulate or steer a way that he would have felt obligated to ask me... and now, I am hurt and want to close myself back up."
You did try to manipulate. YOu're still the 'old' Magic. I don't know how many times we've ALL told you that. OK, I did part of the 'old' Magic.. Not sure what the "new" Magic should have done/behaved?
"The new Magic feels that since she wants to raise the bar, I need to hold true to my values and not accept his "excuses" of why we didn't have a beer."
What excuses? He just said he went out with a friend. Period. YOU continue to read things into it.As per his old commitment phobia, he did give "excuses" of why we didn't have a beer this past week. I had written, that he said "if it wasn't so late, he would have suggested a beer"
"Tomorrow, I will state that I require my name to be on the business, that it has been yet another month. That I need my future to be financial secure. What can we do today that will get the ball rolling?"
Same old magic. He doesn't do something that YOU expect him to, then you punish him by "standing your ground". Pattern after pattern repeated over and over again.confusing Bond, as others (vets) have encouraged me to continue through with getting my finances in order, regardless of him. Do you still feel the way you do, or do you join the majority on this one?
"This is truly difficult, but reading you sitch it appears that you analyze and look for angles on everything."
Amazing hot total strangers pick up on this the very first time, yet you continue to deny it.did not deny it... agreed with it almost verbatim!! where did I deny it? did u "assume" and not really read my comment? Is it that late? Do you need glasses? LOL (j/k)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
fyi G'belle... I think Bond may have a crush on you!!... LOL He called you a hot stranger. LOL
G'nite all!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
First off, DO NOT read about false starts. You aren't even in Piecing and the additional information will just keep you spinning more than you usually do.
"confusing Bond, as others (vets) have encouraged me to continue through with getting my finances in order, regardless of him. Do you still feel the way you do, or do you join the majority on this one?"
That is NOT what I said. I notice you really do have a hard time interpreting what others are telling you. I said you have a pattern of "punishing" when your feelings get hurt. This has nothing to do with the finances per se. You do it all the time.
"Amazing hot total strangers pick up on this the very first time, yet you continue to deny it.did not deny it... agreed with it almost verbatim!! where did I deny it? did u "assume" and not really read my comment? Is it that late? Do you need glasses? LOL (j/k)"
You deny it by continuing to do it. AND then writing posts arguing about what we write to you. I honestly was surprised that Ken was as polite as he was. I saw him hitting the same wall with you that most people have.
You continuously say that you've "changed", when you prove time and time again that you haven't. The only one telling you that you've changed is you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
