I haven't been posting as much lately, but I continually read others stories on here and take strength from them. My H has continued to be bitter in all of our conversations and I have managed (even shocking to myself) to keep my cool through it all. He brings up the marriage a lot, how I ruined it, how I am responsible completely for our lost relationship. It hurts, but I try to look past it. He will not answer any of my texts regarding finances, unless he either texts me first or calls me. When he does call me on the premises of finances, it somehow ends up being about how I failed as a wife. For example, I've been bugging him about taxes for 3 months now. He finally gets around to doing it and wants me to sign the papers that very second, when perchance I have to get my car battery changed. I asked if he could give them to my sister and I'll mail them out when I sign them, but he's insistent I sign them in person that very moment. I told him on the phone that I couldn't sign them because if I didn't get my battery changed I couldn't go to work, and then I couldn't afford to pay rent. He then says something to the effect that he feels bad I'm so broke and he feels responsible. (Yes, he left me without a dime but I have slowly made it back on my feet). So I just tell him I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself, and the decisions I have made were my own. And he was a bit shocked to hear me say that, as if he expected me to go off on him. I didn't take the bait.
These things really are hard to hear, but I try not to take them personally. That has been the most challenging bit in all of this. Sometimes when I can't help but to wonder if he's found someone else and it makes me a bit jealous, but I know from these forums that it's no good thinking that way so I try to relax and think about what I can do to improve myself and make myself happy. I know that is the true key to happiness.
Even when I stop exercising or eat poorly again, I remind myself why I was doing it in the first place and go back again. I even started to try new make up ideas that will make me feel better about myself, new haircut ideas as well. I want to vamp up my self and give myself some more self-confidence.
Anyway, I appreciate the support of this forum, and though I'll be heading to surviving the big D soon enough, I feel comfortable here for now.
