own buz 23:mediation to reconcilliation, PATIENCE!

[makingmagic]

It may not be deliberate that he still dangles carrot, that I still chase. He is so paralysed by fear. Or maybe its manipulative, just to be self serving... I don't know.

But... I know that its supposed to be clear as day, not confusing. When HE knows what he wants (and if thats a R). If he knew what he was wanting & was sure of it...it would present itself and be clear. I wouldn't be having to do any of the emotional work to accommodate it.

I am trying to not fall into old behaviours here. I am struggling within myself. I took a chance over the weekend. I did something that the old Magic wouldn't have done. I opened myself up to "wait & see" if he was going to make a move or not. He did not. Now, I feel hurt that I was vulnerable. This is my own doing. Yes, I know. The old Magic would have tried to manipulate or steer a way that he would have felt obligated to ask me... and now, I am hurt and want to close myself back up.

and i shouldn't be worrying about any of that... I need to focus back to myself


The new Magic feels that since she wants to raise the bar, I need to hold true to my values and not accept his "excuses" of why we didn't have a beer. Or like during our R, he would say he "thought" about buying flowers. He "thought" about buying me a ring. This is totally unacceptable and I will not get back into a relationship with a person who "thinks" and is paralyzed by the "action". I am just not sure how I can express this.

Tomorrow, I will state that I require my name to be on the business, that it has been yet another month. That I need my future to be financial secure. What can we do today that will get the ball rolling?