Thanks, Job. I’m just a little afraid to have too much hope. I’ve been doing good so far managing the expectations in my head.
Speaking about hope… I was at my sister’s yesterday and told them about my weekend in Mexico. I haven’t even finished half of the story when my BIL (sister’s H) said that it looks like my H is making some definite moves. He even joked that H will have to get an approval from the family if he wants to get back together with me. Then I got very contradicting advice.
First my BIL told me to not make any moves towards H and have some patience, let him miss me more, let him come to me. Just keep the status quo.
Then he told me that I either have to talk to H and make my move towards reconciliation, or I need to completely lose him out of my life and have no contact. According to them, I need to move on with my life, that I’m losing the precious time. That if I don’t resolve this now, it will be dragging for even longer. I either need to get together with H, or find me a new BF. They said that by allowing these kinds of situations (last weekend) I just prolong the suffering by elevating my hopes... Which would mean that I would not be looking for a new R…
This all comes from people who were never in a situation like this. This is the first marriage for both of them, my sister and her H. So, I’m still amazed how people who never experienced a break up could give me this kind of advice. I listened to their opinions. Then I told them that the time for me is going by no matter what. That it takes time to heal from the broken R. That I don’t have any expectations or hope. Well, I do have hope, but I didn’t want to admit it to them. I told my BIL that we just don’t know what is on H’s head, he might be just trying to be friends. BIL said that according to what I described, he thinks that H showed some interested and it looks like more than just for friendship.
I brought this up because quite frankly I’m surprised at everybody’s reaction to the latest events. I’m the one who is the least optimistic about this. Everybody else sees some very positive signs. Like I said, I keep my expectations in check. I’m just wondering if I am being oblivious, if I missing some opportunity.
The only person who thinks that H is perfectly happy is my son. I guess my H was so happy to see them last weekend, plus he can put a happy face anytime and anywhere. He was always very sociable and upbeat person, especially in public. And, my son doesn’t know any other details about my sitch, I just don’t discuss it with him.
I completely agree with Job, that if H wants back in, he will find the way. The only thing is that it still feels like my BIL said that life is going by. It still feels like I’m stuck in one place and not moving forward. I can’t say that I’m waiting for H anymore. I don’t even think about him all the time. I think it is just my job situation. When I find work, I will resume all my GAL activities. I do some now, but it is limited to the things I don’t have to pay for. I cannot say that all these time in limbo land was wasted for nothing. I’ve learnt a lot about relationships and about myself. I developed a huge deal of patience and understanding of other peoples’ views. Thanks to this board and to all wonderful people here!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Just checking in. Nothing from H since I saw him at the vacation home. I didn’t make any contact either. He is probably processing the events of that weekend and trying to remember why exactly he was hanging around with the same crowd as me, LOL.
I was not expecting any contact from him anyway, and it let me to regroup and get my thoughts and feelings back on track. I had a dream last night where I and him were spending time together. I cannot remember the details, but I remember the feeling of being at ease with him. I think I’m making good progress towards forgiveness and acceptance.
I still don’t have a job. I cannot believe that. It has been the longest time between my contracts. I try to be optimistic and keep looking.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I think you're right in thinking that he is still processing the time that you spent together at your vacation home. He will contact you when he is ready.
I think you did a great job of dbing while you were there and the times that you were in his company. A lot of positive signs yet they seem to need extra time to process things while in mlc unless they are lashing out in anger or want something from us.
I will think positive thoughts about a job opportunity for you. That will change your focus as well as give you something to feel good about. Things do seem to be improving for jobs in most areas. If you're near a larger city in one of the areas where the economy is recovering, you should be employed soon.
I also wanted to let you know that I may not be posting on my own thread for awhile. My h surprised me last week by coming by to install a new program on my computer. He didn't give me any notice at all so I hadn't wiped out my browsing history. The first thing he did when he sat down at my computer was to click on the "address bar" and it dropped down to reveal this site. He clicked on it and up pops the home page! I was paralyzed and when he commented by saying "divorce busting" followed by a chuckle, I said nothing. He then apologized and said he wasn't trying to pry into my business. There were so many things I could have said but kept my mouth shut.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT, thanks for stopping by. It is unfortunate that your H found this site on your computer. You did the right thing by not saying anything. I couple of times when I was at the vacation home and came to the office where my friends work, so I could get on the internet, I had this site open. I’m always very careful to switch to another page when someone is around me. It seems that they are always curious what I’m doing on my computer and come behind me take a look. So, a couple of time I was not fast enough to close it, so they might have noticed the name. I hope they are too busy to figure it out.
NLT, you are welcome to post on my tread, if you want to vent or need any feedback. And thank you for the positive thoughts. I need them now.
Well, I’m down this morning. It is another week, and I’m still looking for work. I’m trying really hard to stay positive.
H has been silent for two weeks now. This is the longest in the last few months. Usually he has some excuse to contact me one way or another almost every week. I’ve noticed that he transferred money to our joint account for condo mortgage payment yesterday, but he didn’t let me know this time. Kind of weird, especially after that weekend. Maybe he decided that he didn’t like what he saw after all, I mean in terms of changes. Or he didn’t see any changes in me. Or, he confirmed to himself that he did the right thing leaving me. All speculation, I know. I would think that he would have a lot of excuses to contact me now, the money, his pay that he mentioned he might need from the company, the taxes that I said I need him to sign. He might be depressed about the money though. Or, something else he going on in his head. It looks like he is running away again.
Oh well, I need to get back to me and what I want. I cleaned up some weeds on my back yard yesterday. Need to do more today and maybe plant some new flowers.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Portia, just saw your post after I posted my. Thanks for stopping by. I know what you mean about being out of advice. If I think about it, my H’s behavior follows some predictions that I, my sister, and my GFs made before. He thought he would find happiness in “live after me”. It doesn’t look like it is happening for him.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
No communication from H. No word about the money he transferred a few days ago. No questions about taxes, he knows he needs to sign them.
I guess I went ahead of myself thinking that past weekend was some kind of progress. He went back into the tunnel. Did he get scared? Why? I was not pursuing, I was not pushing, I was not asking any questions. I was happily doing my own things. There is no ground for him to use any kind of excuse, like he used last year when he said that he didn’t want to hurt me and this was why he was keeping the distance.
Is he waiting for me to contact him? I had a wild thought that he might be using the DB techniques on me, like no contact. The only problem is that it is not working. I am not going to initiate contact, unless I absolutely have to, like for tax filing that has to be done before the deadline.
I know that I need to have more patience. It is the uncertainty that bugs me sometimes, even thought I’m used to this status quo now.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi bright I think sometimes after positive contact they go back in the tunnel in order to 'regroup'. He might have been confused about the weekend as well- how it made him feel, the reality, which is not how he envisioned it to be.
Keep on going. Thinking about you x
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I agree w/busting. Many times, the mlcer will be around family and old friends, enjoy themselves and actually participate in activities. Once the event or holiday is over, they go retreat back into their hole. Why? Because their heart and soul because to thaw and it scares them to death because they then realize that they have let their guard down and that shouldn't be.
When he's ready, he'll contact you again. If you need something signed, contact him and ask him when he will be able to sign the tax papers for you. There is no harm in that.
Continue to focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just keep on keepin' on - that's all you can do. Don't worry about "why" because it would only be speculation and you can't change it anyway. You didn't do anything wrong. Still his journey. Don't contact him until closer to the deadline. I know what you mean that it bugs you, this whole MLC bugs me. Let him keep the distance, in fact - enjoy it. Try and focus on something else instead of wondering what he's doing. I'm thinking the more distance he keeps, the less drama for you. I am telling myself this because mine is doing the same thing. Trying to see it from a different perspective, so many people here still have their MLC'er at home or in contact all the time and I'm thinking maybe he's doing me a favor by not contacting me, yes I wonder a lot, but I don't see the actions so I don't know and it doesn't hurt me further. Sometimes I just think eff him, this is my life now and it no longer revolves around him so forget about it. easier said than done. It's like that kid in the back seat on vacation "are we there yet? are we there yet" no... we're not there yet. ugh. hang in there BF, you'll get through this. One day we'll all look back and go "we did it!" and be stronger for it. I hope!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
easier said than done. It's like that kid in the back seat on vacation "are we there yet? are we there yet" no... we're not there yet. ugh. hang in there BF, you'll get through this. One day we'll all look back and go "we did it!" and be stronger for it. I hope!