I'm in, wife's out

[25yearsmlc]

Hello...get ready for some 2 x 4's I hope you sort of welcome b/c if all we do here is focus on her, you won't get anywhere.

She said "it's NOT final, but I'm leaning towards divorce"...to me that's incredibly positive this soon after dropping a D bomb. I don't know why you are so insistent on reading that as a negative...unless that's how you view things with her....(hmm?)

and of course she's afraid of you and that you'd revert to old ways if you two reconcile too soon. I mean, of course.

Also, the whole "MLC vs WAW" is, imo, a waste of time. IT does not change your course of action, and it means you are analyzing her instead of working on yourself.
It's a deflection away from the one thing you can and should control, which is YOU. It's not a constructive use of your time. I know b/c I wasted a good year of my life wondering about what my h was doing/thinking/planning/feeling...I could have spent that time on ME and MY work and taking care of and being fully present for our children. What a waste of that year...

You sound confused to me, quite often. That's natural. But so is she....
See the confusion as the positive it is b/c if she were "positive" she wanted a divorce, there would be no confusion. you WANT her to be confused b/c it means you have a chance to demonstrate your changes.

The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them. And let's face it, you two fought A LOT, and that ate away at her more than you seem to realize. Esepecially since you were her primary source of adult interaction. She's home all day with a 5 y/o and a 2 y/o and you come home and instead of relief, she gets more conflict. Dang what a nightmare for her.

She is not perfect. We get it. But she is already working on herself (hence the IC) and

You are the one here trying to save the m, not her. None of us (or you) can fix her. No point in trying.

So lets focus on YOU...okay?

Have had a decent couple of days. Both of us were pretty tired yesterday but I came over to watch the kids for a few hours while she went grocery shopping and left not long after.

She did say she texted her friend to see what IC her husband went to and see if it's one he would recommend. I feel keeping her in the loop with that is essential because she's kept me in the loop for the most part w/ her IC.

Again, I'm going for issues with losing my temper with her. It's only happened a few times in our time together and it never led to me hitting her or anything like that. BUT, when I lose my temper I can very much see how scary and intimidating that could be for her.

I'm glad you say this^^ but I sure hope you "REALLY get it". It's a much bigger deal to women than to a man. You're physically bigger than her. Underlying any temper issues is the simple reality that you can hurt her a whole lot more than she can hurt you, physically. NEVER forget that.


I have to learn to calm myself down before I ever get to that point. Again, it's not a regular thing and lord knows each of those times I had a right to be angry or frustrated at her. But never to a point of losing my temper.

Why even mention that "Lord knows I had A RIGHT to be angry"??? More of the old you showing that you were "mostly right"....Here's a newsflash....We ALL GET ANGRY/FRUSTRATED. That's called life.

It's your job to manage that and by the age of 32, it's pretty crazy to still "lose your $hit" ever, not to mention that you are still defending it. Stop that. For your children's sake, your sake and your m's.


My two goals now are this.

#1 No conversations that devolve into arguments/fights.
#2 See an IC for my temper issues and keep her informed with how that is going. Obviously I'm doing it for myself but I am for her as well. I actually think this could be a deal breaker for her.

TRC, it is absolutely a deal breaker for her. And it would be for me, and every single healthy woman I know. Wrap your brain around the importance of this, please.


#1 is going splendidly. We're now on Day 14 of no conversations devolving into an argument. Our conversations for the most part are kind and civilized. The last two weeks have easily been the best two weeks since we separated.

That^^ is good news. You need her to feel more relaxed around you and then build from that.

Again on Sunday, she said it wasn't her final decision but she's still leaning toward D. Which is a good/bad thing I think.

See above^^. It'a s positive. IF she said she wanted to work on the m NOW, as you both are, I would not believe she was sure. NOR would it work.

This will take time to do it and have it last. Far too many couples around here try to reconcile without new tools. So they revert at the first stressor, which life always gives us. There's no downside to piecing slowly but a huge risk to rushing it.

I suggest if the time comes or IF she is willing, you attend Retrovaille. IT's a workshop/retreat for marriages in crisis and will give you both new tools for handling conflict. It cannot hurt and it has some impressive results.


If anything, it means she just isn't sure that we're going to slip back into the cycle we were in from 1/2/14 - 1/25/14 that led to the separation.

Um, you think those ^^ are the "bad" 3 weeks of the m but she probably is listing years of it...

I guess if we end the separation, there will probably have to be a leap of faith that we won't ever go back there.

Some faith and new TOOLS are the keys here. How are your coping skills growing?


#2 I'm hoping to have an appt. setup by early next week. This is a must. I should have done this a few years ago the first time I lost my temper with her.

Yes it is a must. Keep at it. Stay in your sandbox and out of hers. Don't go on Facebook. Period. Leave it alone.

don't show her the anger you frequently feel. Show her the new mature you.

Stop the obsessing about any EA/OMs, etc. Put a stop sign in your head the next time you start venturing there...

And Just be the better choice. Inner contentment will radiate from within...being miserable around her is not going to make you more appealing.

However, fyi, No woman is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father.

MANY women stay in their m's because the h is a good provider and father. It's a turn on to see the kids and their dad loving each other.

Be the best dad you can be, and become a man only a fool would leave.