Crimson......still just checkin' in.

[25yearsmlc]

SID - thanks. There are days I really wish I could force my heart closed and stop caring one way or the other. I just can't....no more so than someone can force it open.

But you Do have some control in this^^^...."Love is a choice. Where the head goes, the heart will follow", etc. As long as you let the women you date have at least a chance, then so be it.


Over the time that this has been going on, I have really learned from the folks here and others that XW does, in fact, have her work to do and thus far she hasn't really dug into herself to do it.

^^Which makes it impossible to reconcile "as is".

I tend to believe that she has surrounded herself with folks (family and otherwise) that tell her that there really isn't any work for her to do and that things just "happen".

RE this^^^ I have 2 thoughts...1) how enraging(!) and good for you not to screw your head in the ceiling; and 2) do you see how the "just happens" is not that different from You saying you can't force a heart to open/close? You DO have some control there, just as your w did/does....

do you get what I'm saying here?



And I know that her dad tells her that the only reason I want to fix things is so I don't have to pay alimony and child support....and that message resonates with her I'm sure.

I probably would need to address this^^ mistaken belief, at least once. And with conviction. It's an insult you do NOT deserve. IF SHE cannot tell the difference between a man who is a cad, and a loving involved father like you...then you really are better off without her in your life & the divorce was a favor to You...



Even though nothing could be farther from the truth. Honestly, in my weaker moments I can't even begin to tell you how much that makes me mad....and, honestly, hurts my feelings that someone would think that lowly of me. No matter - nothing I can do.


You're "doing" what you can on this ^^ front, but it needs saying, & articulation at least once. Subtlety is lost on your x w, if it's a positive about you...

GM - At this point you should know that little to nothing here really rattles me much on this board....even being called a reformed narcissistic prick . I would take her "as is", but it would be "as is" while we go get help and try to work through things.

I understand you here^^. But I caution you b/c your Xw does not think she has work to do, and did nothing while you attempted a recon. I guess she thought it would 'happen" but whoops, it does not work that way.
I swear to you Crimson, IF IF IF there's a chance for her to really come around and do work on HERSELF FIRST...( to earn her way back to you) it'd be by her seeing you in another R with someone.

She'd see you still being warm/positive upbeat around her, and a "dear friend" who listens to her frustrations about work or parenting and co-parents well....and is also a dynamite boyfriend to OW...she'd start thinking "WTH did I give up? Oh, a really good man..."

OR she would not care at all. But I do NOT believe she'd think "Crimson must not have cared or he'd STILL be pining for me..." b/c Crimson,
IF pining for her to prove your love was really what she needed, it would have happened by now, imo.

I am not advising you to date, as a tactic. I'm simply saying it won't hurt your R with HER...so that should not be a consideration when you decide to date. And I hope you find someone who sees you for who you are.

We all like to think it'd be 'ideal' to reconcile, for your son's sake. But would it? I mean, as she is now, She left at the first conflict, instead of modeling ANY resolution of conflict.

She nurses her perceived "wounds" til they fester silently, (so you cannot do anything to help b/c she withholds the information you need) & she can wallop you with a sudden departure/punishment.

What does that really do for your son?



I am now 100% of the belief that each party has to hit that one wall where you realize it's you and not the other person as much as you think. And then, even if you DO hit it -- you have to have a reason to want to improve, own, and be better.

Yes...well said. But I wonder... could she ever hit that wall, with you so available? You may say you are not that available, but if she were to call you and want lunch/dinner/or a new dishwasher...(anything, really) wouldn't you look for a reason to do it ----by claiming it's "for your son"....??


Thank you for your kind words, GM....I was feeling a little down this morning. I wish XW could see me in 1/10th of the light you see me in. That would help.

Crimson

Open your heart Crimson...not just for her. 90% of the women you meet for a date are already attracted to you enough for a date. (Unless you are showing the photo taken 12 years ago...)

When they get to know the real you (assuming you show them the guy we see HERE), how can they not think "this is a GOOD man"?

Sure, it doesn't mean they'll all think you're a great fit for their lives and must be their husband, but I'm sure if they meet the man who is here on this site, you're going to feel a lot better about who you are.

BTW, just so we know...do you have to lose 100 lbs or have any disfiguring scars on your face or some such "defect" we are not aware of? I only ask b/c I'm baffled by your w's choices.

I mean, talk about someone living in fear....her whole perspective is based on the premise she was/is a victim & will be hurt by taking ANY risks...and to HER, being single and having a great co-parent for her son, seems safer. What a lousy way to live.

If she's dating, she will notice that A LOT of men are not going to match YOU. I hope she does date b/c that's another shorter route to her seeing your value. So don't freak if she does. Seriously.

(((( ))))