as usual - i'm humbled by your kind response. (and flattered too) i cannot figure out what the heck it is I "want" from people, life, h, etc. (as far as reactions) or ever "wanted". ( you say what "drives" me) I'd say like the whole world, to be loved or appreciated by someone(s) - to have a "family" or a "pack" to be part of - to be honest - it's not the kind of thing i ever thought about. Also - I really would just like everyone to be happy and have a nice life.
i thought family was incredibly important. i thought i had some people who loved me for who i was and found "the good" in me. i thought my family members thought it was important too-.
i am wrong - and have been for quite a while possibly . maybe a lifetime. it is taking me a long time to get used to this notion- - possibly forever - possibly about everyone. (& most things?) and i mean the big things - the important things.
maybe at some point everything & everyone changed inlife - and i didn'& I didn't know it.
sounds drastic - i know- but it seems accurate (mostly). sooo- short version is i'm workin on it- getting used to idea- getting thru next portion of my mom's life & end of life and then i'll try and figure out who the heck i may have become that i don't see (and of course who or how i should be) - and who the heck fits into my life and wants to be there. and what is a total waste of effort and i need to just move away from.
did that make sense?
as usual- i'm trying to bite my tongue and not dive into "BEING HONEST" with anyone rite now or decide anyhthing major just now - i know what a heightened anxiety level i've got going. i do not see it miraculously disapearing til this big "undertaking" i have before me is over. the insane aftermath- with my wacky, greedy family will be anotehr freak show- but no one will be suffering. it'll just be personality clashes and selfish interests competing. nice huh?
it's very very hard to watch another human being crumble away little by little & die - and even harder to fear for their future pain & despair on their way. isn't it a shame we can't save people from their lives sometimes? i am hoping for a kinder end for my mother than my dad. fingers crossed with it all.
sorry for dreary me- i just am today- but one way or the other will proceed - rite?
so- glad to hear from you- as usual i am a storm of confusion and no real answers - but hey - alive, lucky to be so, glad to be me (whoever thisvnutvjob is) sure i'll figureit all out someday or else get a life where it can be put i a drawer somewhere and gotten past - move on -
