Wife is Continuing Affair- When do I start LRT

[sandi2]

Just to follow up, I realized I didn't completely answer. No the kids did not witness it, they were asleep. I didn't call the police, but I have let her doctor know. She feels I violated her trust by doing this, but personally, although I agree with you on her wanting to be rescued and see my response, I felt its a serious thing to threaten.

First of all, she is in no position to declare violation of trust!! Secondly, she kind of told off on herself by getting angry at you reporting it to the doctor, b/c that was not her intended purpose of the incident.

Should I not be allowing her in the house period, or should I continue to allow access with the kids? She doesn't want the kids at her new place, which is fine with me. They mean the world to me, and the thought of having a night away from them devastates me......

Here is what I observe in like situations. WAW has A and H kicks her out, or she decides to leave. But he gets bogged down in co-parenting issues. You say you want her to stick to a schedule and help with the kids activities. You say you won't allow her to stay at the house, and you really would like to change locks.......but she comes in and cooks a few times a week. You take off your ring but leave pictures up on the wall. You still have a desire to help and recue, but ponder over moving a bed for her. So, these are common complexities I see in other stitches, as well.

I think there are two basic avenues people take when the W is in an A and has left the home. One is more the tough love approach with very definite and clear lines drawn in the sand. No cake eating allowed, etc. The life she once had as your W stops immediately and you basically keep her out of the picture until she ends the A and is willing to reconcile and work on the M. And I can't emphasize the latter part enough. Too many LBH'S take the W back "before" she is ready to roll up her sleeves and begin the hard, hard work on the M.

The second approach is the more common one I see here on the board, but IMO, it is not necessarily the best. I think the idea is for the LBH to show her how wonderful he can be, and try to inspire her to choose him over the OM. That is the extremely short version. This is a very difficult lifestyle b/c it can continue indefinitely. The WAW gets her needs met by OM/A and H/family. She has the best of both worlds, so to speak. In the meantime, the LBH feels like a doormat while he watches his W constantly eat cake and never warm up to him in the MR and especially romantically.

There are many who try to mix the two approaches and get very confused over its complexity. B/c when you have children, especially old enough to be in various activities, you soon realize just how tough it is to do it all by yourself. Plus, most men want their W to continue being a parent, if for no other reason.....for the sake of his kids. Yes, it can get quite complicated. One reason being, the WAW and LBH seldom agree on anything.

My personal opinion, and I believe MWD teaches, that when the bomb is dropped.....you go straight into the LRT. In her DR book, she even says that if the LRT does not work and the WAS refuses to end the A, get a lawyer. So many people seem to overlook that little sentence in her book. Plus, many LBS are just not ready to file for that step, so she gives her advice on how to coop while the S is having an A. I suppose that's why DBing is misunderstood by some to think it is doormat tactics. But it isn't. It is the choices of the LBS.

So while I tend to take the tougher side, it is still your life and your choices to make. I will try to help where I can. So that leads me to your current situation. If it were me, I would first ask her if she would participate in family therapy. I have no personal experience with it, but if Starsky encourages it (and I've seen where he does quite often), it is good in my book. I have had personal experiences with just common counselors, and It never helped.

I do believe you need guidance in establishing some of these boundariesn while separated from your W. There again, if I understand it....Starsky may know of FT helps with these issues.

I can give you a close VP of the WAW in an A. Your W resorts to using dramatic tactics to get her way, or to escape a difficult moment....or be rescued. As long as it "works" to get the desired effects, she will continue. So, I suggest you discuss some of these tactics either here or in therapy, to get an unbiased VP. It can be difficult for the one closest to that individual. And I certainly advise you to follow up with the doctor for advice regarding another incident where she threatens to harm herself.

If this was my spouse, I would have concerns about my children and how they may be affected with her threats of bodily harm. I would take it under serious consideration when drawing those lines (her have access to the home, keeping the children, driving the kids, etc.). I think it should be a very serious issue in a child custody case. Whether she really intended to harm herself or not isn't the point, but rather how responsible she is as a parent. She wasn't thinking of the kids!

Anyway. If I were your WAW, I would not see any clear lines drawn by you. I would think you were pi$$ed about OM, and this was a temporary fallout. In time, I will be able to come and go in the home as I please. I mean, what can you do about it? And I see you aren't wearing your ring. Is that suppose to upset me? Big deal. I notice the pictures are still up. (Now I'm talking as though it is your W. it's not my advice.). So now you don't think you can help me move one lousy bed, but I can come to the house three times a week and cook and keep the kids b/c that helps YOU! I am not allowed in "our" house when it is not convenient for YOU. Oh, and about that so called schedule you want to have. You simply want to control my life! Well I will do whatever I please b/c I am done with this M. Now I'm crying b/c you are so mean, you kicked me out of my own home, with no place to go, which proves you never loved me. You never cared about how I felt about anything. As long as you got your way about everything! Blah, blah, boo-hoo........I will cry and if it doesn't move you to comfort and reassure me, then I will do something more drastic to make you feel sorry.

Not so nice, huh? If you feel conflicted, just know she is much worse. Even without her other mental issues, she would be operating out of sheer emotions b/c that is what a WAW in an A does. What a mess, if the H doesn't get his head screwed on straight and operate from his moral and spiritual standards, instead of his emotions. My heart just hurts for those children! Yes, it is a disfunctional home. Guess who needs to be the one in charge? This family needs a leader. The most assurance you can give those kids is to let them see you standing tall, demonstrating to them how to apply stength, integrity, and leadership during these bad times. You don't have to be a super hero, but if you can apply these characteristics, you will definitely be "their" hero. And that is the most highly valued position any of us could ever hope to have in life. Btw, do the kids know why their mother is not living with them? Do they know she doesn't want them at "her place"? What have they been told?

I think that men have a window of time that they can get things into place, so to speak, that can have positive influence on the WAW's decisions. But if he doesn't know what his own standards are and questions everything to the point he is getting buried in all her "stuff", I personally believe he will loose a lot of ground. The sooner you know your own self.........I mean you know what you cannot and will not tolerate in your life..........and you are honest enough to know what you cannot live without, the sooner you will have a clearer picture of where to draw those boundaries.

Get yourself straightened out. Fix your bad stuff. Get help with it. Whatever it takes to be a better man and father. Those are the two top priorities. Then becoming a better H will be much easier.