Part 2-H moving out

[Georgiabelle]

Everyone ready to crack out the. 2 x 4s? Here we go....,

I had a feeling h was going to get a little wacky yesterday. So I checked his twitter feed ( I'm blocked but it's public ). Oh my. He apparently drank all afternoon in the college town where I graduated from college and tweeted his activities. The tweets started coming every minute. Lots of expletives and then that he just wanted someone to want him. Then someone to f him. Followed by more expletives and that he just wanted someone to love him. Followed by he could fix it all if he had time. ( May have been referencing getting shot down by a chickadee- I'm mind reading which is impossible )Followed by he thought he was done crying alone in his car. And that he hated himself and he felt so stupid.

And I realized something. I had empathy for him but I looked at my kids and realized this is the 40 yr old father of my kids. Having a breakdown to a bunch of people he doesn't really know and is seeking their validation. didn't reach out to him. Didn't feel hurt that he can't realize that I love him. His kids love him and his parents love him. It's sad , but clearly he is somewhere else. And it just reminded me that h thinks happiness is external and we know it's within you. Someone else doesn't give it to you.

I can't tell you I don't miss him, but I miss the person I was with- not this attention monger. I did reject him repeatedly in our marriage and I should not have. I wish we had communicated this with each other more effectively. But , we didn't.

I'm going to keep DBing. H is clearly in an unusual place and it's so odd to think this guy is airing all if his laundry. ( I realize I'm here but I'm at least incognito . I know I was wrong for checking. I just ran with instinct. I'm okay and as I'm snuggled up next to my 4 yr old , I know there will be more difficult days. But I'm going to be okay.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. And swat me over the head:)