Need help saving my family - part 4

[Scorp7]

My mother is terminally ill and she isn't even acknowledging that??? I'm really starting to believe my W is having some serious mental issues or she has become a horrible person. I understand she needs a place to live away from her parents but this is unreal.

I definitely will not rush to respond to her.

[Scorp7]

That's fair enough. Forgetting everything else for a moment, what do you WANT to do with the house? I saw you were asked a few pages back and you mentioned what you could do but not what you want to do.

In a perfect world my W or I would keep the house so our kids would have the home we built for them. That would require my W to move back to my province which is very unlikely at this point. Besides that, I would be ok with selling it IF my W agrees to 50/50 with our kids.

I don't think it's right to be thinking of anything but our kids right now. Everything else should be dealt with after that.

[Barrybran]

Yeah, sounds like a tough one. When you do respond you'll somehow have to validate all of what your wife said while very politely and firmly re-stating your desire to set a parenting plan. Did your lawyer mention any avenues aside from divorce such as mediation? I also saw a legal separation mentioned by some of the others.

[melissag]

Wow, your W is just lovely, isn't she?

Her selfishness (no comment on your mother's illness?) doesn't surprise me, based on what I have seen from other WASs, but what irks me the most is her belief that she is in charge of this situation and the timeline. She tells you you have two choices: sell the house, or buy her out, but do it right now. Forget it. She doesn't get to tell you what to do and when to do it. Also, the absence of any comment about the kids and visitation bothers me.

I'm sorry to say this - nobody wants to do it, but I think you need to go the lawyer route, to protect yourself and your kids. Will she be pissed? YES. But that's not your problem.

[melissag]

P.S. I would not respond to the content of her email, i.e., do not negotiate the sale of the house, etc. I suppose you could reiterate that you will not be discussing anything other than the kids right now, but I doubt that will have any impact on her.

[Mic]

Are you still communicating through your MIL? Are you sure it is wife writing these messages? Could your wife be doing exactly what her parents want? One of the bonuses of dealing with a lawyer is the fact that you and her will negotiate through attornies. She will have to step up to the plate. Her attorney is going to deal with her not her parents.
As Melissa said she had the option to walk away but YOU get to handle your divorce any way you want.

[Scorp7]

Yeah, sounds like a tough one. When you do respond you'll somehow have to validate all of what your wife said while very politely and firmly re-stating your desire to set a parenting plan. Did your lawyer mention any avenues aside from divorce such as mediation? I also saw a legal separation mentioned by some of the others.

I believe there are other options available but my L thought they were a waste of time since in her view "D is inevitable". She may be right but I'm not going to rush toward filing for D if there are other things I can try first.

[Scorp7]

Are you still communicating through your MIL? Are you sure it is wife writing these messages? Could your wife be doing exactly what her parents want? One of the bonuses of dealing with a lawyer is the fact that you and her will negotiate through attornies. She will have to step up to the plate. Her attorney is going to deal with her not her parents.
As Melissa said she had the option to walk away but YOU get to handle your divorce any way you want.

Yes, I'm still honoring my W's wishes and emailing through my MIL. It's definitely possible the emails aren't even being drafted by my W and they are actually coming from my MIL. That would explain a lot but regardless, my W is going along with them.

I would love to ask my W "what would you be willing to do for our kids? Anything? So would I! If we can't agree to 50/50 then our situation is going to take a very long time to sort out and our Ls are going to make a lot of money!."

I know saying that to her would likely just throw a ton of fuel on the fire but how can she not realize that???

[Drew]

She doesn't realize that because up to this point she's been calling all the shots and you've gone along with it. She's got her plan with how things are going to be and she hasn't deviated from it. If you read DB/DR, most WAS's have been planning this out for a long time. It just seems sudden to the LBS because they weren't aware and it takes them a long time to catch up.

Her (or MIL's) response doesn't surprise me a bit. I warned you that as soon as she read something she didn't agree with she would tune you out. Worry about birthdays later, focus on equal time with your kids now. She's in an entirely different place than you and I fear legal action is your only option.

[Barrybran]

Looks like your patience is going to get a workout, Scorp. You've known what to expect for a while now so this will be a test for how well you can detach and not let her actions control your feelings. As the others have said, she believes she is in control because you've allowed that to happen. You've had the realtors in, you've allowed her to live four hours away for five months, you're even allowing communication through your MIL. How would you deal with your kids if it were your kids in your wife's position? You'd be more assertive, right?

Where do you normally see your kids? At her place or yours? You might be doing some real heavy lifting to make this work now.