Life's a Picnic

[BrightFuture]

Busting, your H appears confused. I think that he is trying to reconnect, but doesn’t feel quite comfortable. There are few sign that could be taken as positives. H wanted to introduce you to his MLC friends and he introduced you as his wife. This is big! Then he brought the ingredients for a recipe he wants to make. This shows interests and willingness to do nice things. Somewhere in one of my relationship books I read that when men want to cook for you, it means they are interested, and vice versa. I remember when my H stopped wanting to cook for me. I think this was the time when his MLC started, he was detaching from me.

Your H is testing the waters. He is not sure what to do and how to do it. This is why he changes his decisions all the time. He still needs his space to process everything.

This is from Job’s post in thread “TMAK – Explanation of Reconnection”:

True reconnection will not begin to take place until the near the end of withdrawal--going into acceptance. The spouse in crisis will begin to disassociate himself/herself w/the replay antics, i.e., new friends, drinking, etc. They will begin to dress and act like the people you once knew. They will begin to smile a bit and look you in the eyes as well. This will not occur all at once--it's very gradual. He/she will begin to gradually take an interest in their surroundings. They will start to make real contact w/co-workers, old friends (prior to mlc) and begin to take up the hobbies that they once loved. The contact w/their respective parents and family will be noticeable first. Contact w/them will become more frequent and slowly they will begin to take more interest in their children. Their interest in the pets will begin again. As they start to move deeper into the reconnection, they will then begin to take notice of their former homes and you, the spouse will be the last. I have never understood it, but we are the first in the disconnection an the last for reconnection. The mlcer may find excuses to come to your home or meet w/you to discuss trivial issues. Generally they come around to see where your head and heart are at regarding them. They may even sit down w/you and toss out feelers about some of the things that they have done just to test your reactions. They may even ask you if you have someone new your life. Whatever they ask you, please be honest w/them, but in a very calm way. This is the most frustrating step in the crisis. This is where many of us will and have screwed up. At this step, you are the one that will either make the marriage or toss it aside. This is the time where your mlcer will be testing you to the max to see if you are going to accept him/her for who they are and for what they've done. Also, while this reconnecting is going on, many of us will begin to feel anxious and the need to begin applying pressure towards them, i.e, in making a decision as to returing home. You must find it in your heart and dig very deep to keep your expectations at zero no matter what. They must not sense that you are anxious for them to make a decision. If they sense being pressured, they will run hard and fast right back into the mlc tunnel and it will even take longer for them to feel safe to try again. You must keep your body language in calm and continue to treat them as a friend. This stage can usually last up to a year or longer, depending upon the individual. It goes hand in hand w/acceptance. Once they gradually re-enter reality, and into your life, return home and take up living again, it will take another 6-9 months (approximately) for them to actually feel safe in their skins. There will be many times when something breaks or doesn't go right, and they will feel guilty and suggest that they move back out. If you love this person and want them back by your side, do not encourage them to leave again. You will need to reassure them, just as you would a hurt child. I know, it's insane, but this is what you must do.

I don’t know what to tell you, Busting. If you feel that the situation is no longer working for you, maybe you should have that conversation. You came this far, and it is up to you whether to give your H more time or push him to make a decision. It sounds that you are quite ready to push for out for good though. Do you think you should give it a little bit more time and see how you feel?

I’m thinking of you and I hope you will get your answers soon. I see a lot of positives in your situation, and I have lots of hope for you.