Part 2-H moving out

[CallaghanClown]

You'll get there. Appreciate the good days because the bad ones can take over you sometimes. You'll bounce back faster and faster over time. Feel the feelings so you don't find yourself with your head in the sand.

You're the prize. Work on you.

[bluesgal]

"You're the prize. Work on you."

I love this, CC. Well put and so true.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks for the kind words. I'm away from home and find my mind spinning. I hate it and wish thst would stop.

I guess what I'm struggling with is that I want to better. One thing I know I did repeatedly in my m was reject my husband. I didn't want to but I kept doing it. I hate that I did that because if loved him very much. I built up this wall of resentment. I would get upset because he would get so easily overwhelmed and I know it was his ongoing anxiety and depression, but I just wanted to fix him. I'm a fixer. I can no longer be a fixer. Even h when he said he had to leave said that he didn't know what was wrong with him, but it was his journey and he had to do it. I know our m had issues and I hurt him. But I do also know that he is going thru a profound crisis. Heck , even if we had sex every day when we were togethter, I think he would still be in crisis. I can't fix him. And I have to leave him alone.

Just talking out loud. Getting ready for a full day in meetings.

[bluesgal]

GB

Many of the vets on these threads agree that this crisis was likely inevitable. But, that still does not make this easy.

Years of stuffing feelings, childhood issues, trauma, fear, depression..whatever it is that caused this is beyond our control. We may have contributed to the breakdown in our M, but things get cloudy to me when issues that seem solvable are not in the eyes of our WAS-that tells me that there is something more.

This is definitely a long road and I am so grateful to have this forum to relate to people and know that I am not alone.

I see so many similarities in our situations. I hope you can balance your feelings. I can relate to the head spinning. It's hard to look at our spouses and see that the outside looks like them, but they are a shell of who they were before.

I have to keep reminding myself that the anger comes from a place of great pain. My counselor reminded me that even bullies are often the most pained and desperate people.

[BklynMom]

Just a reminder that life will teach him everything that you so desperately want to tell him.

Just like an alcoholic or an addict your husband needs to hit a bottom before he can see anything.

You could not see the things that you needed to change until the bomb. Sometimes we don't learn anything until we hit bottom. Continue to work on the things within you that you want to change. Joins support group for divorce or at your church or alanon.

It has helped me so much to make local friends that were also going through hard times. I felt like I couldn't be real with the school moms I was friends with or work friends.

I don't know if this rings true for you but your h seemed like he was in denial for so long about his feelings. He stuffed so much. Rather then talk to you about lack of sex he stuffed it.

Your h considers himself a "good guy" not a womanizing like tony soprano. When he met this female work friend rather then being honest with himself and admit he thought she was hot he stuffed those feelings. But those feelings were still there. Slowly he was able to find tons of reasons why you are so awful that he had no choice but leave you. He will eventually have a sexual relationship with the co worker if he isn't already. Hopefully this will get it out of his system.

This had very little to do with you and has to do with him not knowing who he is and not being able to be honest with himself.

Take what you like from my above hypothesis I'm probably projecting too much of my own story.

Big hugs

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks everyone. I hoped the time away would allow me to rest some but I've gotten up everyday by 1 am and midnight today. Sigh.

I've been anxiety ridden as h's parents are watching the kids. H has not called or texted about the kids and will not speak to his parents. They are understandably hurt as they have always supported h emotionally and financially. H's mom said the older 2 kids haven't mentioned him in 5 days and that they asked her who would take care if them if I left them too. That broke my heart. Quick vent. H is a selfish a$$hat and barely acknowledges his children. A friend texted me asking why h had tweeted he had "basically quit his life and responsibilities." Is this really something a stable 40 yr old man would telling everyone? Eh. It's all about him. Ok done venting on the obvious.

I'm ready to see my therapist next week. I have some things to discuss. I have so much running through my head that I want to tackle a couple of issues.

On a lighter note, my s4 told me right before I left that he loved me so much he wanted to marry me. I love my little people so much.

[Georgiabelle]

Happy Friday! I thought I would inject a little sad humor to the board. H hasn't seen, spoken to, or asked about the kids since last Saturday am (he lives 5 minutes away). I decided to ask him to watch them this evening (be there at 6:45) while I go do something. He actually texted me this am to see what time I would be back because he wanted to go out. I must have read that text 4 times. But I took a deep breath, waited a few minutes and said, "I'm not sure what time I will be back but I can check to see if J (babysitter) is available." He responded with no big deal and he guessed he would miss this outing. Followed by another text 15 minutes later saying "Oh, and I do want to see the kids." Rrrright.

Some of these folks give new definition to the word self centered. And I feel a little better these last 2 days. I got a massage (yeah!yeah!) and I'm getting a pedicure this evening. A little pampering is nice:)

Hope everyone is having a good day.

[bluesgal]

GB,

I'm glad that you've taken some time for yourself. You're doing a great job staying out of his way.

We know this will be a marathon of patience and love.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Bluesgal. H texted me today to ask when spring break was. It happens to be the week of oldest son's birthday. I know h would not go ( I'm not mind reading but rather 100% he could not go to Disney with kids in his current state ). However , I did say, " you are welcome to join us if you like." He said mentally he could not do that. I told him I understood and hoped he had a nice remainder of the day. H has a difficult time being around the kids ( and maybe around me too!) so I knew he would decline.

I'm thinking telling him he could join us was fine and I knew he would not. Since the kids have never been... Not sure if that was following DB but thought it was appropriate. And I certainly had no expectations.

[unbidden]

Sounds like your approach was perfect.