I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

So its been a few days alone. Which has been ok. I have stayed pretty well focused on me. W came home last night, was in bed when I got home. Was here when I got up. Which was a little weird since so far, she has been staying here when she has to open.

When I saw her, she asked how I was, I said good, and asked her the same, and she said good. All very matter affect. Neither of us was like GOOD! But anyway, we had small talk, how her tattoo appointment went, we have the same artist, so we talked about the artist. Blah, blah, blah. The point, and part of the reason I am posting this is what she asked next.

We were outside smoking, she had come out and joined me. I asked her if she has gotten all her stuff for taxes to be filed. She said she had just gotten it all and that maybe tonight she would work on it. After a few minutes she asked if I had given any thought about our home,(like if I had thought about whether to sell or take it over, though she didn't say these words). I replied, "not really, but the insurance company for the house had called about renewing/reviewing our policy for renewal." She asked if it was nationwide, I said it was. She asked what the whole message was and I told her.

That was basically it, we were silent for a few minutes, she said she had to head in, as she was on the closing shift. and opened tomorrow. Again, I wondered why she stayed her last night.

The part I wonder about and was not sure what to say or do was, I kept myself from asking her in reply if she had given it any thought about the house. I guess, I didn't want to encourage that conversation, since I knew it would lead to me saying what I thought would be next to be done. I am trying not to help with that. This is what she wants, so she can talk about it. On the flip side, I am a little nervous that she will just tell me one day that we have a realtor coming, or that she wants to sign the house over, or something that might blindside me. Where I am trying to not plan, where I am trying to stay in the moment, this scares me a little. As I have been the planner, in my own life. This is why, I don't like to be blindsided.

I think I did the right thing by not asking in return if she had thoughts about it. I felt awkward, since I normally would ask her opinion. Why did she ask? That has been in my mind. Maybe because she is anxious to get out, or maybe because she is feeling me out. Like for the same reasons, to see if I am planning. Who knows.

And why did she stay here last night, she didn't have to go in this AM, so it wasn't for work convince. Then to ask these questions, I don't know. It just kind of took me off balance.

What have I been doing? I have been thinking about what I want to do. I have been for the last few days. Do I want to stay here, like this city, or do I want to go start over somewhere. Do I want the house? I have these thoughts, because I feel like I am becoming more and more distant from her. Those initial feelings of knowing we could try to work things out, are growing weaker. I think if she came to me and was like, "I want to work on our M" I would say ok right now. But as time is going by, I am less optimistic, that there is a way. I don't know. I think if we did, there would be a lot of work to do to get there.

While it has been all well and good to be focused on me, I guess the last 24 has, like I said, knocked me off balance. I was doing good without her here, but her being here just puts this all back in my face.