I'm going out GALing to dinner and wine tasting tonight. The question: ring on or ring off.
Make no mistake, I am committed to staying M, and I am not looking for affirmation or ANYTHING; got enough trouble right now.
It's just a matter of the kind of questions I get. Last time, with ring, it was "Where's your wife?", which was kind of uncomfortable, and some people may have just steered clear of the ring.
I wonder if it would just be simpler to have people assume single, and not ask questions that might be touchy.
What do you want to do? I know, tough question to answer.
Went to a wine and dinner event last night, and had a great time, met lots of people, couples, solos and singles. Ring on, BTW.
Of course, on way home, I was thinking how much W would have enjoyed it. How I wish I could ask her on a date.
W called me just before I went out last night. No real reason for the call either - may have been wondering where I was going, who knows, doesn't matter. She told me a bit about her work day, and I sympathized. Again I told her how proud I was that she has taken this job on and is putting so much effort into it.
The irony in all of this is that her having a job changes our dynamic so much. She had a job for the first 5 years we were together, and only gave it up when kids came along. I realize how much her career means to her now, and how much she has missed it. It really lights her up, and I find her more attractive when she's this ambitious. I think that was part of our M problem. When she quit working, she lost part of what drew me too her. If she had gone back to work a year ago, I think we would have been in a totally different place. And now that she's becoming that person that I found most intriguing again, she has OM and doesn't want me in the picture.
And I've thought about this. It's not that I didn't value what she was doing by staying with kids. We both wanted that because we thought it would be best for kids to have someone to come home to instead of daycare. But we were really blind to the cost to her. I think it's just that after work conversation was much more interesting when we both brought new work problems to the table, and things got one sided and we drifted.
I praise her when she brings up work because it's the only way I can think of to let her know how much I admire what she's doing, and how it is making her so fulfilled and happy. I hope it doesn't come across as pursuit or anything negative.
I'm keenly trying to 180 past behavior and listen and value everything she says, but that is so difficult when the opportunities aren't there.
I understand how a job can change your dynamic. Ever since my wife and I got together I've been in and out of work and we would drift apart the times I wasn't working as all I had to talk about was housework and kids. I too didn't truly understand the intangible value of working v not working. Now that I'm back working I feel a whole lot better and appreciate time with my wife and kids more even if my wife would rather do her own thing and the kids would rather watch cartoons. I struggle with the praise myself but it sounds like you're boosting her ego which would be a good thing if it is.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
I made dinner tonight (as I always do on weekends now) and again during dinner, W started to talk about her work. She avoids me like the plague the rest of the day, but she does seem comfortable talking to me about her new job. Again, I put down my utensils, looked right at her and listened. And again I told her how it seems to be agreeing with her and building her up. This is the only chink in the armor I've seen.
And then after dinner she's off to a birthday party for a friend. I'll be the missing husband because somehow, the invite didn't get to me. (some of this stuff is so high school) Just as well - it would have been awkward as he11 with friends of hers and OM, and besides S8 and I had cub scout blue and gold ceremony, and now we have some homework to catch up on. That's time much better spent.
My concern with all of this is that in a way, we are behaving like normal R parents - as her work picks up, we're covering for each other, and I've been picking up more household work as a 180. I'm making it extremely easy for her to live here and focus on her job. (job being part of her exit strategy). There's no way she has any sense of seeing what it would be like without me - just the opposite, she's seeing just what it is to have full support, which is something she complained I never gave her. So it's a 180?
It seems like way too much carrot and no stick. I do think that living here is a huge conflict for her, because it's us, and it's practical, but she wants to be with OM, but that's 2 D's away. And I know this is all just futile speculation on my part. I have no clue how this will turn out, and don't know that anyone could.
But I'm enjoying myself and kids, off the roller coaster and looking at all this more objectively.
Is there any chance you could plan a boys weekend with some friends? That way you can keep up with your support but you disappear and she has to fend for herself.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Anything could be contrived, I guess. I'll be out for a week overseas later this month.
Problem is that she has no problem stuffing the kids full of McDonalds and leaving D12(almost 13) at home with D8(almost 9). They'll play video games all day long if you let them. I just don't like the kids left alone that much and I try to get them to do things other than computer. (She complained that I spent too much time on computer during our M, and now she using it for a babysitter.) The housework will just remain undone.
I'm struggling with boundary vs control. This whole thing with me paying her bills while OM is on just seems so passive. Anyone have a good boundary reference? (book or thread)
Please do yourself a favor and read that link I posted^^^^^. I Really think it will help with your stitch. (I know it has helped me and ours stitches are very similar)
I've asked so many of the same questions as you, and still do, but one thing remains the same...
...You have to decide what YOU want to do and I have to decide what I want to to do.
Have u every listened to Ziggy Marley "True to myself"? I heard this song many times before, but up until today never understood the meaning of the song. Have listen I think u might like it. It rings true to soooo many stitches on here (Atleast I think it does) http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yMEARFbMh0I
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
OneDay, I have read that post, thank you, it holds much truth.
I have a specific question regarding setting boundaries vs controlling in a cake eating situation. So I'm looking more for advice that has a better probability of success that what I might do if I simply "do what I want". What I want is to not make a bad situation worse. And I "FEAR" that I might do just that.
OneDay, I have read that post, thank you, it holds much truth.
I have a specific question regarding setting boundaries vs controlling in a cake eating situation. So I'm looking more for advice that has a better probability of success that what I might do if I simply "do what I want". What I want is to not make a bad situation worse. And I "FEAR" that I might do just that.
I am struggling with this as well as I am new to all of this. I hope that you get your questions answered.
Me: 40 W: 39 D: 16 S: 21 R: 20 Years (married 18) 9/2013 W indicated that she wanted to leave.
On another thread, Sandi was proposing an aggressive approach to cake eaters. I moved it here for responses so as not to hijack that thread.
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Sandi, I would love you to read my thread and continue this there.
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Well, do you believe you deserve better, or not? If you do, then you start acting like it and stop accepting what she's dishing out.
I can't compel W to stop A, or to leave house, so anything there is an empty threat.
So I can leave now, but that kills child access rights later.
I can completely starve her financially until she quits A and commits to M. Any ideas how this might play out? It's very controlling, but forces a stark choice (until she gets a job.)
I can ask her to leave marital bed until she ends A. Symbolic, yes. Maybe hard to explain to kids - her problem. Again, if she resists, I can't physically remove her from a room.
I can file myself, but she knows that's a bluff. Unless, of course, it isn't (which I won't know myself until more time passes)
So while I agree with you in principle, DB seems to suggest passive behavior in response to A to wait it out, rather than aggressive ultimata where you have little or no leverage, other than the D you don't want.
Please 2x4 me again from a different angle - maybe I'll get it.
Sandi seems to be advising against Sandi's rules, which is why I ask for clarification of the (non-) subtleties of boundaries in conjunction with LRT.
