He'll huff and he'll puff - my intro

[ladylu]

I am Doogie's second wife.
I met him 14 years ago at work. Initially it was just a work relationship. About 5 years into it he started flirting with me. I said dude aren't you married because I have no interest in being an OW. This can stay professional and if you find yourself free, I am open to dating then. He did pursue a divorce without delay. Though I did not intend to be an OW I see now that we did develop an EA and that having me in the wings is what enabled him to finally make a break with W1.
Not a healthy start, I get it.
Doogie's 1st marriage was 15+ years and very unhappy. Not a good match and the story of how they even got together has seeds in his personality that showed he was predestined to strong MLC. They did counseling, lived apart on and off for years, he did IC, one thing is she was depressed. Over and over she said she'd change but didn't. Eventually he did have short PAs (before starting flirting with me). His perspective was that he changed, he tried, she didn't. In the lingo here I think he was a stander for M1 easily for 10 years before starting the flirt with me.
Originally I had an open mind about her and have always respected her as the mother of my SSs. Over time I have not been impressed. Ongoing conflict between W1 and H, and the damagedness of the two SS from all the years of parental depression and conflict pre and post D has been the #1 stress in our R.
#2 stress has been our subsequent additional kids.
I did a really bad job of prioritizing the R and him.
I am quite sure I developed post partum depression and depression. I did not take responsibility for myself and my feelings. I lost who I was.
I was his dream girl. He honestly was my prince. We are well matched.
Feb 2013 we had a big fight about SS1. It was a watershed event for us both. In retrospect I see that we went in opposite directions. He started to detach and let go of the M. I started slowly to reawaken and recommit. 2013 was filled with active conflict between us like had never been the case before. Other behavioral changes in in him also were starting. In the late summer we tried MC. The therapist was not good and it just made things worse. He stopped it though MC had always been his suggestion.
August mini-BD. I love you but not sure I want to be married. Tired of being afraid. I'm kind of over it. Started sleeping in separate beds.
I started IC, made lots of changes. He noticed, commented, but soo negative. He is unwilling to try, change. My changes were all too little too late.
I was pre DB and really pushed it Christmas time. Though my IC was good for me I think she pushed her opinions as if they were fact and frankly she is pro D. So I cornered him into 'making a decision'. Dammit!
January 2014 BD IDLYA. I want a D. By May.
I had typical pathetic reaction. Ugh.
Luckily my positive changes begun in the fall working on me continued even while I was in pleading rationalizing imploring mode. I did some good things on my own. Around Valentines he went out of town. I got DR and found this. Started with the 37 rules. Added 180s, and GAL like crazy on top of other changes I had already started. So I feel much more confident. Acting as if.
Many positive baby steps from Doogie. Honestly I have been shocked by his curiosity, interest, and positive behaviors. I am giving him a lot of space and he is using it. I show no interest in what he is up to. I am friendly but not invested.
I am no longer forcing a decision or instigating R talks.
Last week he did. At some point he will come back for answers.
I am not ready to co-petition for D or S. If he wants to file, and for which is up to him. (CO they are basically the same).
He wants to move out and wants me to weigh in on it and where he should go. I have no opinion.
Painful as this journey is I am so thankful it bringing me to who I really am. D may be unavoidable but I really see this does not need to be the end. More on MLC and other factors to come. Thanks for listening.