If we were keeping score, I have given FAR, FAR more than I have gotten in the past 5 months, and I continue to do so.
And, as I have already said, my H has done MANY things with the kids that I do not agree with. Yet I have respected his right to make those decisions by saying nothing.
Maybe I am misunderstanding, but your posts lately have come across to me as though you think I should take his crap, feel no hurt or anger, and agree with whatever he wants to keep the peace, to boot.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
And, as I have already said, my H has done MANY things with the kids that I do not agree with. Yet I have respected his right to make those decisions by saying nothing.
Sorry I missed that. I just haven't read where you've talked about those times.
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Maybe I am misunderstanding, but your posts lately have come across to me as though you think I should take his crap, feel no hurt or anger, and agree with whatever he wants to keep the peace, to boot.
I don't think you should take his crap but in this instance, I don't see that he's giving you crap. He asked to be consulted (reasonable), he gave you his thoughtful viewpoint (reasonable), he made no demands (reasonable). That doesn't mean your points aren't just as reasonable.
I don't see that there's any keeping the peace to be done, he doesn't seem angry. I see it as reasonable adults discussing what's best for their D and coming to middle ground, a win-win. In doing that sometimes you have to give a little.
I see this as an opportunity to set the tone for ongoing decisions you'll have to make about the kids. It's a small, relatively benign situation so the consequences of a "wrong" decision either way aren't huge. The payoff however, can be enormous.
About the hurt and anger, you can feel it as much as you want or need, just don't make decisions from that place. Reacting from anger usually leads to trying to hurt them as we have been hurt but it solves nothing. We've all felt the hurt and anger and I held on to mine for far too long.
I'm on your side, but that doesn't mean I'll always agree with you. This is tough stuff and we need people to challenge our long held beliefs, or at least that's what I needed. You may want something different. I also learned that when a post made me sting, it meant I had work to do.
Maybe I'm trying to push you to a place you're not ready to go because I've been there, done that and I'd like to save you some of the pain. Being stuck is worse than limbo.
But, the only way through it, is through it.
Have a great weekend with your kids, you need that and so do they. ((( )))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think part of the issue may be that I don't automatically see all WASs as having 2 heads, a 3rd eye and smelling like death. (abuse, substance or physical is in a different category.) They are who they are with all their warts, just like we are. We married them for a reason, had children with them for a reason, and while they may have changed, so have we. And if we married them knowing that we didn't like some of their warts but thought they would change and now here we are, we can't really blame that on them. We do have to accept where we are and have a plan for how to move forward from that
I really don't like to spend a lot of time talking about the WAS because the only way we can effect change in them is through change in us.
My brand of support may not work for you and that's OK. I do want you to get through this in the best way possible.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't see that there's any keeping the peace to be done, he doesn't seem angry. I see it as reasonable adults discussing what's best for their D and coming to middle ground, a win-win. In doing that sometimes you have to give a little.
There is no middle ground here. Either she goes on the trip or she doesn't. It's not like, well, she could go for half the trip. Or half of her could go on the whole trip. There is no compromise.
Yes, sometimes you have to give a little. I have given a lot. This is the ONE battle I am picking with my H since BD! (Or you could say he is picking it with me.)
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I see this as an opportunity to set the tone for ongoing decisions you'll have to make about the kids. It's a small, relatively benign situation so the consequences of a "wrong" decision either way aren't huge. The payoff however, can be enormous.
To YOU it may be small and benign but to me it isn't.
There have been 1,000 small and benign situations since BD, and I have set the cooperative tone in 99% of them, by STFU about things I don't like, agreeing to things that make H's life easier even though it makes my life more difficult, etc.
This one isn't small and benign to me, that is exactly why I am not giving in.
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I'm on your side, but that doesn't mean I'll always agree with you. This is tough stuff and we need people to challenge our long held beliefs, or at least that's what I needed. You may want something different. I also learned that when a post made me sting, it meant I had work to do.
I get it that you are trying to help me, I appreciate that, and I don't want people to always agree with me. I am here to be challenged and for people to call me on my BS, as well as to be supported and hopefully help other people. I just feel as though you don't understand where I am coming form on this issue, but I don't know how to explain it any better.
I get it. I truly do. I need to give a little. I need to discuss things with my H. I need to try to have a good co-parenting R with him. I have done well more than my share in making that happen, but I am not going to go against my values to make him happy, or in the name of being amicable or cooperative or whatever.
Am I *still* missing something?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
