Life's a Picnic

[bustingout]

Thanks bright!!!


I am conflicted right now. H arrived on Thursday. He brought all of his stuff in the house except his suitcase. I was going out and when i left  ( after the kids had asked him if he is staying here and he said maybe) I said to him, there is a house key by the door if needs it. 

We ended up being at the same place at the end of the night ( mutual friend's house) and I left home before him. I got home I found he had left all of his stuff here , except his suitcase, and taken arouse key. Next morning he is not here..he came later but brought his suitcase in. He had crashed at our mutual friend's house because it was late and he was drunk.

Anyway, have a good day on Friday. He is really nice to me. Friday was the party he said he would like to go.

Comes close to the time to go and all of a sudden he says I should go with mutual friend's because he has a 'business transaction ' to do and then will catch up at party. Then he says it might not happen. Then he sys get ready and I wil drop you off at mutual friend's and then catch up at the party. He is very nice.

As we leave he takes EVERYTHING into his car. He is not staying here after all.in the car, I ask if had told the kids ( they had asked him to stay and thought he was), he said 'well I told them I will see them tomorrow' I said I want to ask you  question, are you uncomfortable staying at the house. He said no. I said it means the world of difference to the kids that's why I am asking. He said i know. And he said, 'well you never know how the night will go'. 

I didn't really reply. I didn't know what he meant. In my head I thought he is one confused dude. but  was also a bit upset.

He drops me at mutual friend's...says see you soon. 

Me and friends get to party, less than 30 minutes later, h shows. It seems he just went to wherever he is staying, unpacked and showered. There is not way he had time for any 'business'. So he it seems, told me all of this about having a business transaction before the party was an excuse to take his stuff to wherever he is staying. 

I was nervous. A few people were shocked and were watching us. There was a part of me that  was pleased because when h left me years ago, these very same people were very mean to me and stopped talking to me like I was the one who was acting shameful. Bt I have learned to not care about these people so shortly after I had that pleasant feeling, I realised how petty it was of me to feel that towards people that seemed to revel in my family's demise. And I let it go.


I didn't hang around h really. We have our mutual friends so we were in each others space so to say, and we chatted a bit but not much. I had a couple of people ask me about him.  I said very little in response and was actually very calm and collected and myself ( drinking and dancing) throughout the night. 

At one point h expressed to my BF ( her husband is H best friend and he has been recently reconnecting with him...this the house he crashed at because he was drunk the night before). H expressed how much he loved BF and her husband, what they meant to him etc. My BF told me this as she was pleasantly surprised. 

Also during the evening, h came up to me and said I want to tell you something and then he took me by the arm and said I want you to meet some people and he introduced me to a group of his  (new MLC) friend's, that I had never met before (seen but not met). He introduced me as his wife. I thought this was strange. 

The party was great overall, and then we all left in H's car. He dropped people off then dropped me off and walked me in. Again, very nice. I had a bit to drink so I blah blahed a bit about 'come have another drink, blah blah' he said no, it's late and we will get together with mutual friends again in the middle of the week. Anyway, I went to bed ( with lots of water!) and while I had a great night overall I was bothered and still am that he is not staying here. 

Ok, why am I bothered. I should not expect him to stay. I got my hopes up obviously with his last trip. But in reality, not much has actually changed except him being nicer. So I can't rush this. But when he brought his suitcase in yesterday I also got my hopes up. I suppose he was and is confused as well. And the first night when he left all of his stuff here but also took the house key. It made me think he is staying here as well. But I am tired of this. I almost want to say just make up your mind. You either stay here and we keep going or you get out and leave us alone for good.I suppose his whole points to not get my hopes up. I Understand he needs to still have his privacy and assert his independence. 

And then I think that I need to sit back calmly and watch. And then I think but how is that fair to my kids???? 

He brought us so many treats when he came back...cheeses we cant get here, coffee, chocolates, even my favourite chocolate. He brought ingredients for a recipe he said he wants to make for us. 

I just am not sure what to do if anything. Do I continue to watch? Do I say something again? Although I think I said enough when I told him in the car how much it means to the kids when he stays at the house. I just don't know how much longer I can do this. I see  many positives, and then think about the reality such as him coming and going,  not taking concrete action to come back, and I wonder how much longer i can do this, or should do this? I am so tempted to cut him out. Because I am fed up. That is so much the old me though. freezing people out. Very passive aggressive behaviour. I don't like it. It is not authentic behaviour and it does not make me feel good about myself. It is not fair to the other person - even h....! Lol

So I don't know. I know h will make is way over here later on this morning or early afternoon depending on when he gets up. I am very weary of this coming and going and the disappointment of the kids...and even myself. 

Any thoughts?