lovethehub - Thank you for your very thoughtful reply and for sharing parts of your own story. I'm not giving up. I'm committed to doing whatever I need to do to give my marriage the best chance of success possible.
I'm so grateful to have found this site. I'm really trying to look at myself and what I've done that has harmed our M. Honestly, I've already noticed some things that also affect me in other relationships that I'm working on correcting.
Do not let R talk come up. Under no circumstances do you want to bring it up because even if his feelings are starting to change, R talk will make him convince himself they aren't. If he brings it up, change the subject as quickly as you can while saying as little as possible.
With regard to this, after the talk yesterday, my H told me that he wanted a couple more weeks to think about whether D is what he really wants. After a couple of weeks, he said he would talk to me again and let me know. If he decided he need more time, he would let me know that as well. Obviously, I shouldn't bring up these discussions, but do you have any advice for how to handle it if he does bring it up?
Please don't say this, even though you feel it and there is a good chance it is true, he doesn't feel this way. I didn't feel that way. I had been unhappy for so many years that, at the time, I believed I was saving myself.
He thinks the same thing. He's said basically that. He has to "do something for himself." While I do believe that it is selfish, I also know that my H does love me and our D7 and doesn't want to hurt us.
This is definitely detrimental because the other person senses you are holding back and then they don't want to go all in or quit a lot easier. When things work out (always think positive!), you have to be willing to risk it all and chance being hurt again to move forward.
Even my H keeps telling me to be positive. I get this now. If (when!) we get another chance, I think MC will be so important in helping us heal and move forward. I think my H likely did sense this. I sometimes wonder if it isn't so much that he isn't in love with me, but more that he thinks I didn't love him enough.
Get that journal fast. You have to do this, it is a must in fixing this. It will also help your new M with your H. If you don't like to journal then have a friend who is willing to listen to you without judgement or advice, just to let you vent. I think the journal is better but it isn't for everyone.
I actually started a journal before I even found this site. I just haven't been consistent in using it. I'm going to put that at the top of my to-do list. I do sometimes vent to my sister, but I also agree that the journal is better. While she supports my decision to try to save my marriage, she is very open with the fact that she would not "put up with" what my H is doing.
Work on your tone so he can't pick up that you are blaming him and feel that it is his fault. Of course it is from the S and he knows it is but doesn't want to face it.
H: You think this is because of the separation don't you?
You: I'm not sure what is wrong with her, I just think we can help her through it faster if we are on the same page in dealing with it.
I do need to work on my tone. I also need to work on my non-verbal communication. H has told me that my every thought shows in my eyes. He's made the comment multiple times. One time recently didn't have anything to do with him. We were at a restaurant with D7 and someone at a table near us started using foul language very loudly. I've been known to use some inappropriate language myself at times, but this was at a normal meal time in a family-friendly restaurant. I'm certain I didn't glare or anything obvious like that, but H immediately made the comment about my thoughts being in my eyes. This one's pretty difficult for me to overcome. My H knows me better than anyone. We've been together literally all of my adult life, so it's pretty difficult for me to fool him. Any tips on how to do this? Thanks for the suggested response for the conversation about D7. That would have been a much better way to handle it.
I get this now. If (when!) we get another chance, I think MC will be so important in helping us heal and move forward. I think my H likely did sense this. I sometimes wonder if it isn't so much that he isn't in love with me, but more that he thinks I didn't love him enough.