After more than a year of DB-ing, I've become less anxious about the W and the marriage. I don't know how a person's MLC runs its course, but for my W, she is on the downward slope. She seems no longer depressed; she no longer seems like she wants to get away from me; she spends time with family/kids; she friended me on FB; she asked me to lunch during the work week; she involves me in activities; and when I ask her to stay home she does.
I say she is on the downward slope because she has changed. She is still very physically active with gym, Crossfit, and other activities. She still wants an active 20-something lifestyle of going out and socializing. She has two 24 year-old girlfriends that could be our daughters. She wants to try many new things. This week it is surfing.
She no longer does things that she used to enjoy. I asked her recently why she doesn't read books anymore. She used to read 1-2 books/month. She told me that whenever she sits down to read a book, she feels like she is wasting time. She could be doing something...
I am slowly unwinding some DB-ing techniques. I used to give her a lot of space and follow Sandi's 37 rules in the newcomer's forum. I think doing so helped immensely. I now initiate things with her. I show love physically and in other ways. If something really bothers me, I tell her and tell her in action-oriented terms what I want.
I still exercise, always try to look attractive (the physical is important to her, and truth be told, to me too), I do give her more space than before BD, I avoid complaining about things she does (except if it really bothers me), and I try to use positive reinforcement.
What is lacking? Sometimes I feel like a cruise director that has to keep her entertained all the time. Just sitting home and relaxing would be nice. She goes out too much, sometimes 3-4 times each week. I told her recently, and she stopped, but I know it is killing her to stay home. She still texts people frenetically. She wants a large social circle. After more than a year of her showing she didn't love me, I feel as if I need her to say she loves me every other day -- she doesn't. Although she has told me that she loves me 3 times this year (yes, pathetic that I know how many times). Unfortunately, it always was after drinking alcohol. I mentioned this to her in the morning, and she said that I should take it as meaning more since alcohol loosens inhibitions ... not so sure ... but I do believe she loves me.
In a few weeks is her 43rd birthday. She is throwing herself a party, which strikes me as odd. As if she's one of my daughters having a b-day party. About 20-30 people are invited, only 3 will be older than us since she has sought out a younger crowd. Also, most of her peers (married women with children) don't want to go to the gym, out drinking, surfing, like my W does now.
So I'm holding in there, things have improved, and I'm waiting/hoping that this stage will gradually wind down and we can enjoy both an active life-style but also just sitting around together.
