hope456--my story

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I feel as though there is no chance of R and am finding it increasingly difficult to remain hopeful. I need to work harder on GAL so that I can be more consistent with PMA.

Please don't give up. Your H sounds like he isn't 100% certain. Last year, my H and I were 'definitely over' after several emotional separations, an A on my part and many years of problems. He didn't want anything to do with our M and we were only living together because I wasn't working so neither of us could move out. I found this site and began looking at myself and my part in the breakdown of our M. I started journaling and really began to understand things better. Our M turned around and we are doing well today...it definitely took forcing myself to stop talking about our R no matter what - I truly don't think we would be together today if I hadn't given him his space. When I was upset, angry, whatever, I wrote down what I wanted to say to him instead of saying it. I was always smiling around him (almost an "I have a secret smile and my secret was Divorce Busting), nice, talked to him but started ending conversations and going off to do my own thing. I never texted/called him unless it was about the kids. It took almost 4 months before there was even a hint of change and then 2 more before I brought up R talk. That talk consisted of me explaining to him what I had realized to be my fault, never once justifying my behaviors (like I had in the past) and then listening to him - even when I disagreed I didn't say a word because I have come to realize that his version may not be correct in my mind but that doesn't mean it isn't his experience of the same situation.

Still, if R talk comes up, he tells me that his feelings haven’t changed, but he’s still thinking.

Do not let R talk come up. Under no circumstances do you want to bring it up because even if his feelings are starting to change, R talk will make him convince himself they aren't. If he brings it up, change the subject as quickly as you can while saying as little as possible.

I get so angry about what this is doing to our D7 and have lashed out at him (telling him this is a selfish decision and things of that nature).

Please don't say this, even though you feel it and there is a good chance it is true, he doesn't feel this way. I didn't feel that way. I had been unhappy for so many years that, at the time, I believed I was saving myself.

I’ll just fill you all in on some important history. My H and I were separated once before. When our D7 was an infant, my H also said ILYB to me. After several months of IC for each of us and MC for us together, he said we needed to separate. After a two month separation, he said it was a huge mistake and of course he loved me and he had realized what was really important. Stupidly (in hindsight), we stopped going to MC and IC at that point, so we never really dealt with the issues. Additionally, after reconciliation, I was never as open or vulnerable as I had been previously. I always felt like I was holding back to avoid getting hurt again.

This is definitely detrimental because the other person senses you are holding back and then they don't want to go all in or quit a lot easier. When things work out (always think positive!), you have to be willing to risk it all and chance being hurt again to move forward.

He emphasized that I am a great mother and a great woman and this isn’t about me at all. Just a few of the things he said that confused the heck out of me:

• He needs to do this so he can be happy and be a better father.
• He is still sexually attracted to me.
• He’s been trying for a long time to make things work.
• He wants 50/50 custody. I’ve been the primary caregiver of our D since day one.
• He wanted to stay together through the holidays and move out in January.
• I’m his best friend and he never wants to lose that.

I put the positives in bold..it is good he isn't blaming everything on you, that is harder to overcome.

I get that it is counter-intuitive. I just have a hard time overcoming my instinct to react from an emotional place.

Get that journal fast. You have to do this, it is a must in fixing this. It will also help your new M with your H. If you don't like to journal then have a friend who is willing to listen to you without judgement or advice, just to let you vent. I think the journal is better but it isn't for everyone.

Until yesterday, I had actually done really well for two weeks or so. I hadn't mentioned anything and had a great PMA. Then I made the mistake of stepping back onto the roller coaster. Ugh...

Don't beat yourself up, we all do it!

I'm working on become a better listener. I think there is a very good chance that my husband didn't actually feel like I heard what he was saying to me a lot of the time.

It's okay to tell him this but without R talk. When he drops off d and is leaving (so you don't get into any further talk) just say something like "I have been thinking about our M and my part in where we are today. I want you to know that I realize there were probably a lot of times you didn't feel heard and I am sorry for that. Have a good night"

H: is there anything else you want to say?
Me: No.
H: It seems like there is.
Me: Nope.
H: You think this is because of the separation, don't you?
Me: There isn't a doubt in my mind that the separation is the reason.
H: I disagree.

Work on your tone so he can't pick up that you are blaming him and feel that it is his fault. Of course it is from the S and he knows it is but doesn't want to face it.

H: You think this is because of the separation don't you?

You: I'm not sure what is wrong with her, I just think we can help her through it faster if we are on the same page in dealing with it.