I think I belong here....

[cat04]

Praying,

It is very hard to live with an in house separation.

There are good points and bad points.

If you want to watch TV, play games with your kids, whatever, do it. Whether he wants to or not. There is no reason you can't let him know you are going to watch such and such and he is welcome to join you...

If he does, great, if not, great...

I do have more to post but since you were wanting some vet input on this question, I thought I would give it to you.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you, Cat. I have only been in this stich for a few days but it is already harder to navigate than when he just left.

[praying_in_GA]

Okay, I am home so I can type better...

I know 100% it is against DR/DB 'rules' to show more affection during this time. Like previously mentioned, this would be a huge 180 in our relationship. One complaint was that we became room mates / friends raising children. I agree completely. Yesterday when I was happy, supportive, and positive...without going in for intimate contact or saying I love you...he seemed to enjoy it. He even brushed his hand across my back at one point. Then, at the end of the day, he asked if I had a lawyer because "this is a 180 from what you are usually like."

This is where my brain fuzzes up. We see each other many times throughout the day now. He wants a warm, happy, inviting, positive wife. Would it be inappropriate for this stich to act the happy person he wants...being engaging and interested in life ...be everything he wants but leave out the clingy begging pushing neediness? Leave out words like M, R, ILY, future, plans, etc.

Our recent interactions have been distant, necessary, almost mechanical with little to no warmth and smiles. Following the DR I will be happy and everything but I will be uninterested and non-engaging with him....which honestly would just be how things have been for at least a year now. Which is one reason why he has decided to entertain the idea of splitting.

If I am way off the mark, I am more than happy to humble myself to the veterans! I just don't know what I am doing this time.

[praying_in_GA]

Tonight I come home from gymnastics with the kids. I change clothes and wash my hands. When I come out he has made me dinner and set a drink next to my plate.

I am so confused.

[job]

He's pursuing you. I do hope you enjoyed the dinner and thanked him.

It's okay to appear interested in his conversations and you "might" try a few gentle touches to the shoulder, arm or hand and see how he responds. There is no set rule that say what is right or wrong when dealing w/someone in crisis. Each person will need to figure out what works in their own situations. If something doesn't work, stop doing it and try something different.

Follow his lead and see where it goes. When in doubt, do nothing.

Right now, he's trying on different masks to see which one will make him happy...but he'll discover along the way that until he faces his demons and looks within, he will not find that "permanent" happiness that he's looking for.

Keep the focus on you and your children as much as possible and allow your h to figure himself out.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you, Job. I didn't even think about dinner being a pursuing behavior. I did thank him then asked if he had anything he wanted to watch. He mentioned one of the shows I usually record when I work. So we watched that then I went to bed with the littlest one. This morning he is going to the DMV to get his motorcycle permit. Before he left he asked if I waned a coffee on his way home.

This is going to be harder than last time but I think I can wade my way through it. I appreciate the help and advice. I am in for the long bumpy road.

[job]

Your h reminds me of a kid/teenager. There are some who know that we don't particularly care for some of the things that they want or do, so they go above and beyond being nice and doing things that tend to "smooth the way" for the things that they want.

My xh was a "professional" at this. He knew that if there was something he really wanted to do, but knew I didn't particularly like what the outcome would be, he would run around and do all of the honey do list items as well as ensure that everything that needed to be done around the home or errands that he had put off for weeks on end where completed. He figured by doing all of those things w/o being reminded for the 25th time, I would be more receptive to what he wanted to do.

In many cases, when they do nice things for us...there is a catch.

BTW, I'm not saying that's what you h is doing...but you need to sit back and observe his behavior and if there is a pattern of being nice when he really wants something badly and you are not in agreement...it will show up.

[praying_in_GA]

Part of this whole thing is understanding that I am not the only one with opinions and wants. I don't want him to have a bike but the reason is not directly related to him. He has a point...why should he give up something he wants because of something that happened 34 years ago? If this is something he wants and it will make him "happy" then I am willing to release some fear and see how it goes.

He is very correct in that this has been more of a one sided relationship. I wanted a dog, he didn't....we got a dog.

He has asked what I had planned today. I told him since it is supposed to be an awesome weekend I wanted to get the kids out of the house. Time to figure out what we are doing today!

[job]

One good thing in your favor...you are communicating. I agree...it's time release some of the fear of what happened long ago and allow him this time to spread his wings a bit. He might be the type to enjoy the bike and when the euphoria wears off, the bike will become a "somewhat forgotten toy".

Enjoy your weekend and I do hope the weather is nicer than it has been in your area. Spring is just around the corner and it's time to get out there and spread your wings a bit and see what you and the kids can discover along the way.

[praying_in_GA]

Today I decided to take the kids to walk up Stone Mountain. H came with us (his own decision). The walk was pretty steep in places so we switched off carrying the 2 year old. He wanted to try this little hole-in-the wall place to eat he had seen on TV so we drove there after the 'hike' and had lunch. It was a wonderful day. We came home and I laid down with the toddler (ended up falling asleep for an hour). Afterward we all played outside as a family. I jokingly asked him to ride the kids scooters with me and he did for a short time.

Everything is like it was ... minus loving behaviors.

He made mention today (when the kids asked about where we were eating) that we were not going to do everything based on their preferences anymore. If they didn't like it they didn't have to go.

I was happy and engaging today. We talked about his upcoming motorcycle permit and he mentioned a weekend long course where he could finish with his actual license. I am working but I told him we could find someone to help with the kids so he could go. He asked me to look up the height requirements for six flags to see if we could take the kids this summer.

I am keeping my mind on my life and my kids. I am reminding myself that he may leave. I am keeping my mind on the reality that the chance he is still gone is huge. I am giving my all to remember that no matter how he is acting/interacting with me he still has doubts and I have no expectations of this life.

I am just going to continue to live in a happy world and let him see how things could be. If he leaves, he leaves. Until then, I am going to enjoy my time with my family somewhat intact.